u/Status-Mycologist317

It was not about him - I just have very little experience in dating and got super anxious and scared of going on a second date with him. So 2 days before I told him we shouldn't see each other but it's just because of me being stressed. It was impulsive and the next day I apologised, we talked for a while and I asked if he maybe wanted to meet again but he didn't want to. Which I totally understand and he did nothing wrong, he doesn't owe me anything. I was the problem here. The case is he was actually all I wanted in a partner (despite some concerns I had after our first date) and I deeply regret it. We had same hobbies, he was very open and caring, respectful, i found him physically attractive... I fear I won't find anybody else like this or just anyone interested. I can't cope with ruining an opportunity to have a good connection because of a stupid wave of anxiety. What can I do to feel better now, any ideas?

IMPORTANT: plz don't suggest therapy or meds, as I try/tried those. I'm in therapy for 8 years now and on medication. Just advice about this particular situation.

Hej, 23F, mam z jednej strony bardzo typowy jak dla tej platformy, ale też chyba ogólnie nietypowy problem.

W pracy czy na uczelni mam dużo osób, z którymi rozmawiam i spędzam czas. Na miejscu nigdy nie jestem sama, ludzie mnie znają, siedzimy razem czas podczas przerw, a czasem także wychodzimy gdzieś bezpośrednio po pracy/zajęciach. Jednak  poza tym nie ma żadnego kontaktu – nie piszemy do siebie (a jeśli już, to zawsze to ja piszę pierwsza), nigdy nie spotykamy się oddzielnie poza tym wspólnym miejscem jakim jest praca czy uczelnia. Tu podaje te miejsca jako te, gdzie bywam najwięcej, ale ogólnie sytuacja jest identyczna także w jakichś grupach dot. moich zainteresowań czy ogólnie gdziekolwiek nie bywam regularnie.

Wszędzie jestem postrzegana jako osoba raczej ekstrawertyczna, nie mam problemu z rozmową, ludzie zagadują też do mnie. Nie jestem wykluczona z żadnych rozmów czy planów, mam wrażenie, że mnie lubią. Ogólnie nie mam jakiejś super wysokiej samooceny, więc jeśli wypowiadam takie słowa to naprawdę jestem o nich przekonana.

Jednak poza tym? Nic. Gdy kończy się praca, studia etc. to nie mam nikogo, do kogo mogłabym nawet napisać, nikogo, z kim mogłabym gdzieś wyjść, dosłownie nikogo. Nie pamiętam, kiedy ostatnio wyszłam gdzieś z kimś inaczej niż na "integrację" po zajęciach czy kawę w przerwie w pracy. Próbowałam zapraszać ludzi na jakieś aktywności, podsuwać pomysły, a nawet ustalać daty... Nie nachalnie, bo nie chce się narzucać i kontroluje się, by nie przytłaczać kogoś. Ale zawsze wszyscy są "zajęci" ze swoimi przyjaciółmi/partnerami albo odpowiadają „świetny pomysł”, po czym plany nigdy nie dochodzą do skutku. Czuję, że wszyscy w moim wieku mają stałą paczkę i nie zależy im na nawiązywaniu nowych znajomości.

I to jest takie błędne koło: chcę nawiązać znajomości, ale mi się nie udaje, a potem jak już do kogoś się zbliżę to odrzuca mnie, gdy dowie się, ze nie mam znajomych. Niestety moja sytuacja tak wygląda, bo do 20. roku życia miałam poważny lęk społeczny, bałam się panicznie bliskich kontaktów 1:1 z ludźmi. Dopiero jakiś czas temu zaczęłam być otwarta...

Jakieś pomysły? Jak budować jakieś relacje obecnie, aby nie był to small talk, by z tego samego poznania się przeskoczyć "wyżej"? Niektóre te znajomości trwają już długo, a wciąż to tylko bycie "kumplami z miejsca X"...

Everywhere I go I have plenty of people I talk to and spend time with. At work, university or student associations I'm never alone, people know me, we hang out together during breaks or sometimes after. But besides that there's no contact - no texting (or if so I'm always the one to text first), never meeting outside of this mutual place (i mean we go to other places like cafes/bars sometimes after but it's just because we met at uni/work prior). When I go to the places mentioned I'm perceived as a rather extroverted person. I have so much people to talk to, am involved in all the plans and convos. But outside? Nothing. I have no one to text, no one to go anywhere with, literally no one. I don't remember the last time I had plans with someone. I tried to invite people, give ideas or even specify dates but everyone is so busy with their friends/partners or replies "great idea, we should" but the plans never come into life. I feel like everyone my age has a solid group and doesn't care about making new friends.

And it's such a vicious circle: I want to make friends - people don't want to get closer bc they feel fulfilled with who they already have - I stay alone and try with different people - some potential friends reject me because I have no friends. And my reason for being so alone now is purely that I had severe social anxiety until 20yo. So started talking to people more just some time ago...

Also - I'm bad at texting. When we meet in person it's obvious we won't sit in silence and the topics to talk come easily. But texting? I don't know how to start. I prefer to meet in person and have so many ideas of what to do, where to go etc. but have no one to go with.

Any ideas? How would you take those work/uni friendships outside of the mutual place? How do I start chatting with those people online?

(sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language)

On monday I went on first a date with a guy met on the app. I feel very neutral about him and didn't feel much "spark". What I observed our personalities don't really match and even though we share common interests, plans etc. we are for example on a different political spectrum or just focus on some different stuff in life. Like I don't think we could have a deeper conversation or build an emotional bond. At the same time there are also some positive sides I can't ignore and really appreciate in him. It wouldn't be so hard to decide if not my overall dating situation. The case is I rarely get to meet men, have very little experience in dating and it's really an unusual thing for someone to notice me. I don't want to self sabotage and give up but at the same time I debate whether I should really continue this just because "it may get better"... I don't want to waste someone's time if it doesn't work out. Before someone says I would be using him - I never accept paying for me or favours etc. and in general avoid "taking" from another person. So my reason is not to use someone or their money. Just don't want to lose the opportunity but at the same time am really concerned about those differences.

I'm freshly after a first date. I feel very neutral about this guy - nothing spectacular or good but also not bad. I don't know whether I should give this a chance or not if I feel like this. No major obstacles but just nothing special and feeling no "spark". What would you do and what's most important- when and what would you text him now?