u/Spirited-Seat644

And im not talking apps that you gotta spend hella money on im just talking bout meeting hot babes

23 male, autistic, adhd, severely depressed, anxious, with severe childhood trauma and religious trauma at a young age. Currently 230lbs(I've lost nearly 20 pounds in a month), 5'10", trying to take care of myself mentally and physically, but my mental is getting worse. Therapy is too expensive where I live. I can't afford more than $100 per session, and I cant get insurance because "I make too much" working 2 jobs(one taking care of my disabled brother, and the other one with Amazon, doing a lot of physical labor in a warehouse).

My story is a long one and I won't tell it all here. If you want to know more, you can feel free to ask, but I don't have as much time as I used to have to write these posts.

Pornography really fucked my life up, as well as trusting my family members and loving certain people who could never hold feelings for me. I'm 23, never been in a relationship before, never had sex, never even kissed a woman, but I crave intimacy, connection, and love, even though it hurts to know that the likely chances of any of this happening for me are so incredibly low, I can't fathom a number low enough for logic. I'm "handsome" until someone realizes I have autism or until I speak.

Not looking for hookups but I did consider it at one point though I'm certain it wouldn't work and I really dont want to lose my virginity to someone who has sex all the time. I'd rather it be with another virgin but that wont happen. My loneliness hurts and worsens every day. I feel angry that I can't be perfect, like all these other people who've had sex in their teen years, and who've had perfect experiences. Why couldn't that be me? Why did everything have to go wrong? I never asked for any of this. I thought by being me, by being a good guy, I'd find the point of it all, I'd be happy one day, I'd see a chance, and I'd have a decent life... but I guess I was wrong.

I think I'll do it on my birthday, in July this year. I dont know how yet, but that might be the best option to relieve my suffering.

I'd like to read a realistic-fiction, medieval book about a guy who, no matter how hard he tried, failed at nearly everything, but in the end, did something so powerful and profound that it was worth it for all the pain he endured. I'm talking, like, important people dying in his life, no possible chance at success but powering through, not much if any support, unable to find love, and like everything in the world is against him type of book. Something well-written, emotional, and as realistic as possible while still being a fantasy-medieval book.

Most people that I have spoken to about this have told me that I was wrong, or argue that there was something else at play, but this post in its entirety is the truth. I was addicted to pornography since age 10 and still partially am, but I'm in recovery. I try to limit my porn consumption to once or twice a week.

I'm a 23 year old autistic man with ADHD and some pretty severe mental trauma from when I was a kid. I always needed attention, and growing up, this caused a lot of bullying. My social skills are incredibly awkward, profoundly imbecilic, and entirely unfortunate due to how I was raised, my autism, my severe depression, and probably a great number of other factors, perhaps the largest of them all being porn consumption. Since 10 I was introduced to porn, and having never been in a relationship before, and never having been explained anything about it, I was under the impression that it was actual, realistic, non-acted, intimacy between people and just recorded to put on the internet.

As the years went by, porn negatively impacted my understanding of women and myself. Since my penis wasn't 5 or 6 inches long or whatever, and I wasn't as attractive as I wanted to be, and since virtually *no* girls my age all throughout high school, were ever interested in me or talked to me, I felt like a complete failure and went through a phase of su*cidal ideation and very depressive trauma towards myself. I always wanted to be a protector of women, to show them that I was good enough, and watching porn destroyed the respect I had for myself to continue to try to help people when nearly everyone ignored me. Because of the fact that almost every single negative thing that could happen in my life at that point in time happened to me, and because I had no amount of support from *ANYONE*, I wouldn't get better till my early 20s, and even to this day, I still deal with *a lot* of the same problems.

Some of the most prominent stuff that destroyed my brain at a young age was the content in which the woman "loved" or "wanted to" be completely abused and beaten while engaging in sex. Also, when a black man would have sex with a white female and the white female would claim that the black mans penis was always, no matter what, always better than that of a white mans penis. These "stereotypical", "racist-prejudice", and completely untrue(though perhaps in some cases it was true) commentaries, and no attempt at explaining the falsification of such content, really fucked me up as I grew up. It made me not only engage in assuming that the racism i grew up in was in some ways correct, and that perhaps black people really were a mean, hateful, abusive person who took white women from other white people and basically hurt them horribly but they loved it. These incredibly fucked up ideas stayed with me till I was about 17, but ever since 12 I've always felt like I was never enough, always worthless, and that my life could never amount to what the actors lives were like. Obviously now I know that these are actors, but for a *very long* time I didn't.

I remember thinking, "Wow I'll never get to fuck all of these beautiful women like these guys get to do whenever they want", and didn't understand that I was objectifying these actors, because they would do that to themselves all of the time. They all would. They would self-degrade themselves, and I think that was one of the main things that really made me addicted and connect with it, and what really fucked my life up even more.

Now, I still have a lot of difficulty talking with women because my confidence doesn't stay with me for very long. I am also still insanely insecure about myself even though I try not to be. Therapy hasn't helped me at all yet, and now it being super expensive, I am unable to afford it anymore. But I've made progress in my behaviors and understandings of life. I am no longer engaged in the racist-prejudice ideology that porn proposes to anyone who watches, and I don't believe I will ever support porn again, because of what it did to my life.

I work 2 jobs and barely have time for much of anything and still cant afford much, barely make ends meet. Feels like I'm overworking, but I literally *have* to in order to survive. Only 23. Any one else?

Just moved recently. I work 2 jobs and make "too much" for insurance, so I don't have that. What are the best therapy options in town that aren't hella expensive?

I've tried for a long time to quit porn and to quit fapping, but every couple-few weeks the urge gets really bad and I typically fail. I'm a 23 year old male with both autism and adhd, and I haven't been in a relationship ever in my life. I've also never had sex in my life no matter how badly I've wanted to. I feel like nothing is going to change for me, and that no matter what I do, I won't be able to get with anyone because I'm too ugly, awkward, or whatever else. I haven't masturbated in nearly 2 weeks, and i feel like it's killing me. Like, being so alone for all my life, not having intimacy or human connection, it feels like I'm dying not having any of that. Therapy is way too expensive so I cant afford that. Need support.

Like, I imagine Hares are Scottish or Irish or something like that, and Mice are probably English, but there are some creatures I'm not sure about. Like Moles. To me they sound also possibly Scottish, but not being knowledgeable about all the different dialects and languages in the UK, I haven't the foggiest.

Will we as humans ever actually care about each other enough to push this idea into permanent law?