u/RyukXit451

So, me(18) and vivi(20) met in 2019, we have always been bestfriends, or rather siblings like relation. We genuinely loved each other like blood. She always guided me through my tough times like an elder sister, and vice versa, I did too.

But our friendship was always pretty toxic. She was avoidant, used to push me away for months, then we talked for few weeks & she used to leave afterwards. And the cycle continued for years. We could only talk wherever she wished, and ceased as per her mood.

I was tired of this, and decided to change myself because it was suffocating.

Then we stopped talking (she ghosted me). Then comes my birthday. She missed the date and wished me on wrong day, I'm pursuing psychology major, so I knew she was plotting something(the whole wish seemed fake. She clarified herself first, did a shallow hbd thing etc.)

To which, i replied, "stop texting me" because I was hurt.

Then, after a whole month, I talked to a mutual friend, and he needed help with the medical field, so I gave him vivi's contact, so she could help him.

Well, vivi ranted to him saying i badmouthed her. Then I felt guilty because that mutual friend said "you shouldn't talk shit to people you care about dude"

And then, I texted vivi. I apologised for my mistakes, saying that she doesn't have to forgive me, but she talked shit about my apology saying that I always apologise repeatedly (the thing is, I'm insanely afraid of losing my sister, so i used to apologise for every little mistake. Mind you, in these 7 years of friendship, she has only apologised once)

She was humiliating me a lot, but I felt tolerant because deep down in my psyche, I knew she was hurt because of me. So i felt she was doing right.

Then, next day. She took screenshots of our conversation, to which i confronted her.

But here's the catch, I drank alcohol the night before, and I was going through a hangover.

Me & her fought over our past deeds. She talked trash about things I did, i talked trash too.

Then, she talked bad about my mother. But I didn't react, but felt anger. I said, "you're projection

Then she kept boasting how much better she is from everyone. To which i said, then why do you project your hatred on others, and she said "I'm not black, muslim, low caste, dumb, ugly, academically illiterate, I have good voice good face good personality good figure. So why shouldn't I hate others?"

And I replied to her "that's why you're miserable and unlovable"

And she said "my brother loves me, my mother loves me. Look at you, your own parents love you. Awwww how sad"

Then I said "if she loved you, wouldn't have abused you like animals" i talked about the abusive behavior of her mother, and she used to beat her during her childhood.

Then she talked about my mother again, a little disgusting.

To which, in hangover anger, I did something i should never have.

I talked shit about her dad, who is no more. And some really bad taunts(like, she's the one who consumed him. He was fed up of her.) to the point, it could make anyone go crazy.

And the thing is, i was the first person she told anyone about her dad.

And idk how can I redeem myself now. I really want my sister back.

I've been drinking & smoking whole day now, as if my actual sister d!ed.

And honestly, after my mother, she was the person i loved the most.

Please. Someone, give guidance or insights. Please don't ignore.

So, me(18) and vivi(20) met in 2019, we have always been bestfriends, or rather siblings like relation. We genuinely loved each other like blood. She always guided me through my tough times like an elder sister, and vice versa, I did too.

But our friendship was always pretty toxic. She was avoidant, used to push me away for months, then we talked for few weeks & she used to leave afterwards. And the cycle continued for years. We could only talk wherever she wished, and ceased as per her mood.

I was tired of this, and decided to change myself because it was suffocating.

Then we stopped talking (she ghosted me). Then comes my birthday. She missed the date and wished me on wrong day, I'm pursuing psychology major, so I knew she was plotting something(the whole wish seemed fake. She clarified herself first, did a shallow hbd thing etc.)

To which, i replied, "stop texting me" because I was hurt.

Then, after a whole month, I talked to a mutual friend, and he needed help with the medical field, so I gave him vivi's contact, so she could help him.

Well, vivi ranted to him saying i badmouthed her. Then I felt guilty because that mutual friend said "you shouldn't talk shit to people you care about dude"

And then, I texted vivi. I apologised for my mistakes, saying that she doesn't have to forgive me, but she talked shit about my apology saying that I always apologise repeatedly (the thing is, I'm insanely afraid of losing my sister, so i used to apologise for every little mistake. Mind you, in these 7 years of friendship, she has only apologised once)

She was humiliating me a lot, but I felt tolerant because deep down in my psyche, I knew she was hurt because of me. So i felt she was doing right.

Then, next day. She took screenshots of our conversation, to which i confronted her.

But here's the catch, I drank alcohol the night before, and I was going through a hangover.

Me & her fought over our past deeds. She talked trash about things I did, i talked trash too.

Then, she talked bad about my mother. But I didn't react, but felt anger. I said, "you're projection

Then she kept boasting how much better she is from everyone. To which i said, then why do you project your hatred on others, and she said "I'm not black, muslim, low caste, dumb, ugly, academically illiterate, I have good voice good face good personality good figure. So why shouldn't I hate others?"

And I replied to her "that's why you're miserable and unlovable"

And she said "my brother loves me, my mother loves me. Look at you, your own parents love you. Awwww how sad"

Then I said "if she loved you, wouldn't have abused you like animals" i talked about the abusive behavior of her mother, and she used to beat her during her childhood.

Then she talked about my mother again, a little disgusting.

To which, in hangover anger, I did something i should never have.

I talked shit about her dad, who is no more. And some really bad taunts(like, she's the one who consumed him. He was fed up of her.) to the point, it could make anyone go crazy.

And the thing is, i was the first person she told anyone about her dad.

And idk how can I redeem myself now. I really want my sister back.

I've been drinking & smoking whole day now, as if my actual sister d!ed.

And honestly, after my mother, she was the person i loved the most.

Please. Someone, give guidance or insights. Please don't ignore.

So, me(18) and vivi(20) met in 2019, we have always been bestfriends, or rather siblings like relation. We genuinely loved each other like blood. She always guided me through my tough times like an elder sister, and vice versa, I did too.

But our friendship was always pretty toxic. She was avoidant, used to push me away for months, then we talked for few weeks & she used to leave afterwards. And the cycle continued for years. We could only talk wherever she wished, and ceased as per her mood.

I was tired of this, and decided to change myself because it was suffocating.

Then we stopped talking (she ghosted me). Then comes my birthday. She missed the date and wished me on wrong day, I'm pursuing psychology major, so I knew she was plotting something(the whole wish seemed fake. She clarified herself first, did a shallow hbd thing etc.)

To which, i replied, "stop texting me" because I was hurt.

Then, after a whole month, I talked to a mutual friend, and he needed help with the medical field, so I gave him vivi's contact, so she could help him.

Well, vivi ranted to him saying i badmouthed her. Then I felt guilty because that mutual friend said "you shouldn't talk shit to people you care about dude"

And then, I texted vivi. I apologised for my mistakes, saying that she doesn't have to forgive me, but she talked shit about my apology saying that I always apologise repeatedly (the thing is, I'm insanely afraid of losing my sister, so i used to apologise for every little mistake. Mind you, in these 7 years of friendship, she has only apologised once)

She was humiliating me a lot, but I felt tolerant because deep down in my psyche, I knew she was hurt because of me. So i felt she was doing right.

Then, next day. She took screenshots of our conversation, to which i confronted her.

But here's the catch, I drank alcohol the night before, and I was going through a hangover.

Me & her fought over our past deeds. She talked trash about things I did, i talked trash too.

Then, she talked bad about my mother. But I didn't react, but felt anger. I said, "you're projection

Then she kept boasting how much better she is from everyone. To which i said, then why do you project your hatred on others, and she said "I'm not black, muslim, low caste, dumb, ugly, academically illiterate, I have good voice good face good personality good figure. So why shouldn't I hate others?"

And I replied to her "that's why you're miserable and unlovable"

And she said "my brother loves me, my mother loves me. Look at you, your own parents love you. Awwww how sad"

Then I said "if she loved you, wouldn't have abused you like animals" i talked about the abusive behavior of her mother, and she used to beat her during her childhood.

Then she talked about my mother again, a little disgusting.

To which, in hangover anger, I did something i should never have.

I talked shit about her dad, who is no more. And some really bad taunts(like, she's the one who consumed him. He was fed up of her.) to the point, it could make anyone go crazy.

And the thing is, i was the first person she told anyone about her dad.

And idk how can I redeem myself now. I really want my sister back.

I've been drinking & smoking whole day now, as if my actual sister d!ed.

And honestly, after my mother, she was the person i loved the most.

Please. Someone, give guidance or insights. Please don't ignore.

So i live in a rural area, the financial situation of my family is pretty messed up right now so i always wanted to seek a good government college.

But my family is pretty regressed. They think the universities in other cities & in my village are the same, they hold the same value. I tried convincing them but nahhh.

Idk what am I supposed to do now. A bcom degree from a tier 4 college is useless. The exposure is minimal, and placement? Almost never.

I want to do CA but I'm a little bit mentally unstable so it's really tough for me. I don't think it's for me.

Idk anything about government jobs scene atp. Are they worth it? If so, could I easily land a job that gives 30k-40k for fresher? I don't have big dreams, just wanna uplift our financial situation a bit.

myquals 90% in 10th. 86.20% in 12th.