u/Recent-Theme-5776

…it’s inevitable…I can’t go a day without one. And since my kids are home for summer break..I feel horrible about dozing off a few hours after getting up. I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Vitamins are good. Cpap machine. Iorn is in check. Just constant fatigue. Ugh

I’ve been going through my therapy for med management for two years now. She has had me on lexapro for anxiety. I asked her last year for a referral for an assessment for autism to which she questioned why I would want one. At the time, I wasn’t sure how to verbalize my experiences..because I was in a position where I didn’t know if I believed it myself. And trying to explain it to someone else wasn’t easy. She told me she could see adhd but not autism. And said, “you do realize there’s no cure or medication for autism right?” ………..I wasn’t asking for medication or a cure, just a diagnosis? And yeah, after the countless hours, days and weeks spent researching-I’m well aware there isn’t a cure.

I received my formal a month ago for AuDHD and today was my first appointment with my med management since. My report hasn’t been sent to them yet. Which was a fear for me to begin with. When I explained my results, and started explaining my experiences and symptoms she asked me if I spend too much time on social media. She told me I could be getting all my information from there and how it isn’t healthy. Told me I could be getting my symptoms from the information online.

I’m not sure what individuals go out of their way to inform, preform and seek a diagnosis-because that’s just sick. If anything the community gave me words for my experiences! And when I tried to explain how frustrating and scary it is to be going through regression..she asked me why I think I can’t do things like I could years ago.

Needless to say, I’m seeking new med management and therapy. I’ve been crying since I left my appointment. I shut down at the end of my appointment where she prescribed me Wellbutrin. And she asked me what’s wrong. I couldn’t find words. I’m misunderstood.

Sometimes it bothers me when my autism peeks through. It’s never a coincidence decision to be autistic, though..and my social skills aren’t the best. I try to give myself grace, but it also doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating. My friends tell me I’m smart, speak with large words and know quite a bit..but they say I lack common sense. It’s confusing because I think there’s just a big misunderstanding when these moments happen. And they have to break down precisely what I’ve done and how it was perceived, and why it wasn’t okay- for me to understand. And typically it takes a little longer to process, and then I’m sad that I didn’t see it sooner. Because usually, that’s not what I’m trying to do and I can see why they’d confront me about it. I know the likelihood of these things they mention may happen again, and not intentionally. And that’s frustrating.

I was talking with a friend today about something going on in my personal life between a few family members. And I started to explain how the actions of these family members affect me. And I was told I made it about me, and they tried to explain that I circle everything back to me when it has nothing to do with me; but the trouble between these family members. They broke it down for me, and they were right. And I started thinking about how many times I’ve brought up myself in conversations that probably didn’t need to-although I was trying to relate to their experiences.

How can I be gentle with myself in these moments? I mean, I CAN consciously keep myself from taking about my own experiences..but also, this is how i relate with others? I don’t really understand how to make a conversation flow.

I was diagnosed as AuDHD last Wednesday, and got the confirmation I’ve known. When I first started learning about autism, and really began realizing there was a possibility..the mask fell and after 6ish months I had regressed significantly. I’ve heard others say that they regressed after diagnosis, and i honestly didn’t think I could experience regression any worse. So I have no thought to it. I don’t know if it’s fully set in, or if I’ve really just accepted it..or if I’m just refusing to accept it. But that’s a conversation for my therapist.

I was super happy after getting the diagnosis. Relieved. Validated. I overextended my energy, talked and unmasked fully, immediately. It felt freeing. And then I felt a deep seated exhaustion. But what’s really hard to cope with is I’m easily disregulated, meltdowns have been increasing in intensity, my anxiety and overwhelm aren’t manageable, and something as simple as making a phone call to a doctors office feels impossible. (And asking for help from someone else to make these calls feels silly bc I should just be able to make a simple phone call.) I’m actually noticing my ADHD which is making that significantly more difficult to manage. And it’s causing me frustration because I just want to keep on track and stop forgetting what I’m doing or what I wanted to do or walk in a room and realize I left dishes mid clean and the water is cold.

My verbal communication is hard. I’m getting frustrated when I can’t find words or I’m misunderstood. And I’ll be honest I don’t know yet what I need and I’m kind of overwhelmed by how quickly and how intense this all hit me. I don’t understand! Why have I gotten worse than I already was?! And how can I help myself get back to at least feeling comfortable in this skin?

It just dawned on me that my life is the story of Amelia Badilia. I remember reading those books in class during grade school and being super confused why her efforts were wrong. I mean, I realized why they were wrong..but I kind of learned that what people say and what they mean are totally different. I had to really calculate what people meant from that point forward. Amelia taught me that literal thinking isn’t really how most people view the world. Have you read these books? What’s your take?

Editing to say: this is for entertainment purposes only. Nobody was harmed in the making of this short (true) story.

On a holiday weekend, the nerospicy family fully opts out of busy crowds; staying indoors and enjoying the rainy weather. I confidently pulled out my trusty cell phone to place an online delivery to keep everyone sated. What’s this? A pop up saying, “please wait 24 hours to place an order again..” I roll my eyes, panic about what to make for dinner but check the time to place it again approximately 24 hours later.

Today’s the day! We can get our groceries! -taps the check out button- “please wait 24 hours to place an order again”……

….

……

……..”it’s been 24 hours”..

I try again, surely there’s been a mistake!

“Please wait 24 hours to place an order again”

This can’t be right. It’s a holiday weekend! I do this same ritual weekly, what do you mean?!

“Kids. We don’t have milk for breakfast. We need to go to the…store.”

The kids stare in panic. “No we don’t! We’ll just eat something else!”
“Yeah mom..we’ll figure it out..” -internal panic sets in-

“I’m sorry to say this. It’s inevitable. We need to venture out for supplies. If not Walmart, at least Dollar General.”

Whole house has a meltdown.

I came across a tiktok creator who mentioned that after diagnosis we tend to try to accommodate ourselves and often mistake accommodations as avoidance. This got me genuinely thinking.

What things would you consider to be an accommodation that could also be considered avoidance? I guess I’m trying to understand bc I’m in the beginning phases after diagnosis and I’ve stopped putting myself in uncomfortable situations and am wondering if I should power through it. Mainly social interactions. My regression has hindered my ability to communicate fluidly and I get overwhelmed and anxious in social situations. I now opt out of big gatherings and prefer smaller social interactions. Is this avoidance or an actual accommodation. I do t want to use my disability as an excuse to avoid things I genuinely dislike..

I’m not happy to say this, but I live with my parents. Im not in the greatest position and don’t have a means to be able to leave or be on my own. Please be kind, I’m vulnerable and Autistic, so I’m not great with expressing myself at this time.

I’m the laughing stock of my family. The scapegoat, simply by being..me. My father is an asshole, but he really thinks he’s something great. My mother is avoidant, and enables him, even if she tries to “stop” him from his ramblings.

Anytime I exist outside of my bedroom, there’s always something said to me. My dad drills me more than my mom but she’s no saint. He makes fun of the way I spend my time, the things I like, the way I look, everything I do. I don’t even speak most of the time..just sit there and take it until I can’t, and walk away. Most of the time he’ll corner me and lecture me for long periods of time while I’m completely overwhelmed until I shut down completely. Every single time I’m in any other part of the house, there’s always something.

I have no friends, no support system, I have financial strain, and holding down a job doesn’t happen for long. I feel alone. And I’m berated by them daily. Dinner meals are the most torture. They think of only themselves, they dote on my brothers every whim, although he’s the most selfish human being I know. I’m just tired. There’s zero empathy. And I try my best every single day. They take the things I do to help them for granted. Throw spontaneous shit at me on a whim and I’m expected to just accept it-and if I say no….my life becomes absolute hell.

I don’t know. I just needed to get this off my chest. It’s tiring, and I’m doing everything I can to just get out..and doing that on my own isn’t exactly easy.

That is all.

-tips hat-

I have suspected autism with my son for about a year, as I was unknowledgeable about how autism presented. I spoke to both the school and the pediatrician and they both shrugged me off and wouldn’t help accommodate in school or getting him evaluated. I then perused my own evaluation in hopes to get him evaluated and this taken seriously. I began implementing sensory toys and noticed a drastic change in his behaviors and overall wellbeing. I found out that I’m AuDHD, and it’s still not easy getting him evaluated. But I continue to try.

My children know that I use headphones for noise reduction, and have weighed blankets and sometimes need a moment in a quiet and dark space when I’m overwhelmed. I try to explain that it just makes me feel better because although I believe my son is autistic, I don’t necessarily want to tell him until there is a finalized diagnosis.

He struggles in crowded spaces, and loud noises startle him. So I mentioned to him that I use ear plugs to help make sounds less uncomfortable. And asked him if he’d be willing to try them for himself, to which he said, “yes.” There are plenty of kids at school who use these accommodations, and I asked if he’d ever noticed the kids at school who use headphones and how he would feel trying them at school. He didn’t want to. He says that the kids with headphones get asked a lot of questions-he doesn’t want the extra attention.
We both looked at headphones together, and he picked a pair that he liked. He says he’d like to try to wear them in public, at restaurants, the park, grocery store. And for me, that’s a great start. I don’t want to pressure him to wear them at school if he’s not ready. Perhaps he’ll find they’re helpful and become more confident wearing them to school one day, or when he needs them most.

How can I explain autism to my child? As a late diagnosed mother, I don’t really know how to navigate this. My child’s father doesn’t believe he’s autistic and isn’t believing my diagnosis either. So I’m very much alone in this. But I want my child to become comfortable with accommodations, and be confident enough to use them outside the home too. How do you start to adapt your child to accommodations? I’m not sure if I’m using the right words atm, but I guess I’m just hoping someone can help me find ways to get him used to the probability of using tools to help him cope, even if he feels he doesn’t necessarily need them (bc he doesn’t want the attention.) How do I go about this?

Sometimes it takes time to process what’s just happened before I can articulate a thought.

Yesterday, I was minding my business when my father spontaneously smacked my butt before leaving the room. I’m 36. And I stood there what appeared unfazed, but I was in shock. I struggle with alexithymia, so I wasn’t sure exactly what I was feeling after he did that, but I knew it wasn’t right. Today it dawned on me that I wish I said something in that very moment to keep it from happening again, and now I fear it’s too late. He doesn’t do this often, but he has done it in the past. Most of my life, inappropriate touch and behaviors. I don’t know of any other adult using butt smacks as a term of endearment with their child. Adult or not.

How can I bring this up without sounding like I’m bringing up something to cause an issue?

And how do you feel when you do? I get super anxious, nerve wracked. And I feel intense guilt when I call off. I’ve lost many jobs for call offs..and I hate this..and it makes me feel horrible for calling off. Sometimes I just need that breather bc I realize I’m in burnout and can’t care for myself let alone the work.