u/SaltyPuppers

What are your thoughts?

Should the addition of a partner enrich an experience? Or is neutral companionship enough??

Independence isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I wonder how much or how little a partner should enrich my life. I always liked the idea of growing/challenging one another but it feels like most partnerships I've been in are stagnant in this way...

Thoughts?¿

Hello Folks!

I am just coming here seeking some advice on how to do this self work / growth. I am not much of the dating type, I really don't enjoy it much at all! I find it very stressful / high stakes and all around an emotional ride. But, I do desire a life partner, so alas. I persist.

But mainly I am here to ask for advice regarding trust. I was in a six year committed mono relationship, in the end I was cheated on. That situation was one where I 'KNEW' but was waiting for the truth to come out. That loss hurt, a fuck ton. But, this most recent loss (also cheating) was even worse. I was only with this partner for a year and a half, but I loved the FUCK out of them. They cheated on me, sexting a crush they'd known a month in another state. I called out the emotional cheating and they couldn't sit with the grief. They asked me to break up with them THAT day, hours later.

In the back of my head I know I dodged a bullet, but I am still hurting, badly.

I trusted this person. They said all the right things. Did mostly the right things, and I truly felt supported for one of the first times in my life. In retrospect it feels like lovebombing and manipulation, but it doesn't really make sense. I am still feeling horribly confused.

What I mean to ask is, how the heck do you trust folks? How do you know that what they are saying IS the truth? How do you sus out who is worth giving your time / effort / love to? I'm super busy, and honestly, I don't want to waste more time on folks who aren't as invested in me as I am in them.

Help.

I desperately need some more queer / neurodivergent community in my life. I am feeling dragged down by autism/adhd. Looking for sober, easy going spaces and events.

I just feel so lost.

Y'all called it! That was a flaming ship, rapidly sinking. I did a ton of work this past week and learned a massive amount about myself and my relationships in the process. After holding my ex accountable for emotionally cheating (crushing/sexting someone w/o my knowledge or consent) he insisted I must break up with him and that I deserve better.

You know what I do deserve better. And I want to do better too.

How do you all spot red flags in potential partners cause man this person said every sweet heartwarming thing i could possibly think of and it went to shit!

I'm looking back feeling like I got lovebombed. Do people do that shit on purpose??? I just... this isn't the first relationship I've been cheated on while poly. How can I suss out honest people versus performative ones?

I am feeling so... dejected and frustrated with being ace (as I feel this keeps fucking me over).

Idk just seeking support, a hug, anything.

It feels impossible to find another aro/ace queer partner. :(

Hi All!

I posted four days ago on here, and found out one week and a day ago that my partner was not feeling wholly fulfilled and wanted to pursue polyam to fill other cups. It has been a very challenging last week. Lots of tough convos. Tears. Healing. The relationship was opened over a recent crush he'd formed online, after he figured out that he could NO LONGER ignore his polyam identity. He has known he was polyam for over ten years and has played with it from time to time, but he doesn't have much experience and hasn't been able to explore. I am thankful they feel safe to explore with me, however I am not feeling very... heard and this is feeling a bit 'at my expense'.

The person he is interested in is thankfully queer/polyam too. However, I am not feeling great about the fact she is not 'putting the brakes' on him at all. I don't know what she is or isn't saying, but I can't imagine not saying anything while someone uproots and established relationship. I am pleading with him too slow down and he wants me to hash stuff out SO QUICKLY. I have had one week to think, learn, talk with all you wonderful folks and combat my own trauma. One week.

This morning I got a message that "Okay, things are getting more serious and the mutual interest is there. How far can I go?"

Just this past Saturday, two days ago, they made mention of their crush coming up for a visit at their place. I mentioned and replied that I was not comfortable with that and would prefer that they go visit their crush in THEIR home state. We haven't even chatted about dwelling matters - like bed sharing / space sharing etc. Well, its a week later, and there is more discussions about visits up here, despite me saying "I'm not comfy with that right now." It has become a NOW issue, so I can't help but to worry they are planning anyways.

I am planning on messaging his crush to see what's up and if we can come up with some kind of game plan. I am NOT comfortable with this. But I do not know what else to do. I feel like my partner feels like I'm the 'bad guy'. I am sending them my reddit threads so they can see the 'work' I've put in as well as the feedback I've received about the situation. But I basically am getting "I really like this person and I don't know how to temper my feelings". Like I am signing up for a lifetime of work, but you can't keep your crush at bay for a week while we do this? They insist we aren't changing, but I feel so decentered.

How long do you all work on foundational work before opening your relationships? I have seen six months commonly listed, but don't feel it is a valid ask considering the fact my partner has an active crush. But I also find it unfair that I am not being given the time to process either... I am offering a lifetime of work, and wanted to ask for six months, but how do I even do that?

This is not my first time trying poly with someone, but my last time was REAL bad so on top of it being BIG news, its HARD news. I just found some resolve yesterday after talking with y'all and close friends (also poly). I feel like I've been blindsided again, one day before I leave for a work trip. One or two days after they said "Nothing big is going to change on your work trip, so don't worry."

Well, here I am.

"im not pushing for more, im just trying to figure out where your cut off on a relationship developing between us is. like at what point is it too much for you? at what point do you decide this maybe isnt gonna work? im sorry that it took me so long to figure out i needed more and talk to you about it, but my being poly is nothing new, and its not something i can really help when i develop feelings for someone, or how fast those feelings become something more concrete and serious than what it was before. if theres a spark, that spark is only gonna grow the more we get to know each other over time. the want and desire isnt going to go away. but i dont know what youre wanting it to look like, how much control over what im doing you expect to have/be given. i dont know what you think is healthy vs what i think is healthy or not."

Help. Please. T-T

EDIT : NOT MESSAGING CRUSH. Let partner know that I would not be messaging her either - even though partner messaged her and got the okay from her! I just let them know that it was an inappropriate idea.

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

Hello!

I'm not even sure where to start, but I'm at a loss. I'm going to give the abbreviated tale as best I can.

My partner of a year (queer trans lesbian) and some change has recently come out to ask to open our relationship. I knew they were poly when we got together. When we had first gotten together they insisted they were only interested in me, and me alone.

Fast forward a year of minimal intimacy (I'm ace and hella traumatized) and they're of course struggling with not having those needs met. In light of this, and knowing it may well take years to unpack my trauma they have asked to open the relationship up. They have known they were poly for over ten years now, but have seldom had the chance to pursue it. On one hand I'm thankful they are comfy to be vulnerable with me and on the other had im scared shitless.

I was in a mono poly hinge before- but my ex was just shopping around. The lack of sex was a huge aspect of us opening the relationship back then. In the beginning I had very fresh eyes for poly, though I didn't desire it for myself it seemed a logical step to allow my partners to have all of their needs fulfilled (especially the sorts I struggled with). In fact when I first got together with my ex I pleaded with them to give poly a try!

Needless to say after being dragged through the mud in a very NOT ethical non monogamy situation where I was doing all the work the relationship blew up. My ex cheated while we were actively pursuing poly. My trust was shattered. A six year relationship was over, and I had to begin life again. My feelings for poly are clearly damaged.

Now fast forward to my current partner, who came along when I wasn't even looking. We fell hard and fast, everything seemed so perfect. I really have such few complaints about them as a partner (they're seriously so wonderful and good to me) but this polyam stuff is so tough.

When they brought it up my knee jerk reaction was to break up, and we almost did. We had a massive, messy ass fight. A week later and a lot of negotiations and I'm feeling a little better. But I worry I'm just burying my worries or being complacent / dependent. If i think about whats to come I start to spiral. If we're apart I panic.

We literally just spent the whole evening together had some more good talks and even fucked around a lil. I woke up feeling good. But in passing it came up about talking about the poly situation with our families and I just feel sick all over again.

I've opened up about rsd with my partner, something they experience too. I am hoping it ll help but I'm having a really hard time fighting with my brain. Every moment of silence feels like a punishment. I am scared I'll just be replaced even though they're saying all the right things, I'm still terrified. I know they aren't looking for a replacement, they're just looking for more human connection but as a person who guards connection so closely it is very hard for me to understand.

I think I'm mono. But i also have a qpp which feels poly? I don't know if I have any desire to date anyone else (i hate dating tbh). Like if someone came along, sure. But I high key doubt I'm gonna find another person who fills my cup like that. So I can't help but to feel onesided. I want my partner to be happy and to live their life to the fullest! I just feel like they fall in love with every human they meet (which is beautiful) but really makes it hard for me to feel special.

I don't feel like I can say no to them exploring, it's important to them and as they said it "life is too short" and they "have so much love to give". I get it. I do. But I can't decide what makes me any different than any other partner.

We're still dreaming. Still making plans. We want to build life around one another but I worry I'm setting myself up for failure. I didn't expect my partner to get a crush on an online friend he's known a month. It hurts that someone so new is enough to throw a wrench into things- even though it was inevitable. Part of me wished I could just be enough (and I know this is flawed thinking).

I just... am feeling a lot of shame as a queer, autistic, ace person whose been burned before. They are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want to throw in the towel but if this is destined to fail (as most reddit threads insist) am I better off dipping now???

Idk. I just feel sick.

I have a lot going on in my life and this change comes at a very dificult time.

I'm also so hesitant to uproot my life with my qpp, who I've lived with for three years now (though we don't make the best roomies, I love them very much and do worry about what affect moving in with my nesting partner may have!)

Seeking any and all advice, and just in general some neutral folks to talk to and confide in. Nearly all of my immediate friends are poly, but its hard to talk with them about it. :(

I've written out a massive document of self reflection / tools and ideas and am doing the work/ trying to process and be accessible to my partner but I'm floundering.

I am sickened at the thought of sharing them and I know its 'wrong'. People can't claim people. To be clear I am NOT against polyam at all, I just struggle to know if this is gonna work. My QPP of 14 years thinks this will be a good opportunity and may suit me well (and fill cups I need filled - my partner is a homebody and I am not!)...

But I just dunno. Im feeling unsure/insecure.