I’ve experienced my first harm intrusive thoughts a month ago and I’ve struggled with it for a while now. I’ve had a week of peace and then I came across something that triggered it and I’m back in the hole I came out of. It’s an urge to do these thoughts instead of it racing in my head and I hate it. I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. This is just difficult to deal with. Has anyone with ocd experienced this???
Hi im 17 ( F ) I’ve had some passings in the past couple months about five that really took a toll on me it was one every month February, march, April, may. It was so hard to deal with that I just pushed those feelings down so I didn’t cry at school. I also had an internship in the ER and I also lost a patient that I had to sit and watch and it really just hit me after school. I cried for hours and my anxiety was over the roof I kept thinking what If they missed something this isn’t fair. Also I occasionally vaped with my friends or at school (unhealthy habit ik) most of the time when I wasn't supposed to. I dont like it but I always decide to do it every time im offered. The last time I had smoked was from a cart and I'd hit it a couple of times mores than I should most of that afternoon, and before I went to sleep. two days later I developed these intrusive thoughts related to harm. I was very confused because im a kind hearted person and I can't even slap someone or playfully punch someone in the arm. Im not a harmful or dangerous person but these thoughts scared me so bad I cried to my doctor about it because I was so confused, they were out of my character. She put me on sertraline two days later and it made me crazy, I feel it made my thoughts worse so I changed to Lexapro. The thoughts were just like, "kill that person" or "kill yourself" and my therapist had said its just intrusive thoughts but I constantly would sit and think over and over why this was happening to me, am I a bad person when in reality I wasn't. My brain was trying to make me feel and believe I was this evil person. I avoided sharp objects and avoided people in general like my friends, my boyfriend, even my family. I had these panic attacks that scared me so bad that I thought I was dying. But I handled them just fine when I started the Lexapro. (Im sorry if this is all over the place) Anyways, after two weeks I was going to church, praying, and getting closer with god and had finally found peace. It wasn't bothering me anymore. Until two days ago when they came back after a streak of not having them. It was frustrating. They were the same but instead it came with feelings like "urges" to do them when I really didn't want to. I was so panicked by it that I locked myself in my room I didn't understand what was going on I dont want to do these evil things. I hated it I felt like I didn't deserve to be around people. I opened up to my boyfriend about this and he was understanding and is by my side right now when I need him. But im frustrated, im thinking I might have OCD but im not sure. I have depression and anxiety, my mom thinks I have ADHD, I just am so frustrated this is happening to me and I just want some relief so I stop googling and reading about it. I just feel like im this crazy person. I've never experienced this before its all new to me and I feel like a lot of things trigger it, my mom works at a hospital and tells me these stories that happen there or just on the news and its triggering. I can't watch scary movies anymore. I used to love scary movies, I get uncomfortable even watching documentaries now or reading the news. I just really need some advice and reassurance.
Today they haven't been as bad but I still feel the need to look for answers all of the time, why this is happening, peoples experiences with this, etc. It feels also like im arguing with myself too. Like when I say that's not me it's like my brain says yes it is. And then I get anxious because I just think am I crazy? I haven't said much to my mom about this because she's going through enough and I put her through enough when this first all started. I just need some opinions or advice on what's going on. I have an appointment to see if I have OCD and ADHD but other than that I just try to ignore the thoughts but I always find myself searching things up. If anyone can relate I'd like to hear about how you handled this.
(im sorry if this is so long)
I've never really had a problem with my thoughts ever but at the start of last month after doing substances with a friend I woke up with harm related intrusive thoughts. I was very confused and really anxious about it that I felt horrible and disgusted with myself because this wasn't me at all. I want to be a pediatric nurse, I want to help others. I dont want to hurt them. I could never do such a thing. But at first I just handled them like they were just thoughts and let them pass by. But after a couple days they just got worse and I kept ruminating on them and I felt like I was this horrible person known to man, why am I having these thoughts? Am I just a really bad person? Am I evil? why was this happening to me.
It got worse after a couple of weeks, I distanced myself from friends and family and even my boyfriend because I was scared, I was terrified, I didn't know why this was happening. The thoughts at first were 'what if's" then changed to "kill this person" or "kill them," I was scared all of the time because I was just scared of my own head. They then changed to "I want this" "I'm going to do this" I wouldn't hurt people I love. This is out of character for me and I hate it a lot. I had three panic attacks that really took a toll on me. I couldn't eat, I had a hard time sleeping. I felt like if I opened up to someone they'd just think i'm this evil person and send me away.
Today they aren't as repetitive (24/7), they just come and go if Im distracted. But it feels like I want these thoughts sometimes, or I want to do it. When I truly do not. I love my family a lot and I love everyone around me, I have a big heart. I wouldn't hurt a soul. But this just sucks. I'm on prozac for my anxiety and it's been okay, I just hate that I have to rely on medicine for this stuff. There more of a feeling but I still hate it, because I dont want to think this way. My head was never like this. I wish I could go back in time and never had smoked as much as I did. I dont know if I have OCD or not but I do ave really bad anxiety and depression.
Any thoughts or recommendations to help?
Hi im 17 ( F ) I’ve had some passings in the past couple months about five that really took a toll on me it was one every month February, march, April, may. It was so hard to deal with that I just pushed those feelings down so I didn’t cry at school. I also had an internship in the ER and I also lost a patient that I had to sit and watch and it really just hit me after school. I cried for hours and my anxiety was over the roof I kept thinking what If they missed something this isn’t fair. Also I occasionally vaped with my friends or at school (unhealthy habit ik) most of the time when I wasn't supposed to. I dont like it but I always decide to do it every time im offered. The last time I had smoked was from a cart and I'd hit it a couple of times mores than I should most of that afternoon, and before I went to sleep. two days later I developed these intrusive thoughts related to harm. I was very confused because im a kind hearted person and I can't even slap someone or playfully punch someone in the arm. Im not a harmful or dangerous person but these thoughts scared me so bad I cried to my doctor about it because I was so confused, they were out of my character. She put me on sertraline two days later and it made me crazy, I feel it made my thoughts worse so I changed to Lexapro. The thoughts were just like, "kill that person" or "kill yourself" and my therapist had said its just intrusive thoughts but I constantly would sit and think over and over why this was happening to me, am I a bad person when in reality I wasn't. My brain was trying to make me feel and believe I was this evil person. I avoided sharp objects and avoided people in general like my friends, my boyfriend, even my family. I had these panic attacks that scared me so bad that I thought I was dying. But I handled them just fine when I started the Lexapro. (Im sorry if this is all over the place) Anyways, after two weeks I was going to church, praying, and getting closer with god and had finally found peace. It wasn't bothering me anymore. Until two days ago when they came back after a streak of not having them. It was frustrating. They were the same but instead it came with feelings like "urges" to do them when I really didn't want to. I was so panicked by it that I locked myself in my room I didn't understand what was going on I dont want to do these evil things. I hated it I felt like I didn't deserve to be around people. I opened up to my boyfriend about this and he was understanding and is by my side right now when I need him. But im frustrated, im thinking I might have OCD but im not sure. I have depression and anxiety, my mom thinks I have ADHD, I just am so frustrated this is happening to me and I just want some relief so I stop googling and reading about it. I just feel like im this crazy person. I've never experienced this before its all new to me and I feel like a lot of things trigger it, my mom works at a hospital and tells me these stories that happen there or just on the news and its triggering. I can't watch scary movies anymore. I used to love scary movies, I get uncomfortable even watching documentaries now or reading the news. I just really need some advice and reassurance.
Today they haven't been as bad but I still feel the need to look for answers all of the time, why this is happening, peoples experiences with this, etc. It feels also like im arguing with myself too. Like when I say that's not me it's like my brain says yes it is. And then I get anxious because I just think am I crazy? I haven't said much to my mom about this because she's going through enough and I put her through enough when this first all started. I just need some opinions or advice on what's going on. I have an appointment to see if I have OCD and ADHD but other than that I just try to ignore the thoughts but I always find myself searching things up. If anyone can relate I'd like to hear about how you handled this.
(im sorry if this is so long)
Hello everyone, I’m Jack 21M. Around mid-November I had my first ever ‘sticky’ intrusive thought, I was led with my girlfriend and was imagining fighting over intruders/ninjas (come on gentleman we all do it) and then the image of me accidentally stabbing her with a knife shot up in my brain and the nightmare started from there. I began questioning why I would even think that and the thought was so distressing that I cried while she was asleep next to me and the guilt was awful. Fast forward to a week ago, the thought was still popping up occasionally but now it was more of a “what if i do it on purpose “ and I would try my best to fight it off and reassure myself that I would never ever hurt her in any way but of course OCD is OCD so no matter what reassurance you give yourself it never works.
It got to a point last week where I had a massive anxiety attack and it felt like I had to fight the ‘urge’ to follow through on the thought but of course it was never going to happen. I honestly believed I was going crazy/getting possessed (lol) and I was so unbelievably terrified. After the attack passed I decided to tell her what was going on even though the guilt of even having them in the first place was eating me alive, i was scared she would think I’m a psychopath or that I actually wanted to hurt her but of course I didn’t and never would. Thankfully, she was unbelievably supportive and did the research for me and found out about Harm OCD and it checked all the boxes on how I was feeling and how I responded to the thoughts
After spending Saturday and Sunday shaking with anxiety I rang my GP on the Monday and explained my symptoms and was prescribed Fluoxetine 20mg (Prozac) and Propranolol 10mg and am currently on the waiting list for a OCD specialised therapist.
The start of the week was tough, the prozac was kicking my ass, it was definitely making my anxiety worse and I also feel it was/is amplifying the guilt from the thoughts which would put me in a constant low mood, I was still doubting everything and was so scared that I wasn’t in control of my actions, that the thoughts were reflective of my character and who I was but of course that’s not the case. I bought the books ‘Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts’ and ‘Overcoming Harm OCD’ through audible and I cannot stress enough how helpful they have been.
A combination of research on the theme, OCD in general, listening to both of the books and having my girlfriend and family in my support circle who understood me and what I was going through has been so essential to making me feel better so quickly.
I would constantly seek reassurance, come to reddit for reassurance and ruminate but after doing more research I realised these were ‘compulsions’ so i stopped.
The books and research taught me why the thoughts occur, what they actually mean and how they aren’t reflective of who you are and this is what stuck with me. I’ve always been someone who needs reasons to the madness and the books provided it.
I’ve accepted that everyone has these thoughts but the fact they stick is due to the OCD and because they go against who I am as a person. The reason you have so much anxiety/disgust/guilt about the thoughts is because you would never do them. Instead of fighting the thoughts I now just acknowledge them, accept them and let them pass.
Now I am 100% sure I must be an anomaly case, a lot of people suffer with this condition for a long time. I’m not sure if it’s because i caught what it was early or I might just of been extremely lucky.
I am not 100% cured, I will definitely wake up in the morning anxiety ridden :D but these are the steps I’ve taken in just one week and I’m already seeing such huge benefits.
You are not alone, you are not crazy, you will not act on the thoughts and you will beat this. We both will.