Feeling inadequate at work, my position is at risk, it's the only thing I thought I could do, next career step is unknown
I started working at the YMCA in childwatch. Other than talking with parents, checking kids in, etc, I thought it was pretty "easy," in that my background and biography fit, and when my mental health declined at work the only noticeable thing is often that I get quiet and try to do one-on-one with a child or occupy myself by cleaning or something.
But there are things that I was always too dissociated to actually learn. I've been trained on things but I just can't quite do everything. I act like I got employed weeks ago, not nearly 6 months ago. Worse yet, I keep making small but seemingly "careless," mistakes. Not a ton, but just enough for other employees to look at me weird, talk behind my back, and a few of them even seem to dislike me. A graduating high school student basically said she missed Honor's yesterday because "she didn't feel comfortable leaving me with the other worker," which is not even true and extremely hurtful... But I can't guarantee she won't open her mouth and put my position at risk either.
I haven't yet:
- Called a parent to come get their kid when they screamed for an elongated period of time
- Fully learned how to search kid's names on the computer (dyslexia doesn't help either guys 🙃)
- Learned how to use the company walkie-talkie (haven't done a radio check like I'm supposed to yet)
- Haven't learned how to use the company "social media" site yet either (???) I'm too confused by it.
I scored a 220 on the Cambridge depersonalization assessment, and I'm some level of dissociated 100% of the time- during the day, night, sleep, etc. Always dissociated. Always. No breaks, not one ever in the last probably 8 years or so (started dissociating when I was 12, it would come and go for a few years, but it's like, "permanently stuck," for years.)
I think my next steps are to speak with a psychiatrist and get diagnosed, see if there's a way I can convince them to order a qEEG, and then pursue more medical treatment options?
But in the meantime... I feel inadequate at work and stuff keeps getting worse, my relationship with my coworkers keeps tanking and idk if it's time to tell them my situation or what (not that it'd matter, they'd care, or I'd find sympathy, and I certainly don't want to be pitied and seen as less than by them).
I also wonder if maybe I actually just shouldn't work there anymore. Maybe I am a danger to myself or others, Idk anymore and I'm feeling pretty stuck. I don't think there's a career out there for me guys. I think I've hit the end of the road career-wise. Am I sh!t out of luck? Do I need to get an official diagnosis and then try for disability and see what happens in a few years?
The problem is that it would be significantly more difficult on disability to find friends and have a social life, or to potentially seek a real relationship.
I'll end it here bc I don't want this to get too lengthy, but anyone's insight is appreciated. I'm sick of feeling so absolutely inadequate and disliked by everyone, and I'm fairly certain I'm just completely inadequate at this point. Maybe there's hope for a future or smth idk. All I know is that I desperately need money and stable income as a 23 yr old. My IQ is 111 and I'm pretty capable when I'm not dissociated, but unfortunately that's all the time anymore. It lowers my cognitive function enough to be problematic sometimes.