u/SoleilTX22

Im not even sure where to start. In my early 40’s now. 41M/41F been married for 13 years and together for almost 15. I was diagnosed w stage 3 B breast cancer in 2021. It was huge, aggressive & required the most radical treatment as there was also a genetic component. Went through 2 double mastectomy surgeries (surgeon missed cancerous tissue first go round) had all of my left lymph nodes removed, 3 months of red devil chemo, another surgery, had to move to Dallas & live alone for 37 radiation treatments. Bc my neck was being radiated (cancer was found high) was forced to wear a radiation face mask. Literally torture device. Was hard to position & in the age of COVID disinfecting protocols etc was in the mask and radiated min hour but usually closer to 2-3 hours 5 days a week. After treatment I’d have to drive myself home. Spent Christmas alone on the floor in the dark too numb to even cry. Lost all of my hair, eyelashes eyebrows etc and obviously lost my boobs. I wasn’t a candidate for traditional implants for many reasons, only way would’ve been a DIEP surgery which is gnarly. Dangerous, painful and recovery is year or longer w many not happy w the results. They basically take fat from thighs or back & try to re create boobs. Involves nerves & necrosis is a real possibility. I had been through too much & couldn’t do it. I also found a correlation w higher chance of reoccurrence for women who reconstructed versus those that stayed flat. Married at the time & still am now.

Upon diagnosis we had been married 8 years & now it’s been 13 years. My husband had a 1.5 year old son from another woman & I’ve always seen him & treated him like i do my own. We also have one son together now 11. Always wanted more but obviously couldn’t after cancer diagnosis as my cancer was hormone positive. I knew my husband had what I thought was a small porn addiction when we met. Before we had our son I basically just would have sex w him as much as possible as he was always ready to go. I am not into being choked as I was sexually assaulted as a young girl and almost raped by my step brother. I knew he liked it though so I’d allow it. For years i did that and consistently dressed in lingerie as it was another obsession of his. Fast forward I get sick. I was immediately put into medical menopause due to the cancer being hormone driven. They’ve kept me in menopause ever since.

This year is my 6th survivor year. For my cancer I’m most vulnerable to a reoccurrence years 5-10….so now. Cancer is a hell & trauma thats impossible to explain but it’s made sex painful for me and bc of the hormone blockers i was unable to climax. My husband has done the best he could w being patient but he also knows my boundaries w porn & lusting after other people. I don’t agree to it bc it’s always made me feel insecure or like I’m not enough. I never have lusted for other men & he promised me he would stop years ago after I caught him once late in my pregnancy and it really hurt me. Well call me an idiot all of these years but I just thought he meant that. We’ve had many discussions of how we can begin to get our intimate life back but it never sticks, meaning he never helps me find solutions. We cannot afford a therapist and I feel too overwhelmed trying to find the answers to this alone.

I recently made the decision if I was ever going to give him a regular sex life id need to stop the hormone blockers as they just completely suppress sexual desires and cause a lot of pain. That said I also just have an immense amount of chronic pain now. My body went through too much. I also have post mastectomy pain disorder. I did the research & math best I could and stopping the hormone blockers will increase my reoccurrence odds by around 12 %. I already have an extremely high chance of reoccurrence bc of all of the factors I mentioned, genetic component, size of tumor, number of lymph nodes it had spread to, was considered inflammatory etc. I say all of this to give perspective. Adding in that 12 % my odds of reoccurrence are above 70% even still I felt like it wasn’t fair to my husband to stay chemically castrated almost and so I made the decision to stop them. I have vaginal atrophy from everything and I’ve ordered supplies to begin to remedy that though it’s painful. I did the same w a water wand for the shower. I knew I had to wake my body back up and my husband & I agreed this could help. The first 4 months I would use one once a week and it was hell initially. At the beginning I’d never get to the point of climax and then my uterus would hurt for hours after. Slowly though I was able to keep pressing on to climax but the pain and cramping for hours afterward would still happen and sometimes still does. I told my husband that until we could get my vaginal wall stretched out we could engage in oral to each other and just get comfortable again with touch and bc of the trauma on my brain get it to switch from the mindset I was stuck in. Which was touch was bad bc for the last years of my life touch did equal bad. So many blood draws, shots, surgeries, exams. I began to feel de humanized.

He seemed to be understanding but I have been disappointed that it still feels like I’m doing most of the heavy lifting w the emotional toll and just ideas in general. It feels like he wants me to just flip a switch and trust me if I could I desperately would. Two weeks ago I got sick and then started my period which again I haven’t had for years & so since they’ve been back the pain has been intense. So it’s been two weeks since we were intimate. I never check his phone bc I just always trusted him. However last night we had to switch phones so he could pick up a grocery order w an app on my phone. Since I had it idk I just got a weird urge to check after seeing a Reddit post of a woman finding a hidden folder on her husbands phone filled women. So I checked expecting to not find anything and boy was I wrong. There were so many photos of real women and of women with big boobs (before mine were cut off I had the biggest and best natural boobs so it was a very hard loss) all of the women stick thin dressed in lingerie or naked rubbing themselves or staring in the camera naked etc. I instantly felt sick. Not just sick but betrayed and hurt. I cannot compete w women who have boobs now that I don’t. He knows this and I do my best to put on a brave face and rock the flat scarred chest I have now. I’m thin and physically take good care of myself and so I’m just so gutted.

I confronted him and he was kind and apologized and just said he didn’t have any excuses, that it was wrong and he was sorry but that he has an addiction and it’s hard. On some of the data on the photos for instance one he either saved or jerked off to last year on Christmas 7:45 am. I almost died and not to be dramatic but if it comes back again I prob will. I’m having a hard time stomaching how on even Christmas instead of just being so glad I’m alive and we are all together he instead is lusting after other women. He went on to say he’s suffered with this our entire marriage but that in the last 6 months he’s been slowly cleaning up his algorithms and trying to view it all less. His excuse was it’s just as hard as a gambling addiction and that at least it’s not as much as it was and that he is sorry it’s hurt me and he admits if it was me doing this he would not be ok w it. Idk what to do. He also has a bad temper. He is a very chill guy until he gets very angry. For instance instead of just talking about the issue bothering me if I make him med he begins to scream at me. This happened recently after he swore he would stop (bc it happens when our kids our upstairs & they’re too old to hear that & I don’t want them thinking they can treat women that way just bc they’re angry) but less than a week later when he was made he began to do it again and get louder and louder and louder and so I quietly and rudely told him to please shut up and stop screaming at me. He lost his shit. Turned everything around on me then after he left the house sent me a text message callously telling me all of the ways I was at fault. I’m having a hard time w how hard he was on me then & honestly in every argument knowing that at the time he was hiding all of this & knew the behavior he was doing behind my back and the lies and deceit he was engaging in but still choosing to scream at me like that bc he was angry.

This has gutted me and made me feel worthless. It’s made me feel like maybe it had been better if I died and it’s made me feel like I’ll never be enough for him no matter how hard I try. I also worry that the amount of content hes viewed these last couple of years is even more than I can comprehend and I’m struggling that while I was fighting for my life he was lusting after women on a constant basis. Days when I was throwing up or recovering from a surgery he was probably watching nude women via photographs or videos. He’s said he’ll delete the hidden folder containing all of the women and that he’s going to do everything he can to stop but I fear that isn’t the truth. I fear even if I step up the sexual activity even past a point that will be painful for me it will not be enough. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. It just feels like such a betrayal especially w the cancer involvement. How do I move past this? How would others feel if this happened to them? Is there any advice anyone has for me? Sorry this is so long it’s just a complex story and I just feel so alone and awful.

I’m not even sure where to start. In my early 40’s now. 41M/41F been married for 13 years and together for almost 15. I was diagnosed w stage 3 B breast cancer in 2021. It was huge, aggressive & required the most radical treatment as there was also a genetic component. Went through 2 double mastectomy surgeries (surgeon missed cancerous tissue first go round) had all of my left lymph nodes removed, 3 months of red devil chemo, another surgery, had to move to Dallas & live alone for 37 radiation treatments. Bc my neck was being radiated (cancer was found high) was forced to wear a radiation face mask. Literally torture device. Was hard to position & in the age of COVID disinfecting protocols etc was in the mask and radiated min hour but usually closer to 2-3 hours 5 days a week. After treatment I’d have to drive myself home. Spent Christmas alone on the floor in the dark too numb to even cry. Lost all of my hair, eyelashes eyebrows etc and obviously lost my boobs. I wasn’t a candidate for traditional implants for many reasons, only way would’ve been a DIEP surgery which is gnarly. Dangerous, painful and recovery is year or longer w many not happy w the results. They basically take fat from thighs or back & try to re create boobs. Involves nerves & necrosis is a real possibility. I had been through too much & couldn’t do it. I also found a correlation w higher chance of reoccurrence for women who reconstructed versus those that stayed flat. Married at the time & still am now.

Upon diagnosis we had been married 8 years & now it’s been 13 years. My husband had a 1.5 year old son from another woman & I’ve always seen him & treated him like i do my own. We also have one son together now 11. Always wanted more but obviously couldn’t after cancer diagnosis as my cancer was hormone positive. I knew my husband had what I thought was a small porn addiction when we met. Before we had our son I basically just would have sex w him as much as possible as he was always ready to go. I am not into being choked as I was sexually assaulted as a young girl and almost raped by my step brother. I knew he liked it though so I’d allow it. For years i did that and consistently dressed in lingerie as it was another obsession of his. Fast forward I get sick. I was immediately put into medical menopause due to the cancer being hormone driven. They’ve kept me in menopause ever since.

This year is my 6th survivor year. For my cancer I’m most vulnerable to a reoccurrence years 5-10….so now. Cancer is a hell & trauma thats impossible to explain but it’s made sex painful for me and bc of the hormone blockers i was unable to climax. My husband has done the best he could w being patient but he also knows my boundaries w porn & lusting after other people. I don’t agree to it bc it’s always made me feel insecure or like I’m not enough. I never have lusted for other men & he promised me he would stop years ago after I caught him once late in my pregnancy and it really hurt me. Well call me an idiot all of these years but I just thought he meant that. We’ve had many discussions of how we can begin to get our intimate life back but it never sticks, meaning he never helps me find solutions. We cannot afford a therapist and I feel too overwhelmed trying to find the answers to this alone.

I recently made the decision if I was ever going to give him a regular sex life id need to stop the hormone blockers as they just completely suppress sexual desires and cause a lot of pain. That said I also just have an immense amount of chronic pain now. My body went through too much. I also have post mastectomy pain disorder. I did the research & math best I could and stopping the hormone blockers will increase my reoccurrence odds by around 12 %. I already have an extremely high chance of reoccurrence bc of all of the factors I mentioned, genetic component, size of tumor, number of lymph nodes it had spread to, was considered inflammatory etc. I say all of this to give perspective. Adding in that 12 % my odds of reoccurrence are above 70% even still I felt like it wasn’t fair to my husband to stay chemically castrated almost and so I made the decision to stop them. I have vaginal atrophy from everything and I’ve ordered supplies to begin to remedy that though it’s painful. I did the same w a water wand for the shower. I knew I had to wake my body back up and my husband & I agreed this could help. The first 4 months I would use one once a week and it was hell initially. At the beginning I’d never get to the point of climax and then my uterus would hurt for hours after. Slowly though I was able to keep pressing on to climax but the pain and cramping for hours afterward would still happen and sometimes still does. I told my husband that until we could get my vaginal wall stretched out we could engage in oral to each other and just get comfortable again with touch and bc of the trauma on my brain get it to switch from the mindset I was stuck in. Which was touch was bad bc for the last years of my life touch did equal bad. So many blood draws, shots, surgeries, exams. I began to feel de humanized.

He seemed to be understanding but I have been disappointed that it still feels like I’m doing most of the heavy lifting w the emotional toll and just ideas in general. It feels like he wants me to just flip a switch and trust me if I could I desperately would. Two weeks ago I got sick and then started my period which again I haven’t had for years & so since they’ve been back the pain has been intense. So it’s been two weeks since we were intimate. I never check his phone bc I just always trusted him. However last night we had to switch phones so he could pick up a grocery order w an app on my phone. Since I had it idk I just got a weird urge to check after seeing a Reddit post of a woman finding a hidden folder on her husbands phone filled women. So I checked expecting to not find anything and boy was I wrong. There were so many photos of real women and of women with big boobs (before mine were cut off I had the biggest and best natural boobs so it was a very hard loss) all of the women stick thin dressed in lingerie or naked rubbing themselves or staring in the camera naked etc. I instantly felt sick. Not just sick but betrayed and hurt. I cannot compete w women who have boobs now that I don’t. He knows this and I do my best to put on a brave face and rock the flat scarred chest I have now. I’m thin and physically take good care of myself and so I’m just so gutted.

I confronted him and he was kind and apologized and just said he didn’t have any excuses, that it was wrong and he was sorry but that he has an addiction and it’s hard. On some of the data on the photos for instance one he either saved or jerked off to last year on Christmas 7:45 am. I almost died and not to be dramatic but if it comes back again I prob will. I’m having a hard time stomaching how on even Christmas instead of just being so glad I’m alive and we are all together he instead is lusting after other women. He went on to say he’s suffered with this our entire marriage but that in the last 6 months he’s been slowly cleaning up his algorithms and trying to view it all less. His excuse was it’s just as hard as a gambling addiction and that at least it’s not as much as it was and that he is sorry it’s hurt me and he admits if it was me doing this he would not be ok w it. Idk what to do. He also has a bad temper. He is a very chill guy until he gets very angry. For instance instead of just talking about the issue bothering me if I make him med he begins to scream at me. This happened recently after he swore he would stop (bc it happens when our kids our upstairs & they’re too old to hear that & I don’t want them thinking they can treat women that way just bc they’re angry) but less than a week later when he was made he began to do it again and get louder and louder and louder and so I quietly and rudely told him to please shut up and stop screaming at me. He lost his shit. Turned everything around on me then after he left the house sent me a text message callously telling me all of the ways I was at fault. I’m having a hard time w how hard he was on me then & honestly in every argument knowing that at the time he was hiding all of this & knew the behavior he was doing behind my back and the lies and deceit he was engaging in but still choosing to scream at me like that bc he was angry.

This has gutted me and made me feel worthless. It’s made me feel like maybe it had been better if I died and it’s made me feel like I’ll never be enough for him no matter how hard I try. I also worry that the amount of content hes viewed these last couple of years is even more than I can comprehend and I’m struggling that while I was fighting for my life he was lusting after women on a constant basis. Days when I was throwing up or recovering from a surgery he was probably watching nude women via photographs or videos. He’s said he’ll delete the hidden folder containing all of the women and that he’s going to do everything he can to stop but I fear that isn’t the truth. I fear even if I step up the sexual activity even past a point that will be painful for me it will not be enough. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. It just feels like such a betrayal especially w the cancer involvement. How do I move past this? How would others feel if this happened to them? Is there any advice anyone has for me? Sorry this is so long it’s just a complex story and I just feel so alone and awful.

I’m not even sure where to start. In my early 40’s now. Was diagnosed w stage 3 B breast cancer in 2021. It was huge, aggressive & required the most radical treatment as there was also a genetic component. Went through 2 double mastectomy surgeries (surgeon missed cancerous tissue first go round) had all of my left lymoh nodes removed, 3 months of red devil chemo, another surgery, had to move to Dallas & live alone for 37 radiation treatments. Bc my neck was being radiated (cancer was found high) was forced to wear a radiation face mask. Literally torture device. Was hard to position & in the age of COVID disinfecting protocols etc was in the mask and radiated min hour but usually closer to 2-3 hours 5 days a week. After treatment I’d have to drive myself home. Spent Christmas alone on the floor in the dark too numb to even cry. Lost all of my hair, eyelashes eyebrows etc and obviously lost my boobs. I wasn’t a candidate for traditional implants for many reasons, only way would’ve been a DIEP surgery which is gnarly. Dangerous, painful and recovery is year or longer w many not happy w the results. They basically take fat from thighs or back & try to re create boobs. Involves nerves & necrosis is a real possibility. I had been through too much & couldn’t do it. I also found a correlation w higher chance of reoccurrence for women who reconstructed versus those that stayed flat. Married at the time & still am now. Upon diagnosis we had been married 8 years & now it’s been 13 years. My husband had a 1.5 year old son from another woman & I’ve always seen him & treated him like i do my own. We also have one son together now 11. Always wanted more but obviously couldn’t after cancer diagnosis as my cancer was hormone positive. I knew my husband had what I thought was a small porn addiction when we met. Before we had our son I basically just would have sex w him as much as possible as he was always ready to go. I am not into being choked as I was sexually assaulted as a young girl and almost raped by my step brother. I knew he liked it though so I’d allow it. For years i did that and consistently dressed in lingerie as it was another obsession of his. Fast forward I get sick. I was immediately put into medical menopause due to the cancer being hormone driven. They’ve kept me in menopause ever since. This year is my 6th survivor year. For my cancer I’m most vulnerable to a reoccurrence years 5-10….so now. Cancer is a hell & trauma thats impossible to explain but it’s made sex painful for me and bc of the hormone blockers i was unable to climax. My husband has done the best he could w being patient but he also knows my boundaries w porn & lusting after other people. I don’t agree to it bc it’s always made me feel insecure or like I’m not enough. I never have lusted for other men & he promised me he would stop years ago after I caught him once late in my pregnancy and it really hurt me. Well call me an idiot all of these years but I just thought he meant that. We’ve had many discussions of how we can begin to get our intimate life back but it never sticks, meaning he never helps me find solutions. We cannot afford a therapist and I feel too overwhelmed trying to find the answers to this alone. I recently made the decision if I was ever going to give him a regular sex life id need to stop the hormone blockers as they just completely suppress sexual desires and cause a lot of pain. That said I also just have an immense amount of chronic pain now. My body went through too much. I also have post mastectomy pain disorder. I did the research & math best I could and stopping the hormone blockers will increase my reoccurrence odds by around 12 %. I already have an extremely high chance of reoccurrence bc of all of the factors I mentioned, genetic component, size of tumor, number of lymph nodes it had spread to, was considered inflammatory etc. I say all of this to give perspective. Adding in that 12 % my odds of reoccurrence are above 70% even still I felt like it wasn’t fair to my husband to stay chemically castrated almost and so I made the decision to stop them. I have vaginal atrophy from everything and I’ve ordered supplies to begin to remedy that though it’s painful. I did the same w a water wand for the shower. I knew I had to wake my body back up and my husband & I agreed this could help. The first 4 months I would use one once a week and it was hell initially. At the beginning I’d never get to the point of climax and then my uterus would hurt for hours after. Slowly though I was able to keep pressing on to climax but the pain and cramping for hours afterward would still happen and sometimes still does. I told my husband that until we could get my vaginal walk stretched out we could engage in oral to each other and just get comfortable again with touch and bc of the trauma on my brain get it to switch from the mindset I was stuck in. Which was touch was bad bc for the last years of my life touch did equal bad. So many blood draws, shots, surgeries, exams. I began to feel de humanized. He seemed to be understanding but I have been disappointed that it still feels like I’m doing most of the heavy lifting w the emotional toll and just ideas in general. It feels like he wants me to just flip a switch and trust me if I could I desperately would. Two weeks ago I got sick and then started my period which again I haven’t had for years & so since they’ve been back the pain has been intense. So it’s been two weeks since we were intimate. I never check his phone bc I just always trusted him. However last night we had to switch phones so he could pick up a grocery order w an app on my phone. Since I had it idk I just got a weird urge to check after seeing a Reddit post of a woman finding a hidden folder on her husbands phone filled women. So I checked expecting to not find anything and boy was I wrong. There were so many photos of real women and of women with big boobs (before mine were cut off I had the biggest and best natural boobs so it was a very hard loss) all of the women stick thin dressed in lingerie or naked rubbing themselves or staring in the camera naked etc. I instantly felt sick. Not just sick but betrayed and hurt. I cannot compete w women who have boobs now that I don’t. He knows this and I do my best to put on a brave face and rock the flat scarred chest I have now. I’m thin and physically take good care of myself and so I’m just so gutted. I confronted him and he was kind and apologized and just said he didn’t have any excuses, that it was wrong and he was sorry but that he has an addiction and it’s hard. On some of the data on the photos for instance one he either saved or jerked off to last year on Christmas 7:45 am. I almost died and not to be dramatic but if it comes back again I prob will. I’m having a hard time stomaching how on even Christmas instead of just being so glad I’m alive and we are all together he instead is lusting after other women. He went on to say he’s suffered with this out entire marriage but that in the last 6 months he’s been slowly cleaning up his algorithms and trying to view it all less. His excuse was it’s just as hard as a gambling addiction and that at least it’s not as much as it was and that he is sorry it’s hurt me and he admits if it was me doing this he would not be ok w it. Idk what to do. He also has a bad temper. He is a very chill guy until he gets very angry. For instance instead of just talking about the issue bothering me if I make him med he begins to scream at me. This happened recently after he swore he would stop (bc it happens when our kids our upstairs & they’re too old to hear that & I don’t want them thinking they can treat women that way just bc they’re angry) but less than a week later when he was made he began to do it again and get louder and louder and louder and so I quietly and rudely told him to please shut up and stop screaming at me. He lost his shit. Turned everything around on me then after he left the house sent me a text message callously telling me all of the ways I was at fault. I’m having a hard time w how hard he was on me then & honestly in every argument knowing that at the time he was hiding all of this & knew the behavior he was doing behind my back and the lies and deceit he was engaging in but still choosing to scream at me like that bc he was angry.

This has gutted me and made me feel worthless. It’s made me feel like maybe it had been better if I died and it’s made me feel like I’ll never be enough for him no matter how hard I try. I also worry that the amount of content hes viewed these last couple of years is even more than I can comprehend and I’m struggling that while I was fighting for my life he was lusting after women on a constant basis. Days when I was throwing up or recovering from a surgery he was probably watching nude women via photographs or videos. He’s said he’ll delete the hidden folder containing all of the women and that he’s going to do everything he can to stop but I fear that isn’t the truth. I fear even if I step up the sexual activity even past a point that will be painful for me it will not be enough. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. It just feels like such a betrayal especially w the cancer involvement. How do I move past this? How would others feel if this happened to them? Is there any advice anyone has for me? Sorry this is so long it’s just a complex story and I just feel so alone and awful.

I’m not even sure where to start. In my early 40’s now. Was diagnosed w stage 3 B breast cancer in 2021. It was huge, aggressive & required the most radical treatment as there was also a genetic component. Went through 2 double mastectomy surgeries (surgeon missed cancerous tissue first go round) had all of my left lymoh nodes removed, 3 months of red devil chemo, another surgery, had to move to Dallas & live alone for 37 radiation treatments. Bc my neck was being radiated (cancer was found high) was forced to wear a radiation face mask. Literally torture device. Was hard to position & in the age of COVID disinfecting protocols etc was in the mask and radiated min hour but usually closer to 2-3 hours 5 days a week. After treatment I’d have to drive myself home. Spent Christmas alone on the floor in the dark too numb to even cry. Lost all of my hair, eyelashes eyebrows etc and obviously lost my boobs. I wasn’t a candidate for traditional implants for many reasons, only way would’ve been a DIEP surgery which is gnarly. Dangerous, painful and recovery is year or longer w many not happy w the results. They basically take fat from thighs or back & try to re create boobs. Involves nerves & necrosis is a real possibility. I had been through too much & couldn’t do it. I also found a correlation w higher chance of reoccurrence for women who reconstructed versus those that stayed flat.

Married at the time & still am now. Upon diagnosis we had been married 8 years & now it’s been 13 years. My husband had a 1.5 year old son from another woman & I’ve always seen him & treated him like i do my own. We also have one son together now 11. Always wanted more but obviously couldn’t after cancer diagnosis as my cancer was hormone positive. I knew my husband had what I thought was a small porn addiction when we met. Before we had our son I basically just would have sex w him as much as possible as he was always ready to go. I am not into being choked as I was sexually assaulted as a young girl and almost raped by my step brother. I knew he liked it though so I’d allow it.

For years i did that and consistently dressed in lingerie as it was another obsession of his. Fast forward I get sick. I was immediately put into medical menopause due to the cancer being hormone driven. They’ve kept me in menopause ever since. This year is my 6th survivor year. For my cancer I’m most vulnerable to a reoccurrence years 5-10….so now. Cancer is a hell & trauma thats impossible to explain but it’s made sex painful for me and bc of the hormone blockers i was unable to climax. My husband has done the best he could w being patient but he also knows my boundaries w porn & lusting after other people. I don’t agree to it bc it’s always made me feel insecure or like I’m not enough. I never have lusted for other men & he promised me he would stop years ago after I caught him once late in my pregnancy and it really hurt me. Well call me an idiot all of these years but I just thought he meant that. We’ve had many discussions of how we can begin to get our intimate life back but it never sticks, meaning he never helps me find solutions. We cannot afford a therapist and I feel too overwhelmed trying to find the answers to this alone. I recently made the decision if I was ever going to give him a regular sex life id need to stop the hormone blockers as they just completely suppress sexual desires and cause a lot of pain. That said I also just have an immense amount of chronic pain now. My body went through too much. I also have post mastectomy pain disorder. I did the research & math best I could and stopping the hormone blockers will increase my reoccurrence odds by around 12 %. I already have an extremely high chance of reoccurrence bc of all of the factors I mentioned, genetic component, size of tumor, number of lymph nodes it had spread to, was considered inflammatory etc.

I say all of this to give perspective. Adding in that 12 % my odds of reoccurrence are above 70% even still I felt like it wasn’t fair to my husband to stay chemically castrated almost and so I made the decision to stop them. I have vaginal atrophy from everything and I’ve ordered supplies to begin to remedy that though it’s painful. I did the same w a water wand for the shower. I knew I had to wake my body back up and my husband & I agreed this could help. The first 4 months I would use one once a week and it was hell initially. At the beginning I’d never get to the point of climax and then my uterus would hurt for hours after. Slowly though I was able to keep pressing on to climax but the pain and cramping for hours afterward would still happen and sometimes still does. I told my husband that until we could get my vaginal wall stretched out we could engage in oral to each other and just get comfortable again with touch and bc of the trauma on my brain get it to switch from the mindset I was stuck in. Which was touch was bad bc for the last years of my life touch did equal bad. So many blood draws, shots, surgeries, exams. I began to feel de humanized. He seemed to be understanding but I have been disappointed that it still feels like I’m doing most of the heavy lifting w the emotional toll and just ideas in general. It feels like he wants me to just flip a switch and trust me if I could I desperately would. Two weeks ago I got sick and then started my period which again I haven’t had for years & so since they’ve been back the pain has been intense.

So it’s been two weeks since we were intimate. I never check his phone bc I just always trusted him. However last night we had to switch phones so he could pick up a grocery order w an app on my phone. Since I had it idk I just got a weird urge to check after seeing a Reddit post of a woman finding a hidden folder on her husbands phone filled women. So I checked expecting to not find anything and boy was I wrong. There were so many photos of real women and of women with big boobs (before mine were cut off I had the biggest and best natural boobs so it was a very hard loss) all of the women stick thin dressed in lingerie or naked rubbing themselves or staring in the camera naked etc. I instantly felt sick. Not just sick but betrayed and hurt. I cannot compete w women who have boobs now that I don’t. He knows this and I do my best to put on a brave face and rock the flat scarred chest I have now. I’m thin and physically take good care of myself and so I’m just so gutted. I confronted him and he was kind and apologized and just said he didn’t have any excuses, that it was wrong and he was sorry but that he has an addiction and it’s hard. On some of the data on the photos for instance one he either saved or jerked off to last year on Christmas 7:45 am. I almost died and not to be dramatic but if it comes back again I prob will.

I’m having a hard time stomaching how on even Christmas instead of just being so glad I’m alive and we are all together he instead is lusting after other women. He went on to say he’s suffered with this out entire marriage but that in the last 6 months he’s been slowly cleaning up his algorithms and trying to view it all less. His excuse was it’s just as hard as a gambling addiction and that at least it’s not as much as it was and that he is sorry it’s hurt me and he admits if it was me doing this he would not be ok w it. Idk what to do. He also has a bad temper. He is a very chill guy until he gets very angry. For instance instead of just talking about the issue bothering me if I make him med he begins to scream at me. This happened recently after he swore he would stop (bc it happens when our kids our upstairs & they’re too old to hear that & I don’t want them thinking they can treat women that way just bc they’re angry) but less than a week later when he was made he began to do it again and get louder and louder and louder and so I quietly and rudely told him to please shut up and stop screaming at me. He lost his shit. Turned everything around on me then after he left the house sent me a text message callously telling me all of the ways I was at fault. I’m having a hard time w how hard he was on me then & honestly in every argument knowing that at the time he was hiding all of this & knew the behavior he was doing behind my back and the lies and deceit he was engaging in but still choosing to scream at me like that bc he was angry.

This has gutted me and made me feel worthless. It’s made me feel like maybe it had been better if I died and it’s made me feel like I’ll never be enough for him no matter how hard I try. I also worry that the amount of content hes viewed these last couple of years is even more than I can comprehend and I’m struggling that while I was fighting for my life he was lusting after women on a constant basis. Days when I was throwing up or recovering from a surgery he was probably watching nude women via photographs or videos. He’s said he’ll delete the hidden folder containing all of the women and that he’s going to do everything he can to stop but I fear that isn’t the truth. I fear even if I step up the sexual activity even past a point that will be painful for me it will not be enough. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. It just feels like such a betrayal especially w the cancer involvement. How do I move past this? How would others feel if this happened to them? Is there any advice anyone has for me? Sorry this is so long it’s just a complex story and I just feel so alone and awful.