u/RealNyxoy

i was born into and raised in an extremist islamic cult. i mean cult literally as theyre different from the average muslims. so much so that the cult activity got my father and others in the cult sent into prison multiple times. once i had my egg cracked while the cult was on the side of 'kill all trans people', the realisation that this cult has been pretty damn abusive dawned on me. ive spent so long after that to get rid of all the cult remains in my mind. ive been an atheist since i left the cult ideology about one year ago.

it started with me getting witchcraft posts on my pinterest feed. then pagan posts on instagram. then out of nowhere randomly i got the idea to study astrology, which i never believed in due to the cult rating it as 'satanistic' for some reason. i started learning about astrology and watching the stars and moon. for the past month or so ive been extremely existensal as well and used astrology as a distraction. sometimes being existensal made me sleepless for nights, terrified, feeling as if im going crazy. the last straw that got me was the realisation that i always believed in some form of energy but never actually said it. but i do. i am an extremely science oriented person, i study STEM as well, but i always believed that there is a form of energy that exists that our level of science cant understand yet but i never realised i thought this way.

i know these are small things, not like a huge sign, but its been dwelling in my mind. i feel like im going crazy. how did you get into paganism? what made you believe and work with the deities you do? or am i just being weird??

hello 👋. i was raised in an islamic cult and it is dangerous for me practice anything other than it outside. i cant hide things in my shelves or closet as my mother looks through them quite a lot (i am an adult but i have two years until i can move out safely). i cant do things like protection jars or use crystals or read physical books and e-books cause me fatigue as im disabled. if they find anything ill be in danger as my mother threathened me before that if i doubt their cult, they would lock me in the house and take away my internet access. until i move out and be safe i cant keep anything material. are there any spells that leave behind to material evidence to be found? any way for me to connect to the practice without hiding anything physical?

i made chocolate cookies but the first batch turned out very cakey and not sweet enough. i probably didnt add enough sugar. can i put powdered sugar to make the second batch sweeter? or does it not mix/not end up good?

all the advice they give is pissing me off right now. cut your hair, wear this typical american male clothing, stand this way. why bother with a binder when you can wear trans tape. I FUCKING CANT.

i have a round face. i have tan skin. my chest is like 110+ cms, do you have any idea how unbindable that is.

my freckles always make me seem feminine. my round face especially the cheeks (legit had them even when i was underweight) make me seem feminine. longer hair covered the cheeks. i recently got a shorter cut and now i look like a stereotypical lesbian. i am a gay man.

i know this is not the subreddit for this but i also want to mention that everyone assuming everyone is able-bodied also pisses me off. do pushups. go swimming, go for runs. do these chest exercises. lose weight. i have exercise intolerance, my joints are weak. i pass out. my condition makes me unable to lose weight.

i hate these fake rules they put and enforce them all on everyone. i hate it. just a question for the other middle easterns if they wanna answer, unrelated from the rant, is there anything that worked for you?? that might help me too??

we really struggle with communication. most i can hear/talk to only i really focus on talking to them. our caretaker is almost just a concept now; she can never communicate, she only fronts when she is EXPLICITLY NEEDED, just thrown to front, and when her job is done she disappears. i can learn about her only by our little that she takes care of and our main protector who is her partner. i have the best communication with our main protector, he is very much helpful and always can respond easily. he is our second most fronting right after the host. the others really struggle with communication and i really want to fix this.

im undiagnosed due to my country being terrible but i will look into diagnosis when i move to europe. i am extremely sure i have hEDS (peer reviewed by three seperate diagnosed people) and fibromyalgia which is genetic from my diagnosed mother. i wasnt diagnosed because i am 'too young' to be in pain. its that kind of country.

ever since i was a kid my ankles have been spraining for so much, back then i would sprain them every month. our doctor got tired of it at that point. but despite every single symptom and every peer review i have i still have the imposter syndrome issue.

here is one of my biggest doubts: wrists for example. i can very easily and painlessly touch my thumb to my arm on my right hand, no issue. i can do the same on my left but its painful when i do it there. but there is a huge chance i have carpal tunnel syndrome as an artist and guitarist who spends majority of their life on the computer, which shockingly, i did not get cared for because i 'do not have a desk job'. great medical stuff.

opposite way with my legs and shoulders. i put my arm on my back and pull my elbow to test my arms and i put my foot flat on the wall as high as i could and my right side on both cant reach the same level as the left with no pain. im really confused as to why all of them have different flexibility levels. it feels like something is wrong.

anyone else's bodies actually react to switches? headaches were common in us but recently a whole-body goosebumps feel started to happen when it switches. anyone else have similar reaction? is it alright? it didnt happen before.

ive been dealing with misantrophy for long years, since i was a kid due to things i've lived through. but ever since i found out i'm foxkin it just... went ablaze. because i'm not 'human' in my own eyes anymore. does anyone have any experiences with this? please?

i will be leaving this place until this whole thing calms down. how the hell did this happen? this was just supposed to be a place for us to be autistic and evil proudly. i have no idea how it came to this.

ill be leaving for a while. i greatly advise everyone, especially those that are triggered by such topics like me to leave until this gets cleared up. if it doesn't, well. who knows what happens. good luck everyone.