u/Repulsive_Word_5644

just wondering how many of us have been negatively affected by our parents/community and their relationship to religion? i’m mallu/pentecostal, grew up actively attending church, still attend and have to be active (choir, youth activities, even translating for our pastor into english every week). the already restrictive nature of our culture is made worse by religion: anything, no matter how tame and harmless, is rebellion against the holy spirit, spiritual warfare, powers of darkness. you can’t even breathe the way you want without the fear of being watched by someone from the church who might snitch on you. can’t participate in traditional/cultural practices like festivals, because it’s against our religion.

because of the constant clashing, i’ve lost interest in the church and i’ve been deconstructing religion for myself, and my opinions definitely wouldn’t be taken well by them. i have no desire to participate in church activities, i don’t feel comfortable in this homogenous community of people who don’t do anything else but go to church with people who are the same as them.

wondering if anyone else has experienced things like this from their families, being driven away from your own culture because of religion (if you’re not hindu/any other non-abrahamic religion, specifically south asian ones), and also being isolated from the rest of the world to feel constantly othered.

this is a rant but genuinely why does everything have to be some kind of “powers of darkness” “spiritual warfare” moment ? when i want to do something harmless (go shopping with a friend i’ve known for 15 years, in this specific case), it turns into some spirit of rebellion nonsense ?? all i said is “i’m going to the city with my friend in the morning”, why does that make you pray loudly in tongues about it at 1 am ??? why are you calling it “dark forces” genuinely what is your issue i can’t comprehend it, why is everything warfare with these people why are they so insane about everything ??

My bf (26m) and i (24f) got into a heated discussion today about why i disagree with his desire to join the military as a medic because it’s “honorable”. he works in healthcare, i have two comp sci/cybersecurity degrees. i have strong political views, and i would describe him as a centrist, that’s not what this post is about, it is also not about arguing over politics.

my argument was that his joining the military would be him upholding certain values that go against our morals. but there was a lot of what felt like ad hominem from his end, calling me hypocritical considering i could potentially be working for a company whose higher ups have values i also don’t agree with. i told him, no, though i would be a hypocrite if i wanted to work for a defense company like lockheed martin while claiming to be anti-war etc. but i am actively not doing that, or considering that. i also think that people in law enforcement or the military should have a duty to the people they claim to protect first and foremost, and the right thing to do, if they disagree with human rights violations and exploitation of power, would be to resign.

he continues to call me a hypocrite “using my own logic” because i’m not finding another job where all our values align (tu quoque, or am i wrong?). i am a secretary at the same hospital as him, for reference, bc i am struggling to find a cs job (shoutout tech world lol).

he also says things like

“it’s okay, you have your strong political views, it’s cute”

“i think you’re going crazy because you’re mad” (i had shared a different, entirely unrelated situation that upset me, but i’m capable of separating my emotions, yk, like an adult)

“you have a masters degree, but it doesn’t sound like you’re putting that education to use right now”.

when i told him there are ngos he could join to help veterans/soldiers in active combat etc, he asked me “then give me a list of orgs you think i haven’t tried” and ofc i cant think of anything besides doctors without borders on the spot bc im not actively researching this like he seems to be, and he says “so how are you going to talk about something you don’t know shit about”. after a simple google search, i’ve now come up with several ngos but that’s shifting the burden of proof onto me after the fact.

after asking if i’ve taken anything away from this conversation, or changed my mindset, i told him i’m not going to sit and tell him he’s right and i’m wrong because i still disagree, he says “i’m not asking you to say i’m right. i’m sorry if the people around you made you feel that way daily so you think i’m trying to do that too, but i’m not”, referring to my experiences with gaslighting from my narcissistic parents who shut me down when i stand up for myself. he also said something about me “not speaking up when something is wrong anyway”, which genuinely irked me because it’s not true? i am an opinionated individual, and he knows i don’t accept bs from grown adults. i also know he only said that because when he once had a conflict with a nurse he worked with, i told him that to survive in a workplace you have to be professional with how you handle disagreements with your coworkers, and you need to be able to communicate your discomforts with your team members, especially in a patient care setting instead of being petty and giving the silent treatment or refusing to work with them again. at the time, he admitted that was a level of maturity he didn’t know if he had in him.

i told him multiple times during the convo to not patronize me or talk down to me, but he kept laughing it off and saying that’s not what he was trying to do. 8 hours of not talking later, after my shift at work, i texted him saying we’re allowed to agree to disagree and debate about anything, but i will not tolerate gaslighting, patronizing, or attacks on my character/intelligence during those disagreements. i already deal with enough narcissism from my parents, i cannot deal with it from him too. i just want to know if im being crazy to think that these were all attempts at manipulating me to ceding the argument and admitting “defeat”? i don’t enjoy debating with him because it turns into cheap gaslighting from him and i feel insane when i tell him to stop.

for context, i had a conversation with my bf about him wanting to one day join the military as a nurse/medic. i said i couldn’t support a decision like that considering the history of the US military and also what is currently happening both within our country and in the middle east. we basically got into an argument, and i said i believe that joining the military, even with pure intentions of helping people who are wounded, right now upholds values and practices of violence committed by the government and people in the military both at home and abroad. i also said he does not need to join the military to be a nurse on the field, he can join a non profit/ngo. he said he isn’t joining to be a soldier, and just because he joins it doesn’t mean he agrees with every single action the government/military makes.

i told him it’s basically the same as becoming a cop, and he said it’s not because cops don’t have a medical division (except they do and i found a page about the chief of surgeons, but he said “all he does is paperwork, he’s not in the field”). we both agree about cops (he’s black, i’m indian) so idk why he can’t seem to apply the same logic on a global scale with the military? and i know there are better ways for me to form my argument instead of just saying “military bad, wars bad bc i said so”. how can i address these arguments without being backed into logical corners?