u/SatisfactionDry2710

I'm someone who has a very traumatic childhood background. Not many good things graced my life in contrast to all the negativity. As an amateur in learning about Taosim, it doesn't quite make sense to me where violence and trauma reside in it (are they yin or yang? both? neither?), and it troubles me to think that the existence of suffering and abusers are "necessary" or even good by way of creating contrast for peace to exist. It's rough trying to make sense of my experiences like this.

My current hypothesis is that due to the presence of all the traumatic energy, one must create a balance with some ratio of peaceful energy, and that is the only way that suffering becomes acceptable—by balancing it out with the opposing energy force. But when one energy force (suffering) is so large that it's very difficult to balance it well, what does Taoism see in that? How does something so intensely negative just become "acceptable", and is "good vs. bad/acceptable vs. unacceptable" even a part of the picture in the first place?

we're currently trying to heal this... mess in our brains. we were very organized a while ago, but re traumatization has opened up our system to absolutely *having* to heal without being able to repress anymore. the journey has been absolutely mind bogglingly exhausting—we no longer have hosts or clear cut alters, we only exist in our deepest layers now seeing over a hundred fragments a day trying desperately to become functional. we don't know that we can ever be organized, functional, or stable again—have any of your systems been able to achieve a semblance of it?

Edit to title, I misspoke: What is the purpose of living if people with "perfect" lives can be so unhappy?

My entire childhood is just one giant ball of various traumas, and I'm trying to find a reason to keep living despite the harrowing CPTSD. Originally, my goal was to heal my way into the life that society upholds (friends, fun hobbies, romance, mental and financial stability etc). It seemed to be the key as it's what everyone swears is the secret to happiness, but I realized that there are lots of people who don't like their lives even when they have it all, including not having major trauma. It doesn't seem like the key to success if people can have all that and still be so unhappy. It's also just really hard to push myself into a box that I've been irreversibly changed beyond being able to fit into.

So, if that sort of perfect life template isn't the point of living, then what is? Why should life be worth living despite so many bad things happening, and why isn't a "perfect" life necessarily worth living?

how do you cope with the feeling that it'll happen no matter what? no matter what i do, whether i act to protect myself or not, i'm equally as scared because i have this instinctive feeling that it'll happen anyway and i'll never be quite strong enough. back then, it really did happen no matter what. but now that things are different i can't find myself processing that. how do you personally cope with that?

they put me through so much and now i suffer lifelong challenges, just for them to turn around and be the good person they could have been all along.

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why couldn't they just have been that normal from the start? when they try to become better it just confirms to me that i *could* have had a normal life, i could've been happy without struggles like this, they're fully capable of treating me normally, but instead i suffer for no reason other than they decided to. their reformation means nothing to me other than i suffered for literally no reason, because it could have been normal from the start, and now i'm just expected to act normal around them, too. it makes it so much worse than if they were just a bad person inherently. but now i have nothing to explain why i had to suffer the way i did. it's the worst feeling in the world.

i'm 21 and have been trying to gain money to move out, i have nowhere else to go. i've been gaining my memories back for the past 2 years, but i still live with my abuser. he's "reformed" now, as in he pretends to be nice and caring (or maybe he's really trying to turn over a new leaf, but who cares), but just existing is so hard when everything makes me have a panic attack in fear that it'll all happen again somehow, even with resources and locks and weapons at hand. the memories won't stop coming back and i just don't know how to find any semblance of peace with myself because i still need to rely on him for both financial support and transportation. has anyone gone through something like this?

right now i already have my moving out plan, but in this economy it's just moving too slowly. i won't be out until next summer or even longer. i have no car, connections, family, etc. how can i cope in the now?

context: hey, pf here and trying to heal from long term csa trauma. many of our trauma holders hated that time and are comforted in knowing we're free now, but we have a group of trauma holder littles that believe the csa was "games." when we try to get them to realize that it was wrong and that it wasn't supposed to happen, they get extremely upset and reject the information, wanting to continue the "games" as it was the only safety they knew. it was the only time they were ever paid attention to and they don't know any other "safety" or attention, so it makes them very upset to think they have to go back to having nothing.

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tl;dr: to be clear, they are stuck in flashbacks and we are only trying to ground them so we can help them—there are no alters doing anything to them. but how do you help littles who don't want to be helped and how do you explain to littles that they were hurt in some of the worst ways possible? we're trying desperately to soften the blow and make our present life look more attractive, but it's just not working.

i got my first period at 9. it always reminds me of >!how i was introduced to sex way too young. it makes me feel like i was born to be forced to have sex from a young age, like this is my purpose, because my body matured so young.!< it feels like it validates my abuser's desires to be attracted to and violate me for that reason. it makes me feel disgusting and dirty and i can't stand getting my period every month, even though it's supposed to be a good thing.

there was no reason i was left neglected and unloved. there was no reason that people did horrible things to me. there was no reason that i was left without support for my entire life. it's only because i was born at the wrong place in the wrong time to the wrong people.

i find it much easier to believe that there must have been something wrong with me, because why did my life end up this way? you're telling me i'm completely acceptable but this happened anyway? you're telling me i'm deserving of love but still no one's coming for me? surely i must have done something to deserve this?

but no. it's nothing i could have fixed or avoided, nothing i could have changed about myself to be more deserving of care and safety. it happened just because. just because i wasn't as fortunate as i could have been. it makes finding peace and safety feel so much farther away, because there's nothing i could have fixed about myself to make myself more worthy of anything.

like for example in the headspace they may appear too tall for a child, or they might be a little too coherent and mature to resemble a child's mind, but they still have trouble with things such as consenting to various adult activities or emotional regulation and may identify more closely with a younger mental age.

if so, what really makes a little, "little?"

when i think about anyone who's lived a rough life, they're always in the stage where they're getting better but still struggling back and forth a lot. i've never met or talked to anyone who's gone through something like me, conquered the cptsd, and can enjoy their own life without big setbacks from it. does it ever get that stable, or is it just a constant up and down journey for the rest of your life?

a major part of my trauma that kept it haunting me is what i wasn't even aware of—that my trauma made me feel like i was unlovable, damaged, used goods that could never compete with "normal" people for love and attention. i was terrified of facing my trauma because i thought accepting it would make me even more unlovable, like being so damaged made me undesirable, like love and happiness would be even further out of reach for me. i felt that no one would want me because of how damaged i was.

realizing that i am lovable not in spite of, but *because* of my trauma and my real self under all the repression, was a breakthrough for me. it made me less fearful of my trauma and my flashbacks, because no matter what happens to me, i still deserve love and joy just for being me, just like everyone else. my trauma doesn't make me any less worthy of anything. i love me, i will always be here for me, and i'll give myself everything i deserve not in spite of, but *because* i am who i am, and because my past is what it is.

it makes us feel like an animal experiment in a lab. we don't have any of the same experiences that regular people do purely because we're a system. if we try to open up about just being a system at all, we're still pushed into a box of being made to mask as one person because everyone's either creeped out by us or thinks it's too convoluted to deal with. even with other systems, they tend to get freaked out because we're polyfragmented and experience a lot more intense systemhood than they do, and they shut down and give up on us. we can never just openly be ourselves, and can't find anyone even remotely like us, either. we can't feel close with anyone because no one is ever willing to know the *real* us, behind the facade of being one whole person. it's such an isolating experience and makes us feel like we're just a monster trapped in a human body. like, maybe we were never meant to be born human at all. every so often, when our thoughts slow and this is all we can think about, we deeply grieve the loss of what could have been a normal life with normal struggles, friends and family.

i try, and some days it's okay. but most days, the flashbacks are constant, even if i'm not seeing anything i'm physically feeling everything that happened to me all over again for most of the day. i can't find enjoyment in anything or anyone; i'm either too depressed or too scared. i try to ignore the thoughts, but without them, i have nothing. what's a will to live supposed to look like when all i can think about every day is everything i lost?

i want to face my fears so i can start doing the things i love again with the people i love again. but how do i tell if a feeling is a trigger that can be calmed or when something is genuine discomfort about something? like, what tells me i should push forward to overcome my fears and what tells me that i actually truly don't like a certain experience regardless of triggers, since these triggers will always be present?

i'm aware that when systems have a disorder that means the entire system has that disorder, and i'm pretty sure that the system can kind of concentrate the most disordered symptoms into one or more alters so that the rest are more functional (i see it happen with depression, anxiety, etc). can this be true with adhd symptoms, specifically forgetfulness and hyperactivity, or would that lean more towards just being personality traits?

if my life isn't going to get any easier and I'm essentially tainted forever, what's the point of living?

for all of my healing journey up until this month, i've been desperately trying to cure myself of all the effects of my trauma. i'm just realizing that it's really not going away and i kind of just have to live with this forever. what's the point of trying to enjoy life when enjoying anything that matters is so hard and triggering?

how long did you go before finding out it was all a lie?

i have a really, really hard time believing anything could have happened to me even though my entire being is screaming it at me, all because everything i do remember about my childhood implies a very mundane life (albeit the presence of neglect and emotional abuse). i just feel like i would remember at least events surrounding it or that i would have more tangible memories, but, all of my memories and flashbacks are emotional or somatic.