u/Salt_Conference_7184

Recently, I've been trying meditation to relax my heart and body. It's not that my heart rate was higher before, but my heart just feels more comfortable. I realized that for the past few years, my body and heart have been very tense. I couldn't even notice it because I've got used to it.

For the past six years, I've found it difficult to communicate with people, but after consciously relaxing, I find I can understand the unspoken meaning in the air and know how to respond to others. It feels just like when I was normal before.

But this defense mechanism (I call it) also has its advantages; it allows me to endure many things that others find difficult. For example, I can walk an hour to the gym every day, work out for two hours, and then come back, or I can travel alone to an unfamiliar place for several weeks. I find these things completely normal and easy. However, if I consciously relax, although I might be more socially functionable, I also feel very hard to go to the gym or go to unfamiliar places. Even walking becomes hard.

Was my previous state dissociation? I feel like I was unconsciously ignoring my body's feelings before.

I used to play this game like 10 years ago before I had mental problem. I gave it up 5 years ago. It’s a moba game. When I played it recently, I feel less stressed to chat in the game than irl.
But it is kinda addictive and ofc hurtful to eyes.
I don’t know if I should try it again. Any advice?

I only can rant here because I just had an severe fight with my parents.

Basically, my mom stole my swim underwear in my room. She sneaked into my room and stole it and used it, absolutely fucking gross. And she lied about everything and being very aggressive although she's the only one who swam recently. She was shouting so loud and cursing lying. And I also talked back.I did some threatening things. Now I feel my relationship with her is irreversible. I mean it's over. I never called her mom . But now it's totally over publicly.

I tried to talk with my dad and rant. But he's actually dumb( I mean he's literally very dumb, he was scammed a crazy amount money and risking his life doing a crime and eating some poison shit and thought it was the magic medicine) and on my Mom's side. He only said how fucking bad I am to focus on this little thing. I feel I've never ever got any privacy and any respect although I'm an adult. My mom publicly humiliate me many many times, beats me, curses me abuses me and caused my trauma. She herself is definitely a psycho. My dad is also an asshole. Basically doing any bad things you could imagine.

My life is actually destroyed by my family. I used to be a very extrovert boy. But my mom abused me drastically and my dad was doing nothing. She sent me to a very strict school and gave me the minimum money to live. So I was isolated in class by others. Being a creep, weirdo and absolutely no friends for the entire middle high school. I got trauma by both school and family.

She entangled me in streets for like 30 minutes in street. A lot of ppl walked by and saw it. I got rescued until my dad came when I was only like 8 years old. It's just one of hundreds of abusive things she had done to me.

I was planned to go out with my friend tomorrow and my mood is so destroyed. I don't know what to do now. My relationship is completely cut off with my parents. (Meaning I may be kicked out of this house and get no money to go to university.)

I was planned to leave this country and go to a cheap country to study years ago. And now seems the chance is very low. FUCKK. OH MY GOD Why is my life so fucking miserable. Literally like the most fucking unlucky character in the book. When I went to my friend's house, shocked by how crazy peaceful and happy to just live in a safe not messy place.

MY FUCKING LIFE IS GONNA BE RUINED.

I may not be able to make you feel something. But it is very very severe and serious. I don't know what to do now. I just want some good comments and advice.

I found my tongue in the middle of the mouth and teeth not touching when I wake up. I am using mouth tape already. Is it because my tongue muscle is too weak?

I went to the hospital with my Shiba, I’m so anxious waiting outside, don’t know what to do what to say. The Shiba is more welcomed than me. The doctor asked me in,asked some questions and I have to get up my low energy and my voice to just talk with him. I wanted to ask how much is it but i was afraid to. And he left without a word. Oh wtf should I even do now. I just stood like an obedient sheep. I should ask what’s going on but I was afraid to. After ten minutes, he came back and said the price is very high. Her ears got inflammation probably because of her paws. I asked what about cutting her nails. He didn’t answer like he didn’t hear it. Yeah like always it’s just so mtfk hard to communicate. And another doctor came in and now I had to use my low energy to increase the volume more in order to have a normal conversation. It finally worked but still is an awkward talking. My dad came to pick me up, and he had a perfect conversation with the doctor as easily as breathing. Oh yeah, am I subhuman?
I came to my home and a delivering guy saw my Shiba and took pics of her. I said she won’t bite. And suddenly I saw his face turned like thunder as if I’m such an obnoxious.
I can function so well without people. I do hikes, meditation. I do workout . I do well academically too. But my social is a 0 out of 10. Feeling like God set this mode for me, letting others hate whatever I say.

I'm about to go to university in China. I have avpd for 5,6 years and a toxic parents and school environment. There're 3 paths in front of me:

1. one gap year. it's low-pressure but I have to stay with my toxic parents

2.go to chinese university, which is easy to graduate, but will not change the situation

3.go to german university or vocational education. I've been to germany once and the society is much better than china. It's a definitely hard path but I can get rid of my parents financially and physically. And changing a new environment may help cope with avpd

it's really a hard choice for me. so i would like to hear some advice

no ghosting

My attention always think of grabbing phone when I’m bored. What to do when getting bored to make my attention calm down? Except meditation.

Having avpd be like, being a lonely soul in the universe, cannot resonate with any other souls. I cannot communicate with others on the same frequency. I can feel others don’t get what I said and I don’t get what they wanna say. I can’t chitchat as others do as easily as breathing. My mind walking on the street is like why this man stares at me for two seconds, what would these girls think of me. I have to keep telling my mind Yo chill don’t think that. But when I wanna say something, my mind will interrupt Yo chill you don’t wanna say that. So saying anything for me is unnatural. Before I got avpd, i know what is natural,appropriate to say. But now I feel I’m always saying inappropriate things. Having bad conversations makes me frustrated. And this low energy vibe makes it even harder to have a good conversation. How can I find back my communication ability?

My mind always flow a lot of negativity and my attention is fell in it. How to make my mind think more of positivity? How to get the positive information input?

I am constantly defensive to everyone. When I am surrounded by people, my anxiety mode showed up. It makes me overthink oh everyone is being mean to me. Everyone is so fucking shitty.
Even if I’m staying alone, rumination of the former things will keep coming up from my mind. I can constantly think of one friend ghosting me for 80 times for a year.
I just can’t calm down. My mind is always on defensive mode. It’s driving me crazy.

I came across that bcz I was doing meditation. It asked me to remember the last time when I felt happy. I was thinking damn that’s so hard. I need to remember one year or two years ago.

I’m not native English speaker so I don’t know I refer it right. What I mean is the sense of your public character. I used to have a strong sense of my character, being a quiet son in front of family, being a funny guy in the school. I did everything in line with my character. But after having avpd, I didn’t find my place in a group, I don’t know what I supposed to act. Does it relate?

It’s hard for me to have a friend. But if I managed to develop some close friendships, they’ll all suddenly end with no reason. Like it was all good, they even invited me to their houses, but all of a sudden, their attitude shifts so fast. They don’t want to talk to me. I’m not even doing anything crazy annoying. And I am genuinely confused.
I can’t even control a friendship. Some people were being nice. Some people were being cold to me. I don’t know why. When I consider one as trusted, they’ll shift attitude so quickly. It happens all the time that I have to question myself if it’s my problem. Is it common in avpd?

There are 45 ppl in my class. I have never talked more than 2 sentences with most girls in 3 years.
For the boys, not more than some awkward small talks. The only thing to do is focusing on breathing to not be anxious in the group.
We are still strangers even being together for 3 years. That’s bizarre. The only chat with my classmates online is every year a “happy new year”

That you subconsciously keep imagining yourself in a previous or imaginary social situation and think how to respond.