u/SeniorPrinciple4946

One of my highest kins is 049. Cool. Great. One of my favourite characters from the SCP Foundation. But I swear I remember my time as him before I was taken into the Foundation. I remember the pain I was in. I remember stumbling through unrecognisable streets while people stared at me like I was fucking crazy. I don’t want to think about it but I can’t get that damned image out of my head.

I had a dream a long while ago that PERFECTLY matches up with this memory too. I couldn’t see myself. I was barely focused. Laughing. I don’t know at what. I think it turned into screaming and crying eventually, but I don’t know if it was me that was crying or someone else. People stared. They pointed. Glaring at me. I didn’t recognise where I was and I didn’t think I would’ve been able to even if I had looked up properly. A few people tried to catch me. Tried to get closer. But others held them back.

I couldn’t feel my face. Which I think was probably the most horrible part. Considering I remember that my mask was apart of my face. It wasn’t a mask. It was just me. And I couldn’t fucking feel it in that dream.

I still get phantom feelings sometimes. Today they’ve come and gone quite a lot. Like the mask is still there but it isn’t and I know it isn’t. I genuinely feel like crying over all of this. It’s overwhelming getting those really bad memories. It feels like hell. I hope I forget again eventually. But I don’t know if I can this time.

If my mother wasn’t strict and judgemental then I’d probably make a mask that’s similar to what I remember and what I feel. It would probably help. But I know I can’t while I’m still in the situation that I am. And that sucks so fucking badly. It just makes it all the more horrible and frustratingly exhausting.

I really wish I could forget that specific memory. Most of the other memories aren’t as bad. But this one: being stared at and laughed at and being stuck in a place that I didn’t recognise and feeling alone and in absolutely horrible pain. This one has gone too far. This just hurts. I don’t usually talk about the bad memories (I’ve made that pretty clear though) but this one I really felt like I couldn’t keep internalised. I just felt like dumping it out for once so I can hopefully move on and carry on as I am.

I’m sorry if this is all worded weirdly or if the grammar is off, my mind is in so many places at once and I’m writing this on the verge of crying so once again, I’m sorry if this all comes across weird or repetitive, that’s not my intention.

trigger warning for brief mentions of violent thoughts. None were acted upon.

Im a trans man. Specifically boyflux. My mother is transphobic. For the past week she has been trying to force me to wear dresses (buying me them, constantly saying ‘oh you should get this one, it’s so pretty’, etc.) and now it’s going too fucking far again. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. Last time ended in me, on one day that she was out, crying uncontrollably for nearly half an hour on the verge of a fucking breakdown.
The dress is pretty. Sure. It’s a nice blue colour that reminds me of Sophia from Lies of P (my main special interest) (this being the only good thing at all about any of this) and the fabric is really comfortable. But wearing it makes me feel genuinely so fucking sick and I can’t cope.

She brought it today. It looks nearly identical to the kind she wears often. It only made it so much worse. She keeps saying ‘but you can’t be comfortable in those trousers that you wear all the time, you must be so hot’. NO. FOR FUCKS SAKE, I KEEP TELLING HER THAT IM FINE! I WALKED IN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE HEAT THIS MORNING WHILE I WAS AT COLLEGE FOR THE VERY FIRST FUCKING TIME IN TROUSERS AND I WAS PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE

I can’t cope with this right now. I really can’t. Im already dealing with too fucking much. Even just trying to prepare for college. I can’t wear that damned dress. I just can’t. But she won’t stop and it makes me want to cry. I don’t understand why she can’t just accept me as her son. I’m not a girl. I’m NOT A FUCKING GIRL AND NEVER WILL BE

I wish I was born a boy. I wish I didn’t have to wear outfits that make me want to tear my skin off. I just want to be happy.

I know this sounds pathetic. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal. But holy fucking hell it is. It really is to me. I feel so sick. I can’t handle this. I hate this part of being trans sometimes. I wish I wasn’t born into a transphobic household.

Sherlock is probably the main kin that I have the most memories for. So far, luckily, not many of them have been bad. I will not be writing about the bad memories that I do have however as I don’t wish to repeat them (due to the majority of them making me feel severely physically nauseous.)

However, I’ll just write about one of the most recent memories that I had:

It was a fairly rainy day. Lestrade hadn’t come back with a new case yet, so of course, that pissed me off. So instead, I decided to play the violin instead. It was nice and all, annoyed the hell out of John—which was even funnier of course. Beyond that though, if anything else, it was nice for once not to have to bother with my brother annoying me (his typical methods were usually calling me out of absolutely fucking nowhere or showing up unannounced to the flat—his favourite method out of the two) or have the threat of Moriarty’s influence hanging over my head every second. Throughout the rest of the day, I played the violin and shot the wall at least once—much to the dismay of John, who did end up locking the gun in his room to stop me for the next day or two, I did find a way to unlock the cabinet regardless

It was a somewhat short, but definitely welcome memory. I like the majority of the memories I do get anyway. Sure, minus being bored as hell that day and having little to do in the way of solving any crime that was actually interesting, but other than that, I’ll admit that those quieter days were good. I have other memories from that same day, but I won’t bother writing out a major amount here (I simply don’t have the energy right now).

So yeah, that’s as much as I’ll write for now. I might post about another memory at some point, but for now, that was it 👍

Hello. I’m very sorry if this is the wrong flair however, as a result of my lack of consistent activity in this subreddit, I feel it is wrong to remain within it. I don’t want to upset anyone and hope to give others a chance to claim the kins that they want in this subreddit. It’s been lovely to post on here. I will be posting more often on the Fictionkin subreddit from now on.
So, of course, I’ll be declaiming the kins I have claimed on this subreddit (they are still my kins, though since I won’t be using this subreddit anymore, its okay that they’re taken off the list 👍
Thank you and goodbye 😊

Hello! This is my first post here and I’ve just got a question (which is of course in the title!): is there any existing xenogender relating to puppetry (but more specifically marionettes)? I feel as if my gender in some way aligns with puppets in at least some format however I didn’t want to attempt to coin a new gender if there was already an existing one along the lines of this. Thank you in advance and I’m sorry if this sounds a little scattered or anything, I’m not particularly great at wording posts (also, I have no intention on having this be in bad faith, I’m just curious as to whether there’s a term for this as of this moment!)

I’ve been drawing for eleven years (since I was 5) and I’m still so horrible at art it’s insane. I want to do graphic design at college. I want to do well. I love art and hate it at the same time. My art teacher treated me like shit. She was dismissive, rude and made me feel like a burden and it fucking hurts. I just want to love my artwork. And by that I mean my traditional and digital art. This sucks so badly. I jut don’t understand why I can’t be good at it. I know I have to practice, but I have. I’ve practiced for so fucking long and I’m tired. I’m not getting anywhere. I don’t know whether or not to quit. I got new drawing pens for my birthday a few days ago and it genuinely made me want to start crying, I nearly did.
This hurts so much. Nothing about my art is anatomically correct or visually appealing or anything. And no matter how much I try, how much I work, nothing fucking changes. It still looks the exact fucking same as it did last year and it makes me want to tear the pages out. But I can’t. Because every time I’m about to, i look at what I’ve drawn and I just cry instead. I wish I wasn’t so weak. I just want to do well.

Does it always stay like this? Will I ever get better? It’s not even like I’m comparing myself to others, I still practice and focus and all of that shit. As far as I’m aware I’m studying the right stuff. But I don’t know. It all sucks. Art has always been one of my biggest interests in life. I used to love it so much, no matter how bad I was. But now I’m questioning whether or not it’s even the right path in life for me. I might just quit entirely but I don’t know.

https://pronouns.cc/@.Er1n.

Genuinely, I hope this is isn’t too bad; it’s my first time making one 😅 I’ll also put the link in my bio anyway. Probably going to add to it over time but for now this is just about it.

Hello, my name is Erin (however I also go by the names of my kins Sherlock and Cesar). On that note, my two kins are Sherlock Holmes (source: BBC series) and Cesar Torres (source: The Mandela Catalogue). Also, my pronouns are he/they/it

I would prefer not to interact with doubles, however that might change in the future depending on how I feel. (I will update this in the comments if that boundary changes.)

I am interested in many things however I will not mention them all here (as that would take far too long and would likely take up an entire paragraph that I don’t feel would be necessary or relevant to mention here. My main interests when it comes to hobbies however are writing, reading, collecting trinkets and playing instruments (I have been learning how to play the guitar, though I wish to get into learning how to play the violin as well).

I’m not sure what else to put so I’ll leave it off here (if I think of anything else I’ll leave it in the comments). It’s nice to meet everyone and I’m looking forward to posting in this subreddit! (I’m mainly on the kin hideout subreddit, however due to exams I cannot post much at the moment 😅)

I miss John and Mycroft so fucking much to be honest. I wouldn’t usually admit that (if at all), but regardless, it’s the truth. I regret how I treated John. I should’ve never dismissed him or pushed him away, but of course I just let everything get in the way. Fucking typical. I wish I didn’t have to be so goddamn prideful.
I know i didn’t have the greatest relationship with Mycroft, but I don’t know. I still miss him. Which is probably the dumbest thing ever but oh well. I don’t really care anymore how it comes across, I’m just tired of this crap.
Ive been missing them, especially John, more than usual lately. Probably because stuff is just chaos in my life right now so it all just feels bleak without him. I hate that he’s not here. I just don’t know why I denied it so much. It feels weird being entirely alone. Stupid emotion, it’s ridiculous.
I hate this so much.