How do I stop? I know I’m faking I just know it. There’s no way someone just develops GD at 21. It‘s clearly just a lifestyle choice for me motivated by AGP and trauma. What do I do?
When I was 12 I wanted estrogen and prolactin for AGP reasons, I told myself how god did not give me everything by making me not a woman and how lucky women were to have the bodies they had. I also got giga brainwormed after seeing 📺s (invented AGP curls independently, thinking I would turn into a sissy if I trccned, etc.) but I fear all of this is because I had a bad pcrn addiction by that time and that childhood trauma made me want to feel desired but I genuinely can’t tell. Afterwards, I realized it was impossible to get HRT without parental consent and that it was hopeless and that it was all caused by AGP (I invented the idea of AGP for myself at the time without knowing). I then continued for the next 9 years thinking that hitting the gym and getting a girlfriend would fix me and that I’m just a man with AGP. I would not break or get dysphoria as I went on but I had desires to become a woman and to feminize. Then I told someone I wanted to become a woman outside a sexual context and they told me I’m trans. I refused to believe it at first but then I had the realization there was nothing wrong with being trans and I had a bunch of memories flood back. Thing is tho I only got dysphoria after realizing it was a requirement so I think I’m just an ROGD AGP man. I’m probably missing some details but yeah, I’m not sure whether these desires are caused by unaddressed trauma, AGP or because I genuinely want to be a woman.
My dysphoria isn’t real and is caused by a multitude of factors.
I think I was just looking for an escape from everything and myself. I’ve always had self loathing feelings about myself and I think I saw transition as a solution for that. My actual AGP also played a real role and I thought that because I had a “female sexuality” that I must be a woman on the inside. That and I was really envious of women and really wanted to be friends with women but I couldn’t in my male form. I also found a loving and supportive community quickly and I am very lucky to have them but I am tired of pretending of thinking I’m like them.
I never really fantasized being a woman that much when I was younger apart from actual AGP, I just kinda got ROGD at 21. I did have a few moments where I thought I should’ve been born a woman and that I would be happier as one but those feelings weren’t constant and didn’t really lead to any significant dysphoria until much later. I think I could be content with myself if I reframe my to be masculinization differently and try to accept it. It’s all caused by trauma anyways and I can’t really imagine a future without my family and the benefits and love they provide that I other wise can’t get and I’m exhausted of constantly questioning myself so I’m just going to take the plunge. I just can’t live as a trans woman, it’s not really enjoyable and the only reason why I want to be one is to avoid twink death but I think it’s what a lot of men go through and have to accept.
Theres also a bunch of other things like a possible personality disorder, OCD (which is diagnosed), internalized homophobia, me liking masculine roles, being a people pleaser, etc. that might’ve played a role in my detransition and transition but I’m going to try anyways since im like 90% sure I’m faketrans anyways.
And that most who do detransition end up having to consciously repress or eventually retransition? A famous example being Ray Alex Williams but I’ve also seen such people from first hand experience.
Most of the MtF detrans stories I hear are of the HSTS subtype or who‘s transition was caused by trauma. It’s not to say genuine AGP detransitioners aren’t real or don’t exist but I find that they’re way more rare.