u/Square-Assumption943

At this point everything I feel like there is this empty hole inside that is swallowing me and all happiness inside my body, because no matter what I do in my life, it feels like something is missing. Some purpose, meaning, or something meaningful I'm supposed to do, but I don't know what it is. Its like u remember u forgot to do something, but can't remember what it is. Now imagine that feeling sticking around for almost a year now.

I realized that I am a very selfish person. Back in November 2025, I was 16M back then, 17 now, and my older sister was 19. We have both grown up in a shitty, struggling environment, but my sister used to be the only one with anger issues, but I guess my issues have shown up more recently and been more violent. Or I just wasn't brave enough to be angry anyway, she was being a bitch that day, but she didn't hit me first. I punched her in the face a couple of times, and to the point she ran inside her room and locked her door. But you know, after being mad at me for like a month, she forgave. She knew what I had been through, what I had been going through, but also that I wasn't gonna get any chances. But to also promise to get help and work on myself. Anyways now, May 18, I didn't even go to therapy, probably won't go to it, didn't do all those things I promised to do to work on myself, she didn't even want me to do it as a punishment. She just wanted me to get better. Yeah, shit has been busy for me these few months, and she knows, but I didn't even try. I didn't even make an effort. At some point, I started asking myself if I even felt guilty for hitting her, and I geniunley don't know if I ever did. Because I realized something, I chose not to heal after I knew I had been through shit, traumatizing shit that can be hard, but I am not the only one who had bad things happen. Hell, my older sister might have had it even tougher than me, and even she is healing now. But I refuse to heal. I know what my problem is. I know I should reach where I should reach out. Things I can do to improve, but I just won't. Even if I want to right now I just know I won't its just how I am. I don't want to because fuck everyone, I guess. I'm a loser. I pretend to myself that I will fix everything, but deep down, I know what I am, and I know how this ends. I know how my life ends, where everyone cuts me off and leaves me because they all deserve better. And I rot alone as I deserve.

Ok, so this is going to sound really dumb, but I think this is the issue. Ever since I quit gaming, my life has been kind of boring. I'm 17M in community college, and I used to play Fortnite, Minecraft, Roblox, Rocket League, and Apex. I had a shitty laptop and a used Switch Lite, anyway. I didn't exactly have a lot of options, but you know, I still had my fun anyway. It isn't just me, but my whole friend group slowly started to grow distant from gaming idk it just slowly stopped being fun. It felt like too much hassle to arrange a time for everybody to hop on; someone always had some tech issue. Anyways, slowly everyone stopped asking to hop on every weekend in the group chat. Ok, so my point is that after all of that, my life sort of has been boring. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights were precious, and every week we would be talking about some new update. But now the group chat feels kind of dry, but that just might be because everybody is busy right now. But my social media to YouTube has geniunley become so dry its barley edible. Ever since I stopped caring about horror games, I have had a connection to them. I geniunley don't know what to watch when eating. Life feels empty and boring. I just miss the magic gaming had, it was so exciting to do every day. It also helped me stay connected to my long-distance friends from my elementary school who moved out of state. Should I look into new hobbies? Maybe my friends and I just need to try a brand new game? They might be down during the summer.

I am 17M now, and I just remembered this memory that just resurfaced from a long time ago. I was in first grade, maybe even younger, like kindergarten. Anyways this kid was bullying me calling me names and stuff nothing crazy and I told my dad who told me to fight him I didnt fight him I dont remember why i think there is a chance i just didn't even see him but I probably should have fought him I went home and just told my dad i didnt fight him idk why he got so mad i think he was drunk but he pretty much locked me out the house and it was night for i dont remember 20 minutes? Maybe an hour? Back then, my dad had a serious drinking problem, but he actually managed to quit drinking. He is still an egotistical, abusive asshole, just not murderous, and can have his nice moments. anyway. I remember how I cried at the door until my mom arrived home from grocery shopping, and then she let me in. I was just thinking about my emotions when this memory emerged, and then I just started crying for a bit. I don't know why it was kind of funny at first, but then I just started crying.

Like that girl was only 20 years old, but she was standing on business for those kids, damn. She was moving like Prime Von against those monsters.