u/Rough-Coach-6205

okay, so theyre pretty awful and just raw, unfiltered, stream of consciousness, but:

theres brown trees, theres a big old cow and its floating in space, nobody has a face, and idk what im saying, theres this giant squid and jt has very long tentacles, ill never marry cause im not what people want, im not what anyone wants, ill never kiss and ill never have kids because what am i without what i pretend i am, im not here, im not there, im not anywhere, im just here, theres a space, and its very big and im scared, i am, i can die and no one would care, i can say lots of things like, fish, turtle, cow, i dont feel im human i dont feel im anything, theres this big old tree and it doesn't have a name, no one named it, i will die before my first kiss

So like, I have the feelings of having a crush on someone, but it's not for anyone in particular? It's like I really liked someone romantically but all of the sudden that persons entire existence disappeared, as if they never existed, and now I'm just left with the feelings? Idk. I can like push those feelings onto anyone I want as well. Like if I wanna like someone, I can simply decide to like them, to connect those feelings with that person, since those feelings aren't attached to anyone currently.

I'm also very depressed and rarely sleep and all sorts of stuff that I can't say here since it goes against the rules.

Also another semi-related thing. I have like, weird control over my empathy?? Like, I can decide whether Im empathetic towards something or not and I have complete control. If I decide to feel empathetic towards it, I genuinely do feel it. If I decide not to feel it, I genuinely just dont. I can do something people would say only psychopaths do and not feel an ounce of sadness if I choose not too. But if I do choose too, I feel so so so so so bad and so genuinely distraught. Basically I can choose whether I find extreme pleasure in hurting people, or absolute sadness. And I have complete control and can simply decide one or the other and can change it at any moment.

I used to also always 24/7 create fake scenarios in my head of me being extremely violent towards others. I enjoyed them a lot. I do still enjoy them a lot. I find so much pleasure in watching extremely gory movies, to the point it makes me holding back strong laughter.

That's calmed down a bit recently though.

Im a nihilist too and have a strong hatred towards society and most people.

Is this normal? What is this? Am I a freak? I always was an outcast but, what's wrong with me?

So like, I have the feelings of having a crush on someone, but it's not for anyone in particular? It's like I really liked someone romantically but all of the sudden that persons entire existence disappeared, as if they never existed, and now I'm just left with the feelings? Idk. I can like push those feelings onto anyone I want as well. Like if I wanna like someone, I can simply decide to like them, to connect those feelings with that person, since those feelings aren't attached to anyone currently.

I'm also very depressed and rarely sleep and all sorts of stuff that I can't say here since it goes against the rules.

Also another semi-related thing. I have like, weird control over my empathy?? Like, I can decide whether Im empathetic towards something or not and I have complete control. If I decide to feel empathetic towards it, I genuinely do feel it. If I decide not to feel it, I genuinely just dont. I can do something people would say only psychopaths do and not feel an ounce of sadness if I choose not too. But if I do choose too, I feel so so so so so bad and so genuinely distraught. Basically I can choose whether I find extreme pleasure in hurting people, or absolute sadness. And I have complete control and can simply decide one or the other and can change it at any moment.

I used to also always 24/7 create fake scenarios in my head of me being extremely violent towards others. I enjoyed them a lot. I do still enjoy them a lot. I find so much pleasure in watching extremely gory movies, to the point it makes me holding back strong laughter.

That's calmed down a bit recently though.

Im a nihilist too and have a strong hatred towards society and most people.

Is this normal? What is this? Am I a freak? I always was an outcast but, what's wrong with me?