u/Secretgirl_789

How do you stop replaying a dating situation in your head?
I recently had a situation with a guy I was seeing where I ignored a few things at first because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then his communication suddenly changed, plans got cancelled, and I eventually reacted emotionally.
I know I could’ve handled my reaction better, but I also know I wasn’t imagining the change in his behavior. Now I’m stuck regretting both my reaction and the things I tolerated beforehand.
For anyone with anxious attachment or who tends to overthink, how do you actually move past the regret and stop wondering what you could’ve done differently? I’m keeping myself busy, but mentally it’s still hard.

Thank you 🩷

Then came the part I’m not proud of. I checked his profile constantly. I counted his followers going up and down like it meant something. I posted, deleted, analyzed timestamps. I asked strangers online for reassurance and got 40 opinions that pulled me in every direction. I cried, I had a panic episode, and I ended the night more scared than when I started.

What I noticed: the checking never once calmed me. Every single time, it made it worse. And yet I kept doing it, because in the moment it felt like I was doing something.

I did have one good day where I didn’t check at all, and it was the calmest I’d felt all week. So I know it’s possible. I just don’t know how to make that the normal instead of the exception.

For those further along in becoming secure: what actually helped you break the checking habit? Not just ‘put the phone away’ but what did you do with the feeling underneath it, the panic that says you have to know. Thank for everyone that read my text and I really need support 🩷

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I recently realized that my issue might not just be anxious attachment — it might be fear in general.

I grew up in a very protective and strict household. My parents loved me, but a lot of my upbringing was based on fear: fear of making mistakes, fear of the outside world, fear of disappointing people, fear of getting hurt. Looking back, I realize that many of my decisions throughout life were driven by fear rather than confidence.

I struggle with things like fear of rejection, overthinking, anxiety about relationships, and constantly questioning myself. I also have dysphasia, which made expressing myself and trusting my own judgment even harder growing up.

Recently, I became interested in a guy. At first he initiated and after I was the one who initiated the conversation, and now we haven’t spoken in a couple of days. Part of me thinks that if someone is interested, they would make an effort too. Another part of me wonders if my anxious attachment and fear of rejection are making me overanalyze the situation.

The hardest realization is that this situation triggered something much deeper. It made me realize that underneath all the overthinking is a very simple feeling:

I just want to be loved.

Not just romantically, but genuinely loved, chosen, understood, and accepted.

At the same time, I’ve realized that I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fill that void externally instead of addressing the root cause. The more I reflect, the more I see that fear has shaped many areas of my life — relationships, driving, taking risks, trusting myself, and even pursuing some of my dreams.

For those who grew up in a fear-based environment or with overprotective parents, have you experienced something similar? How did you learn to trust yourself, become emotionally independent, and stop letting fear run your life?