u/Space_Wanderer1105

Why does he hate me so much.

I feel like I tried to love him regardless of what he is, in his best state and in his worst state, I still considered him. I tried to understand him. All cause I chose act of love.

but I feel for every act of love, even when it's ugly or hard, the more he hates me. The more he despises me.

and then I was discarded like I was nothing cause he couldn't take accountability and blame it all on me, hatefully.

I don't belong in this world.

the only person who loved me , Mom dead

the rest treated me like shit.

new people just hate me.

Oh and he also changes with the new woman.

I suggested a lot of my stuff and interest to him back then. TV Shows, songs, games, ALL DISMISSED and he always proceeded to make it about him. example : hey let's watch dark I think you'll like it and it ends in 3 seasons. cool soundtrack too by Agnes obel.

He said not in the mood (never in the mood) then got angry and said I was forcing my interest to him, how egoistic I was that he always had to watch my stuff (mind you the 4 years we were together it was spent watching his anime shows for 9 or more seasons straight while he only spent a few hours on a few movies I wanted to watch occasionally).

This is just a small example of many. I suggested more games, songs, shows, he never took any interest in enjoying it together with me.

Guess what the new woman suggesting strangers things and now he is listening to Kate Bush non stop. He rarely listens to western songs always anime/Japanese songs and seems he changes personality for this new woman. In the end they do better to a new person who they actually want

my fear always comes true. he never likes me. that's why.

It's now proven he CAN with the woman he actually love but CANNOT with me.

It's just another jab that I have to accept that everything always goes wrong for me but somehow it always works for another woman.

I feel like I am about to have a stroke every time. Dizzy, lightheaded, limbs weaknesses. Yesterday my heart rate went up to 107 even tho I did nothing and just sat or lay down all day. I feel like I am in constant flight or fight mode,restless, anxious, feels like something bad is gonna happen. It feels my body is inflamed and attacking itself on all fronts.

Is the fact that their life is truly better without me.

It's just saying and proving that the abuser was the better one, that all their lying, mean, intentionally cruel treatments to me and their insults about me are all true. That I was the only actual horrible person in the room like he always berated me and he ended up being right.

Look how stable his life is. How successful he is at his job, how happy and supported by healthy friends family and healthy new girlfriend. people love him, strangers calls him cutie pie and a saint and such.

if he is a horrible narcissist he won't be able to do this yet he is thriving. he is truly living. for real.

and I am the one miserable. spiralling. riddled with physical ailments, depression, suicidal, PTSD replying everything over and over and over, don't have stable job, in fact about to lose my job, don't have friends, no longer have family, all alone and sick and about to be homeless. it's obvious I am the one being punished. Back then he always deflected back that he said I was the abuser and the actual narcissist. maybe he was right all along. If I am the one being harshly punished like this , and he is the one being rewarded, maybe I am the actual narcissist and he was right.

It truly solidifies what he said that something is truly wrong with me and not him , validating his word back then that he said I would never find anyone else who is gonna do things for me better than him, and I would never have a better life like I was with him then he called me, his wife, "a very ungrateful piece of shit he couldn't wait to toss to the garbage to, cause there are many better women out there who would appreciate him"

and he is right. given how happy he is right now with the new person. he must be very happy cause he always said the only thing that matters in the world is he likes being right.

Is the fact that their life is truly better without me.

It's just saying and proving that the abuser was the better one, that all their lying, mean, intentionally cruel treatments to me and their insults about me are all true. That I was the only actual horrible person in the room like he always berated me and he ended up being right.

Look how stable his life is. How successful he is at his job, how happy and supported by healthy friends family and healthy new girlfriend. people love him, strangers calls him cutie pie and a saint and such.

if he is a horrible narcissist he won't be able to do this yet he is thriving. he is truly living. for real.

and I am the one miserable. spiralling. riddled with physical ailments, depression, suicidal, PTSD replying everything over and over and over, don't have stable job, in fact about to lose my job, don't have friends, no longer have family, all alone and sick and about to be homeless. it's obvious I am the one being punished. Back then he always deflected back that he said I was the abuser and the actual narcissist. maybe he was right all along. If I am the one being harshly punished like this , and he is the one being rewarded, maybe I am the actual narcissist and he was right.

It truly solidifies what he said that something is truly wrong with me and not him , validating his word back then that he said I would never find anyone else who is gonna do things for me better than him, and I would never have a better life like I was with him then he called me, his wife, "a very ungrateful piece of shit he couldn't wait to toss to the garbage to, cause there are many better women out there who would appreciate him"

and he is right. given how happy he is right now with the new person. he must be very happy cause he always said the only thing that matters in the world is he likes being right.

Is the fact that their life is truly better without me.

It's just saying and proving that the abuser was the better one, that all their lying, mean, intentionally cruel treatments to me and their insults about me are all true. That I was the only actual horrible person in the room like he always berated me and he ended up being right.

Look how stable his life is. How successful he is at his job, how happy and supported by healthy friends family and healthy new girlfriend. people love him, strangers calls him cutie pie and a saint and such.

if he is a horrible narcissist he won't be able to do this yet he is thriving. he is truly living. for real.

and I am the one miserable. spiralling. riddled with physical ailments, depression, suicidal, PTSD replying everything over and over and over, don't have stable job, in fact about to lose my job, don't have friends, no longer have family, all alone and sick and about to be homeless. it's obvious I am the one being punished. Back then he always deflected back that he said I was the abuser and the actual narcissist. maybe he was right all along. If I am the one being harshly punished like this , and he is the one being rewarded, maybe I am the actual narcissist and he was right.

It truly solidifies what he said that something is truly wrong with me and not him , validating his word back then that he said I would never find anyone else who is gonna do things for me better than him, and I would never have a better life like I was with him then he called me, his wife, "a very ungrateful piece of shit he couldn't wait to toss to the garbage to, cause there are many better women out there who would appreciate him"

and he is right. given how happy he is right now with the new person. he must be very happy cause he always said the only thing that matters in the world is he likes being right.

It's been a year since he dumped divorced me.

I haven't looked at his socials for a long time and last night a suggestion pops out and I ended up looking.

I saw that he follows, reposted and likes many new girls, getting all the freedom to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants like he always berated me while we were married.

I found a disturbing fact though. All the new girls he follows are all artists. All of them draw. and many of them stating they like colour blue or have blue hair or draw a lot of blue characters.

I am an artist. I work professionally as an artist in the creative industry since 12 years ago. I always love the color blue. I have even dyed my hair blue since 2018 and never changed it since. I wear and collect all kinds of blue things and characters.

Like WTF. He is looking for a copy?

if that's true, I curse him to always look for me in effing single new person he wants to replace me, but curse him he'd never EVER find all the kindness, consideration and love I gave him. F""k that guy.