tl;dr finally processing one-sided breakup. I tend to be self-negative and think I need to protect people from myself, so I'm scared that I'm both going to start dating again too early, and that I could also just wait forever. I'm looking for some kind of benchmark for "healthy enough to date again".

*edit: I'm trying to figure out how to distinguish between "I need someone to fill the void left by my ex" (bad) and "I'm normal amounts of lonely/wanting a partner, and my ex is the only frame of reference I have for what it would feel like"*

My ex cut things off about 5 months ago after 2.5 years and talks of marriage. She wasn't the best at saying or even knowing what she wanted, and finally did in an ultimatum with a few days to figure my shit out. I actually did figure a lot of it out, and then she just cut things off hard. I tried reaching out once a few weeks ago and she's not interested in reconnecting.

I'm working on letting go but it's slow going. I had an awful last year and let that change me, and our last conversation was while I was coming off a really awful work trip with bad sleep. I've spent the last 5 months doing my damnedest to learn from that, for myself and my loved ones, but with a bit of hope that I could earn her trust/hope back. Obviously that's not going to be a thing and I'm focusing on trusting her judgement.

So now I'm working on acknowledging her part in things, rather than trying to hold the love, and figure out what I want apart from her.

She was very good to me and I need to integrate how she treated me (some of it) into how I treat myself and others. I hope some of how I treated her was helpful long-term.

But also I have a horde of pictures and gifts from this person I still want to respect, but that I assume I can't bring into a new relationship in a healthy way. I'm not sure how to respect those incredibly personal items while getting them out of my life. The best suggestion I've heard so far is "put them in a box and give them to someone you trust until you don't care anymore, especially if you had a kid together so they can see that stuff" (we didn't, but I thought I'd include it).

I'm kind of isolated and how I feel about dating again is generally "yeah let's go" when I've been with friends recently, and "oh no, I'm going to get rejected for not having my shit together/crying/oversharing" when I'm by myself for a bit.

I'm in a loop of downloading, peeking at, then uninstalling Hinge as some kind of hope-boost (not my best idea).

I'm finding people I'm interested in, but a lot want kids, which I'm down for, but with more time to figure my head out and get to know eachother first, and I feel like I'm running out of years for that.

34m, but my background and anxiety mean that I didn't date until the end of college, and then with big gaps after each breakup to recover. Most of my friends/family didn't date much before marrying.

This was 6 months ago. My GF broke it off after a rough year, after 2.5 years together and talks of engagement. In hindsight it was coming, but we went from "something vaguely off", to "we need to talk", to an ultimatum that was cut short by a goodbye 12 hours later, in 3 texts while I was on a work trip and 1.5 conversations over about a week. I didn't have a lot of time to process, but have been trying to since then. She was pretty bad at saying what she wanted, and I very much did not help, or act out that I was taking things seriously.

I reached out a week or two ago and it sounds like we're through.

I spent most of the last 6 months trying to figure out my own messed up ways of thinking so I could fix them. I'm now trying to acknowledge her part in it too to move on a bit better/pine less.

At what point is someone well enough to look for a somebody again?

I'm not really looking for something casual, but I know there are issues with people coming out of committed relationships trying to jump back to that level of intimacy too quickly.

My therapist suggested just meeting people, because a lot of them are probably going through things too, but my heart is very much on my sleeve, I don't like smalltalk much, and I cry easily.

I'm trying to avoid both:

• "I can't date until I've fixed myself entirely"
• being a burden to my new GF or her feeling she's competing with my ex

I still miss my friend (my ex was wonderful), and getting rid of the pictures and the gifts and stuff feels crass/disrespectful, even though she doesn't want to see me. I'm coping by remembering that she said she's content, and I should trust her.

Most women I'm seeing on apps want kids, and this is the point where that starts getting more urgent, but I don't think I'd be a good parent for a while yet.

I'm trying to change a bunch of parts of my life to take better care of myself and others, and I've made a lot of progress, but I don't know what's enough/too much.

I hope this is okay to post; I'm older, but most of the people I know have only really had one relationship and have very little advice to give. This is kinda rant-y and I'm leaving out some detail for identifiability and brevity. The actual ask is in bold.

Several months ago my GF of several years texted me that we needed to have a big talk. She broke it off and went no-contact a day after the ultimatum, but didn't really give expectations.

Since then I reflected hard on the last few years and found that I'd been judgemental, inflexible, not particularly open to feedback, and a hypocrite. I've been working hard to change my habits, fix my head in therapy, etc, theoretically for myself and anyone else I'm with, but also with the hope she would feel safe enough to try again.

I finally reached back out and she said she wishes me well but doesn't want to see me.

The part of my head that wants to beg and explain is still in full swing, and I'm trying to ignore it.

I live alone and I'm pretty isolated so this is difficult.

I figure I should send some kind of "nice knowing you" response. I figured I'd include a thing or two I saw that she'd like as a parting gift of some kind.

We'd talked about marriage and by all accounts were very well matched. She's the only positive vision of my future I've had for a long time, and is the voice in my head telling me I'm loved and to take care of myself (great for me; I now know I relied too hard on her for that).

I know she owes me nothing and I need to move on, and I'm not sure how to do that without actually secretly planning to reach out in a decade, or getting incredibly bitter, or thinking that by being a good boi I'll somehow earn her back from the universe. (I mean I literally don't know how, this isn't soft language for giving up and being a POS ex).

I still love her and want to share what I've learned/realized so it can help her too. She's been hurt before and I'm afraid she might just give up dating. None of this is my responsibility but I want it to be; I made this mess and I want to fix it. (I know it takes two to tango; she had a terrible time saying what she wanted when we met, and it turns out my issues compounded that pretty bad)

I think I know what happened and how to avoid it in the future, but I don't know what to do right now, when I'm changing 18 habits at once, about to go back to work I used to love and now hate, feel like I need 3-5 business days to see anyone I care about, and am neck deep in regret and embarassment and loss without experience in letting things, or people, go.

I'm at the point of "everything and nothing at all remind me of time with her, or of a promise I never kept and want to", and I desperately need help finding a way to reframe those moments into something at least neutral so I don't lose me job from being stuck in a ball weeping. I have a quarantined bag of incredibly thoughtful gifts she gave me that I want to honor somehow. etc.

Thanks for reading.
edit: to be very explicit, I do not intend to try to worm my way back into her life. I know no means no. I reached out when I did because 3 separate therapists and a good 90% of my married friends agreed it sounded like a communication issue that might be resolvable if I got my act together. I'm trying to move on and am looking for help with that. The alternative to me moving on isn't me reaching out again, it's me being indefinitely anxious by myself.

edit 2: thanks for being kind, y'all. Relationship advice on reddit can be kinda cruel and this has been helping. I just wish that my other circumstances were better so I had something to focus on 😅

I struggle the most with

• not disappearing into myself when I'm anxious in a conversation (I start acting on my assumptions about what the other person might be thinking rather than asking)
• getting locked into my phone

Does anyone have specific things they practice that help them:

• realize what's happening faster in either of those circumstances
• ground without interrupting the conversation
• actually remember the things they enjoy more when they're in a phone loop

Hi all!

I run an IRL meetup for a handicraft hobby. I got 25ish names at a festival and we've been meeting monthly for going on 2 years, with monthly attendance of 5-25, 35ish regulars, and 200 names.

It started as a conversation between me and a new acquaintance at the festival, who I'd heard had been trying to set up a meetup at his house, but hadn't been able to get a sustaining amount of regular attendees.

We have some other hosts, but it's 95% that guy.

I organize at least one meeting a month, as well as a reminder or two, and a separate email about free craft supplies, sporadically. We've also done a few recruiting/demo tables at local events.

When people ask, I describe myself as the guy with the email address and the list, not the leader, and I think I'm sincere about it. The only thing close to a policy I've had to make is suggesting people avoid talking about certain violent events in our area, because other members were directly affected.

I had to make up a name and logo (my day job is design) on the spot so we could be advertised as a part of a bigger event we were tabling at. One or two members griped lightly about the name, and I don't use the logo much, but I've been thinking about it for a bit.

People also wanted some kind of social media to interact with eachother more directly, which I've been dragging my feet on because I'm not sure how to keep the neo-luddites and old folks in the group.

SO

I've been chatting about these things with the usual host and a buddy of ours, and he got the idea to make an Instagram page for at least his place.

We got to talking about names, but I was taking too long for him, so he just up and picked a new name, and AI-generated a logo and threw up an Instagram page.

I don't feel like I have any particular authority, but neither does he, and he said I had the authority for a good while before that. What do I do with this situation?

I've thought he's a pretty reasonable dude, but it might be learned calm/wisdom over top of a base-level of impulsive and angry.

He's also the most "don't make it too formal" of the bunch.

How do I get started on making bylaws and stuff from scratch when the only thing close to leadership we have is a casual, inclusive clique he knows better than me, and me asking for vibe-checks every now and again?

Not sure how to phrase that title properly, so here's a better summary.

My ex was very sincere and effusively loving, and also really got into it when we did any kind of roleplay/bit (non-sexual, just goofing around alone).

I loved this about her, and also couldn't get myself to stay present in the act with her without feeling like it was going on too long or I was being controlled somehow

Same with long goodbyes; I started to feel like we were in a loop and was usually already anticipating the next thing, and couldn't respond genuinely.

For the future, has anyone found

- a way to switch out of character in a fun moment when you're getting overwhelmed that doesn't make either of you feel like you did something wrong

- a way to get over yourself on stuff like this?