u/Shadowheart93

I will preface by saying I'm sorry for jumping around

So I'm AMAB, but I'm a closet crossdresser. It used to not be this way when I was 18 through 20, I would actually venture out in full gear (not sure what the term is) and it was euphoric in a non-sexual kind of way. I was crossdressing since I was 12 but as early as 6 I had an interest in feminine articles of clothing. My mom said at her wedding I would go around and touch all the pretty dresses they all thought it was just cute nothing more. Years pass I experiment with nail polish and my mom's skirts and underthings around 4th grade, skip some time and I'd actually wear thongs and tights and such to school hiding it under my clothes. When I got a job I started buying things under a female persona. Years pass and I meet a girl. She knows about my crossdressing and I introduced myself as gay (I'm not, maybe bicurious but only certain men appeal to me) due to fear, well then, things occur and we date I am primarily in male attire never dressed in front of her. We get engaged and I love her but then she says she is not attracted to the thought of seeing me "in drag" it's not drag but I digress. So to satisfy her and keep her happy I burn everything I had breastforms wigs clothes makeup. I thought I could just make it disappear. We then have a child and get married. It doesn't work like that though does it because the urge comes back stronger. So I start painting my nails before going to work and clean them off after. She finds out it's a big deal. A few more occurrences happen same thing. For a bit she is okay with me painting my nails and then she flips on a dime. She says she loves me and I know she does but not all of me. When we say I love you we will playfully say I love you more and she will say it back but in my mind, I my heart, I know it's not true because I can accept all of her but she can't accept all of me. This has been eating at me for the past 3 to 5 years and I just, I don't know what to do. I have spoken to counselors they are useless personally, in the military I was diagnosed with adult gender identity disorder as well. I just can't be the only one in my situation. I don't know if I'm Trans, confused, just a crossdresser, and it eats at my soul.

Sorry for the long ramble for anyone that reads this.