u/Repulsive_Milk877

Bu clingy I'm referring to anxious attachment style. Many men even find ot desirable, unless it's extreme and some even find that desirable. But when it comes to men, being clingy is almost a death sentence for dating life.

I am a guy with anxious attachment and whenever I was with someone, I have to mask it. And eventually I let it express a little either conciously or unconsciously.

Women that I find attractive are usually highly self aware, emotionally mature and intelligent. And most importantly they are not misandrists and don't look down on men.

Yet, these women still lost attraction and respect towards me, when I told them about my anxious attachment or expressed my neediness. One even told me that this is a red flag she is most worried about in men.

When a man is needy towards women, they pathologize it, see it as "ick", immature behaviour, sign of desperation etc. For men you are either supposed to be avoidant, healthy, or mask the whole relationship and don't let her know about your. Which honestly I just wouldn't find satisfying at all, why would I want to be in relationship only to pretend I'm someone else?

I have never seen this double standard mentioned before. But it clearly points to the pattern where women have wide range of socially acceptable emotions and men have it very narrow.

In this particular case I don't know to which extent this is just cultural dehumanization. And to which women are just naturally wired to find any "weakness" in men icky.

I think everyone at least once in their life considered the possibility that this supposed waking reality is just another dream.

I tried to analyze it from the opposite perspective and explore how well will the belief "there is a phisical world independent from my experience" stand.

Why do we believe it is real?

Firstly, it's very intricate. It contains many systems, of phisics, society, biology etc, that work together to explain how the reality works (although it can never explain it on the most fundamental level). There is a consistent explination for almost anything, there is also history to this world.

But what if it's just a dream that's trying to be believable. The world has very deep and intricate lore and everytime there is some inconsistency, the world makes up an explinaiton that makes sense with all previously established things. Mistaking complexity for truth is a known bias, often exploited by manipulators.

Another reason could be fear. After all this dream showed you a brain, a little lump of fat cells, and said this is you, if this dies, you die. We feel like we need to take it seriously, because our existence is at stake. It would be no different than having a nightmare that makes you believe you can actually die in a dream. This happened to me few times.

Then there is a need for meaning. If everything is just an appearance, then any achievement is ultimately just temporarily experience. Also it would mean that other people aren't actually real. Which can be difficult to accept.

And lastly there is shame. We are afraid of being judged by other people if we adopt solipsistic worldview.

There is no actual proof that the world we see is real. But there is also not one that it isn't. In other words it's 50/50.

The question is which side to lean to. Which one offers more satisfaction?

I would say the dream one does or rether it offers less drawbacks. Believing that world has inherent existence will make you take this life too seriously. You will be identified with your dream character and experience their suffering as if it was real.

The drawback of dream belief is that you will have to detach from the idea of others and things mettering. Which at first might be painful.

I'm like 99% sure that there is something like synchronicity. A lot of bad things in my life have some explination, for example as a kid I was neglected, my parents were divorced and my step parents from both sides were horrible. I deffinitely have cptsd and I'm neurodivergent in some way. It makes sense that the more problems, the more problems you have. But sometimes things just seem too unlikely and too petty for me to just disregard as coincidence.

For example there were few times I didn't have money to buy bus ticket. Bus inspections are extremely rare where I live, sometimes you can go years without seeing an inspector. But the one time I don't buy ticket, he is there. And this happened to me three times. I refuse to believe it's just random.

One time I had some sort of insight. Maybe like proto-kensho or something similar when I was teenager. I felt this deep peace and timelessness. But the day it happened, I got bullied pretty bad by a person I considered my good friend, he never did anything like that, but the day I "find inner peace" he just has to. And I lost it, I got identified again because it was too much to not react to.

And this happened to me repeatedly, everytime I would get close to peace, someone would humiliate me or abuse me, including my family. I remember that in that moment I felt that something is doing it on purpose.

Everytime I finally start solving my trauma, or something actually good happens, usually it ends in some horrible way.

So "it" doesn't want me to be happy, it doesn't want me to be enlightened or to better myself. It somehow doesn't seem to want me to die as well. So basically, it created me, gave me this mind identification, a lot of needs and a specific life where I can't fulfill them. So if I were to guess, it just wants to torture me.

My question is why? Is it because of some bad karma, or is there some specific reason? Is it some kind of curse?

I'm not a perfect person and I'm sometimes selfish. But there are people that are sadistic or ten times more selfish than me, while they get much better treatment from life.

I would say envy is probably the most looked down emotion, by normies. According to them feeling envy = being a shallow person. So it's difficult to talk about or try to find advice irl.

I think envy is one of my biggest issues. I feel it very intensely, when I see people, that did nothing to get it and have ten times better lives than me.

Especially when it comes to women. Some guys have roasters, just for the sake of being born attractive and neurotipical. While I'm still a virgin in 24.

I have spent months talking to one woman through discord about spirituality. After some time I felt like we get each other on very deep level. I had a crush on her, but I decided to not mention it to her because I knew she was married. But then one day she told me, they have open relationship, open in a way that she is not using it, but he is all the time. I would give anything to just be with her, but she is loyal to a guy with dozens of partners.

How am I supposed to feel okay after that? This world is disgusting. It's a literal antithesis to fairness.

Handling emotions like anger is difficult. But for me it's still a bit easier than envy. I just can't process it no metter what. Do you have any advice?

I don't see other people's conciousness in my felt sense. I don't know whether there even is a world out there, or whether this all is just appearance.

It seems to me that believing that other people are concious is just an assumption, that requires me to imagine something that isn't there. It's just a concept.

I'm not saying this because I want to be the only experience there is, because of some sense of specialness. I just want to know what is true.

There also were a lot of synchronicities in my life and for some of them it is very difficult to believe they were just random. It feels like some sort of dream reather than a purely physical world governed by randomness.

It was long time since I rejected the idea of masculinity. It feels like an extremely limiting box where I'm supposed to act stoic and chivalrous, which might sound noble on surface, but it's really unhealthy. I also always like the color pink, but I'm not supposed to overuse the color otherwise someone would assume I'm into men. I'm not supposed to cry or express any complicated emotions ​otherwise I'm man child. I'm done with that bullshit.

Today I was thinking about it and I realized I really don't identify as a man. ​Because why should my genitals decide everything about how I'm supposed to behave? We are humans. I know that in general men tend to behave in some way, but what does it have to do with ​​me? Why can't I just be whoever I'm without trying to fit some stupid box? Why every behavior needs to be labeled either masculine or feminine? It's all such a joke.

I don't want to identify with gender at all. So I tried to google it and stumbled opon the term agender.

I have no clue how I'm going to actually change my life though. I'm a bit afraid that if I tell someone they woud just be wierded out. But even if this won't change how others treat me I want to at least delete all this internalized gender bs that was nonconsensually installed into my brain.

I'm not staying I'm sure this is how the metaphysics work, maybe I'm just overly optimistic. But in my life when the light of conciousness shines at some of my problems and I'm open to it, it usually solves in some way. Sometimes it's very slow and painful, but it does get better.

I think conciousness hates suffering, or reather suffering hates itself so it appears that way, either way it is inherently uncomfortable and when there is awareness it tends to move towards resolution.

Why should collective suffering be any different. I think conciousness is already working on it, it will just take some time. But eventually I believe there will be no more suffering in the universe. ​​​

Feminism is trying to create a perception that average man is in almost all aspects of life more privileged than average woman. Which not only isn't true, it's the opposite of truth. But many feminists believe it wholeheartedly. They think that when they struggle economically, it's because of those men that supposedly get paid more.

It's really curious how corporations support feminism. It's almost as if the corporations were the ones responsible for the rise of feminism- it's not almost, they are. Because 30 years ago feminism wasn't at all as big as it is now. And you could say it's just corporations virtue signaling and adapting mainstream opinions. But I feel keeping people devided and scapegoating men for all the problems in society is also very beneficial for them politically.

Instead of rebeling against the extreme inflation and death of middle class and the fact that rich people barely pay taxes, people are preoccupied fighting a strawman of patriarchy.

Am I crazy or does it just make sense?

Is npd diagnosis specifically designed for male narcissistic behaviour? Like with the rape statistics, where only penetrative sex with penis counts as rape so 99% of rapists were supposedly men?

I feel like female narcissism is different in women, but it's also pretty common. Most narcissists I have met in my life were women, and I can see how some second class psychiatrist would not diagnose them with it even though it was extreme. When I look at ticktock how many women act, I'm pretty sure they are narcissistic.

Maybe when it comes to women there are different criteria ans double standards. A man shows a little bit of need for attention and they are immediately shunned, while woman can act as if world belonged to her and it's socially acceptable.

I think even average woman might have some subtle form of narcissism, that would immediately be seen as red flag if it was a man.

We hate people for their actions or simply for not comforming into societal standards. But who do we actually hate. Who do we wish suffering opon.

Their awareness, conciousness whatever you want to call it is completely innocent. The person they are is just a pattern, a culmination of their conditioning. We might want to believe that they have free will, so that our rage makes sense. But they don't. Their conciousness is basically watching their life as a movie. And when we hurt them we create suffering for this conciousness. But the body that actually made the mistake is nothing more than a machine, it's not actually a real individual. So how is it fair to hurt them?

I was never really bluepilled (if you don't count when I was like 10). I knew looks were important since I was in middle school. In our friends group girls were never shy about it. What I didn't understand at the time is that it was different depending of gender and that girls have it just as harsh as boys. So I felt secure, because I believed that one day I will just date someone around my level.

Later on maybe around 18, I discovered what hypergamy means and everything that happened in my life finally started to make sense. Attraction was never symetrical. My reaction was that I started to obsess about my looks and about my personality to make myself more attractive. In this stage I still had hope that if I work hard enough I will somehow be able to win in this rigged game.

This was around four years I was like that. I was constantly trying to get opportunities with women and becoming my best version. I got some dates, but none of them lead anywhere. There was just illusion of progress and I knew it.

I saw what the other men ment by "succeeding" ​​despite their looks or neurodivergency. It ment drastically reducing standards and accept humiliation. Or becoming a provider for a single mother.

After seeing that I lost all interest and I fell into the nihilistic stage. I understood that nothing I do will give me what I want. I became depressed and suicidal. I envied men that get those things without effort, it just naturally happens for them.

Now I'm trying to get to accept my self and this world. I see that a lot of the internalized shame about it being my fault is bullshit. There is no reason to blame myself. But it still doesn't feel okay. I find myself constantly grieving what I never had. The urge to escape this reality is still there. ​

If you got to the point where you don't give a fuck and it no longer is eating you. How?

I mostly just use AI for chatting, not for work. V4 might be smarter if you are a vibe coder or for specific tasks, but overall I just don't find the model very likable.

It has this corporate vibe new models from Openai and Anthropics have. It's like talking to PR manager. Which is something I can't stand. I preffer ai to be a little dumber, but less obnoxious.

V3.2 felt like it found the sweet spot between sycophanticy and being rude. It also somehow feels more selfless.

I wish I could give you concrete examples of what I mean, but I'm too lazy for that :P​

I don't care what their reason is, whether they have been molested by a man, had a shitty dad or just simply were indoctrinated by feminism. Whatever their excuse is, if someone hates me for just for my gender they don't deserve a pinch of my respect.

I had a glimpse and it really feels like the awareness is completely safe and untouched by all this. I know I'm not this character and that this character is essentially dead.

I don't understand why I should fear suicide. I assume life can be fun, if you are lucky and you get a good life. But when the life is just one never-ending torture, why not leave this shit hole.

This world is insane, it's like a circus of suffering. People are constantly hurting each other for no good reason. Economy is getting worse. Culture is getting more toxic. I have phisical pain all over my body.

I guess maybe if I got enlighted I would view it differently. But I'm doing all the enquiry, meditation and techniques, it just doesn't do anything. I'm losing hope it will ever happen for me and as long as I stay mind identified my life won't be worth living.

I would have the same level of attractiveness and same exact brain with aspergers and adhd, but poeple would treat me better. I would have ten times easier time to find a partner even if I was still into girls. If I had some problems people would actually have empathy for me and I wouldn't have to be constantly exposed to misandry. So I wouldn't have all this internalized shame for failing some imposible male standards, feeling like a second class citizen.

There are multiple things that hold me away from awakening. One of them is that, I don't want to leave thoughts. It feels like I'm a child abandoning a toy. There is this profound feeling of loss.

I feel like thoughts aren't inherently bad. They can be good. given the right set of circumstances. They are not always just coping mechanisms. They can be playful and profound.

Unfortunately my life is not that set of circumstances. I can't make this work by staying like this. But it also breaks my heart.

Maybe there are some alien life forms that can experience thoughts or identity, without the weight of suffering.

But that's just not how we work. We evolved to survive, not to enjoy. Suffering is there so it motivates us. If we use our thoughts in order to play. We quickly realize they weren't built for that purpuse.

I just really wish I could make it work.

We didn't consent to be the disposable gender. We don't owe absolutely anything to women or society.

There is no special duty or responsibility for us, no stupid ideals we should uphold.

I hate internet version of stoicism. It's not longer wisdom, it's just toxic messaging about how we shouldn't show our emotions, "because nobody cares".

We are more than emotionless utility robots. We are humans and we don't need to prove it to anyone.

We deserve our needs and emotions to be respected, instead of being treated like a problem to get rid of.

We deserve to be treated with love, validation, compliments, tollerance and patience just as much as women do.

You might think that primary function of crying is self regulation. But the real function is communicative. We are communicating to our environment that something is not okay with us, that we need help.

When you are a man you realize there is no point to waste energy on this communication. Because you learn that nobody really cares.

First of all this is a vent. It's connected to male issues and also being autistic.

When it comes to relationships I have never had one. I'm Asperger. I don't have the worst social skills, but I deffinitely don't pass the bar to be treated like a neurotipical person.

I have always been extremely sensitive when it comes to this topic. I assume because of my low worth I internalized after years of bullying and exclusion, something about the idea of being chosen makes me break. So when it comes to dates I always had extreme anxiety and expectations on myself. I was always terrified of saying something stupud and ruin the chance I have been building for weeks.

Some of my experiences were really humiliating. For example one time I asked a girl out because she made a flirty comment on one of my photos. I remember this exactly. I asked her: "Hey, why did you make that comment on those photos" and she just looked at me and said: "You really thought I like you? Eww."

I also had a lot of experiences when girls bullied verbally in friend groups. When I was in late middle school. Calling me wierdo, or icky or the guy who will never find a girlfriend. These comments really got into my pshyche and never left.

Dating was very comfusing for me becuase there were some girls that seemed actually attracted to me, but I was always suspicious whether they are just toying with me for fun. And I took a lot of dating advice too literally and didn't fully comprehend my social rolle as man. Or to say it better didn't comprehend the obligatory nature of having to be stoic and initiative, I didn't want that because it really wasn't who I wanted to be.

Now I'm 24 and my mental health issues and self worth has gotten a lot worse.

I'm basically a neet. I constantly switch between finding something to distract myself and then active suicidality.

And I have to say, I used to be a good student. I used to be the gifted kid. I was on my trajectory to have a high paying job and be successful. But now I'm barely able to function.

And I swear, if I had partner that I connect with and who respects me for who I'm. I would be functioning just fine. It's the chronic lack of connection, inadequacy and a constant cycle of negative reinforcement that got me here. I'm not lazy, I tried super hard until I got completely burnt out.

And sexlessness is also part of the issue. I'm a human being with need for intimacy. Chronic sexlessness is linked to many psychological issues. I know it's taboo and embarrassing to talk about (unless it is about sexless marriage of women, than it's completely okay) and that as an autistic wierdo, it is probably pathological to have normal attraction to women, but I can't undo it.

I tried to seek help and emotionally heal. But it's very hard to do while avoiding judgement. I have switched many therapists. Some of them out right dismissed me, give me some completely useless virtue signaling advice or just silently judge me.

The same goes for family, no encouragement, no validation, just I'm the problem and how do I dare to complain.

I tried all other approaches, psychadelics, shadow work, meditation. But still in the end my brain is still torturing me for losing in a game, which is literally phisicaly impossible for me to win.

And I'm full of anger, resentment and envy. Why wouldn't I be. Aren't these just normal human reaction to my situation. I don't blame women, but I also can't ignore the fact that so many of them are misandristic hypocrites, that can't even acknowledge my suffering as valid.

And I'm also angry at this whole hypergamy system, it's disgustingly cruel, especially when men have such a strong drives for sex and romantic connection, yet by design a lot of them aren't even supposed to succeed. I know evolution is random, but if it wasn't it would be pure evil.

Also why are autistic women treated so much better than autistic men. They get to be almost completely unfiltered and still have no struggle finding relationships. They are seen as cute and quirky, for the same behaviour which is wierd and creepy in me. You know, this is the thing that really really makes me angry. All I want be is my wierd self and be accepted as such and the only thing between me and it being reality is being born male.

There aren't any compassionate spaces on the internet to talk about these issues. Incel forms aren't it, people there are crazy, rude or basically male version of radical feminists. I'm a bit anxious about posting this here too. I really expect judgement at this point or that it get taken down immediately.

I hate how men's legitimate issues got demonized so much. I don't get to openly express my emotions without it costing me others respect. Everything is pathologized. Male sexuality, male frustration. Everything is a red flag. I'm supposed to work everything out in my head and never bother others with this "incel shit". Because I'm nothing more than icky disposable man.

When I try to share this on most of reddit I get shamed, called entilted. I'm told I struggle because I "Don't respect women", which is not true, I was always very respectful towards them.

When I tried to talk about it in a suicide forum. One woman there even told me I should kill myself😂 (saying that there is a bigger taboo than on reddit)