>!Chapter 90!<: I didn’t realize books could get so blurry so fast.
I literally went into a sobbing fit and I could not even stop crying long enough to continue reading. I just had to take a breather from the >!absolutely heartbreaking!< scene that unfolded from >!Manon’s POV!<. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I’ll keep the spoiler warning.
It’s not the first time I’ve cried or had a physical reaction to the series let alone KOA itself. But in this reread (first time since it’s release) I didn’t realize just how powerful and interconnected everything in TOG is, I wish I had done the reread sooner, the first time I read the series as it came out and I wasn’t so deeply invested in the story because so much time had passed between the release of the books, but these past few weeks of non-stop reading and also finally doing the tandem read of EoS and ToD, it is literally breaking me apart to the absolute fiber of my being. Sara. Please. Never stop destroying me emotionally and rebuilding me from the ashes (pun intended) 😭😭😭😭

*UPDATE* TL,DR: I don’t forgive my mother for any of her actions while growing up, and she never contacted me about making amends. AIO for not wanting to forgive her and remaining nearly no-contact? I responded to her latest message

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother. The entire time I was growing up it felt like she resented me and would constantly use me as a bargaining chip against my dad. I am the youngest and the only daughter my mother has.

She never taught me how to be a woman because she herself wasn’t very feminine. Hair, makeup, feminine hygiene, sexual education- all had to be self taught. This led to various dangerous situations that I’m surprised I survived and didn’t get impregnated. She never noticed a change and I couldn’t trust her for support.

Emotions that weren’t hers were shut down and not allowed to be felt. She was a hoarder and I think still is based on the last in-person interaction I had with her almost 2 years ago. Our home was disgusting and remained that way even after my dad left her.

The beginning of the end:

When I was 12, my oldest half brother ran away from home in the middle of the night and my mother blamed my dad, my brother revealed it was mostly her, and partially my dad because he was too strict and my mom was too rude to his girlfriend, now wife (14 years strong- I’m glad he got out) She was jealous and started saying we hated her, and would constantly compare me to my dad and say how horrible he was. She resented me because I was his pride and joy, and was the most like him.

He wasn’t the best dad in the world and I resented him for a long time and he used to beat the crap out of me and my brother (mostly me) when we didn’t do the chores or got bad grades.
My parents argued all the time. It often resulted in broken glass and me cleaning up because my other brother would leave.

13-14 I was the only one left to deal with their arguments, I would separate them and console my mother even though having heard every argument and everything thrown I would usually hear that my dad was a few minutes late from work and she was accusing him of cheating.

When I was 15, I took an entire bottle of Tylenol, and half a bottle of Midol. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because I felt so alone but instead of helping me, she made it about herself, she wouldn’t let my dad or brothers visit me in the mental hospital. They took my door off my room and put a lock on the medicine cabinet it was still there by the time I moved out. My dad started to realize I was the only sane one left at the house since my brother completely left and moved in with his girlfriend and started couch surfing just to stay away from the house. My dad would bring me breakfast and wake me up for school since he worked nights and would often work overtime.

When I was 16, my parents arguments got more frequent and my mother went crazy. She started secretly doing drugs and was insanely paranoid. She thought my dad was cheating on her and somehow monitoring her laptop, she quit her job because she thought her bosses were monitoring and changing her desktop layout on her office computer.

This made the arguments worse, she would try to show me “evidence” including the fact that my dad would close her browsers, the site she chose to show me that he was closing them from his phone was pornhub… wtf mom.

I got my bedroom door back when my Dad’s friend bought one and said I deserved my own privacy and space. This was during some major renovations on our house and I am very grateful for that.

I lost my boyfriend to a self inflicted GSW, and I took it pretty hard. My mother decided to use that pain against me to garner sympathy. Her preferred method was to take a loaded gun during an argument with my dad and run outside and threaten to kill herself. My dad opened my bedroom door (I was reading a book during this argument) and told me what was going on hoping I could calm her down. I was annoyed that I had to stop my reading to deal with this. And even more pissed that she is threatening to shoot herself after I was despondent because that’s how my boyfriend just died. I walked out there to her and had a loaded gun shoved in my face while she screamed that I hated her and that she should just kill herself. I went from screaming at her to “get the gun out of my face”to telling her to “just fucking do it” and eventually my brother (who thankfully was home that day) walked out and took the gun from her hands. I called the police and they said they couldn’t do anything about it. Thanks cops.

We had to renovate our only bathroom which led to us finding out our neighbor (an older man who raised me like his granddaughter) who I would work for and help often for very good pay- was a peeping tom with spy cameras in his bathroom that he offered to us during the renovation. My mother’s paranoia was good for something because she took the camera and opened the files, found all of us using the bathroom, and instead of going to the police, she deleted the footage and threw away the camera. I lost what I thought was a friend and a bit more of the safety and security of my home/family.

My dad apologized to me because he also felt the pain and loss of safety. My mother never mentioned it or tried talking to me.

On my 17th birthday, in front of my only 2 friends, she had a complete meltdown because I didn’t want to accept “birthday spankings” she blamed me for hating her and turning into my father. She ripped Christmas lights off the walls along with some wall trimming, she broke the bathroom door because I had shut myself inside and held the door shut so she kicked it until it splintered. One friend left and never came back, the other stayed with me, she’s still my best friend to this day, my mom hated her.

When I was 18, my mom set me up with one of her “friends” who was supposedly a wealthy older man who often commented on how beautiful I was to my mom on facebook. She made me go out to see his “employment offer” I brought my then boyfriend and the man wasn’t pleased. The payment was good, but the man was even worse than the peeping tom, he would often make conversation about sex and sexuality, and I would shut him down pretty aggressively, and he found that more appealing. The payment was good, and his advances never went beyond asking for nude photos that I would shut down. I was still getting paid until one day he got angry with me for denying him again, I stopped talking to him. He is a stain on the planet, and I hope his CHF caught up to him.

Thanks mom for putting me in that situation and not being supportive enough to get me out. I can’t say she’s fully to blame because I could’ve stopped it sooner but I wanted money to leave. My dad worked so much and did so much overtime (trying to stay away from home and provide for everyone) that he never noticed and I felt at the time that if I told him I would get into trouble, and my dad would be disappointed.

I left home and joined the military, just to get away. I met my now ex husband, and he moved in with me after training, we got our own apartment and I was finally free, we had our son and I attempted to involve my mother at my dads request. She proceeded to go against every rule I had for my son, including giving my 6 month old a straw full of soda for a laugh.

Soon after my parents finally got a divorce, my dad realized there was no fixing her. This led to her earning some misdemeanors and warrants, she got pulled over and was found with felony drug paraphernalia. She was arrested and bailed herself out, she requested $2500 from me to pay for her attorney while I was on deployment saying I was the last hope and she wouldn’t be asking if she wasn’t denied by my brothers and rest of my family. I only did so after deciding that she might just kill herself and blame me if I didn’t. She promised to pay me back, and I know I will never see that money. I stopped talking to her unless she messaged me first.
As time went on I started to rebuild the relationship with my dad, and his side of the family since my mother ostracized us from them out of jealousy because she didn’t appreciate not being the center of attention or having her ideals challenged during conversation. Through this I heard my mother was in a 12 step program and part of that was making amends- she messaged my father, which he confided in me to ask how to proceed. We came up with something along the lines of “it’s good that you’re working on yourself, however I will not be part of your program, best of luck”

My mother never reached out to me and that gave me the final answer on why I don’t have to forgive her or care about her because even when in a state mandated 12 step program, she couldn’t reflect on the fact that she was the driving cause of dysfunction in our family. She blames my dad for “brainwashing” me and my brothers into hating her. I refuse contact with her except for the short responses to her “I love you to the moon and back” which I reply only with “thanks. love you too.”

I feel like if I ever confronted her it would just end up in a screaming match. I don’t think I can handle seeing her try to excuse any of her actions and failures only to end up blaming me for everything.

TL,DR: TL,DR: I don’t forgive my mother for any of her actions while growing up, and she never contacted me about making amends. AIO for not wanting to forgive her and remaining nearly no-contact?

Update

She texted me again “ Hey baby. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I want you to know that I love you so much!”

I decided to respond. No contact won’t solve anything, and just playing along encourages further meaningless interactions that genuinely make me feel horrible.

My response:

“Mom, I’m going to be honest.

When you message me, I get put into emotional turmoil.
I appreciate and understand where you’re coming from, but there are a lot of things that I find hard to forgive and forget about.

I feel like I am forcibly obligated to respond and be nice. But there is a lot I find hard to forgive especially when forgiveness and acceptance of your past actions haven’t been acknowledged.

This has been weighing on me for years, and each time I am torn between wanting to forget about everything and live my own life, and being obligated to respond to keep you from feeling bad, which makes me feel guilty because it’s like each time I respond it’s another instance of perceived forgiveness, when it’s not.

I can’t keep lying to myself, and I understand that I need to find it in myself to forgive but it’s hard to when it’s never been acknowledged.

I knew about your 12 step program and I was genuinely hurt when you never reached out to me to make amends. Especially when I was there for the brunt of most arguments playing referee or just having to deal with hearing it all. which has caused a lot of underlying issues like panic attacks when I hear people fighting.

I was also at the end of some really horrible situations I didn’t want to be put in but I didn’t really have a choice.

I understand you did your best. And I understand that you love me.

However, now that I am a mom and I’m having to fix myself and my own reactions to things, there are still situations I was put in that I could never understand or begin to forgive without acknowledgment. “

and now we wait…