u/Sithis-bride

So.. about the whole „I am not my ego. I am not my thoughts. I am not my body. I am just the observer. There is no 'I'. I am the experience itself.“ - theory. Which is also often described as the universe experiencing itself.

I can’t wrap my mind about following: Why am „I“ in THIS exact body right now? How does this singular spark of experience „decide“ to be in this body at this specific time? I don’t believe in „deciding“ or free will, which makes it even harder for me to stop spiralling about it. When I was five years old, I asked my mother why I am who I am and how I know I'm not dreaming.
Also, if there is no such thing as time, and everything is happening everywhere all at once, I must have already been through an infinite amount of experiences. I just can't remember them because there is no such thing as memory outside of this body.
And following that thought: shouldn't this life I am experiencing right now already be forgotten? Why am I stuck in this specific life, at this exact time, out of all eternity?

Jetzt muss ich ständig an Nudeln in Zahnform denken... oder Zahnseide in Spaghettiform

Und warum ist es nicht normal seine Zahnbürste nach dem putzen mit Spüli oder ähnlichem zu waschen? Wir schrubben damit eklige Essenreste aus unseren Mündern. Geschirr wird ja auch gespült nachdem wir darauf rumgeschlabbert haben. Oder soll die Zahnnudel ausreichen um den Grind wegzuspülen?

I'd be happy to hear your theories.

A bit of background first. Years ago, I spent a lot of time on my journey toward awakening. I was searching for answers in spirituality because I felt so lost, as if I was yearning for or missing something I couldn't describe. I spent a lot of time meditating and listening to what the universe had to say until I started to realize that I was the observer of my own mind/my existence. My ego started to dissolve.

Eventually, all of this knowledge led me into a state of anxiety and loneliness. The people closest to me aren't spiritual at all. I knew that the things I experienced while searching for answers would sound completely crazy to them. The only person I could talk to about everything only made my anxiety worse by telling me things like, "XY is bad for your path to awakening. Society is evil. Demons." You know, that kind of thing.

So I slipped back into the comforting blur of my ego.

It's been about eight years since then. During that time, I fell into depression and eventually became completely burned out. Medication clouded my mind, numbed me, and stopped me from feeling the bad emotions - but also the good ones.

A few weeks ago, I came off my medication. I cried so much. I cried because of the pain in the world. I cried because of the beauty in the world. I cried because I was finally able to cry again. It feels as though someone had placed a cover over me all these years, and suddenly it's been lifted. I feel connected again.

Around the same time, my social media algorithm started leading me back to topics about existence. For all those years, I had avoided thinking about them. I was afraid I would "go crazy" - either because I'd never find any answers or because I'd receive too many answers or messages from the universe that I couldn't share with anyone.

But I realized that this avoidance was exactly what had pulled me even deeper into depression.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to get so long. Anyway, the past few days have involved a lot of crying, feeling connected again, noticing small signs from the universe after asking for them, and being able to shift back into the role of the observer.

So, here's what I actually wanted to ask about.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. This feeling of being connected again made my body feel almost electrified. When I finally went to bed, I felt as though I was being watched. Not internally, but externally, from the other side of the room. It felt as if I'd somehow "summoned" something by shifting back into this state.

Does anyone have a theory about what this could have been?

So I read about capsules that have only around 6 beads in it. All my capsules from 20 to 90 have hundreds of tiny beads in it which makes counting really exhausting. I live in Germany, can someone recommend brands that have bigger beads?