u/Straight_Flan1347

Turkey, salami, Muenster on white with Pringles and pepper genies.

I am in pain every single second I’m alive. From the moment I wake up until the pills put me to sleep I am in pain. It saps all of my energy, sucks the color from my life, and I’m only 45 years old. It’s not going to get better and is likely to only get worse and I’ll be in pain every single second I’m alive until I die. I’ve seen so many doctors, had so many procedures, tried so my PT, tried so many medications to try and keep myself off opiates because of my very real history of addiction issues. But that is the next step because I can’t keep living like this anymore. I need some fucking relief.

TW: DV, substance abuse

I hadn't spoken to my father in five years before I learned he's dying of Stage 4 cancer in January. We've never had a good relationship. My mother and father divorced before I was old enough to know them as a couple. I only ever saw him on weekends really and he worked insane hours for the railroad for most of my teenage years. I'm trying now at 45 to have some sort of relationship with him before he dies.

The problem lies in the fact that my father isn't really a good person. He was an alcoholic almost his entire life who beat the shit out of his second wife and sent her to the hospital while I was sitting in the room with them. He once threw a six pack at my head. He was never a real father to me and tried to give me money to make it feel like he took care of me. It feels impossible to reconcile those things with the man I'm watching die slowly. I want to love him, I want to have a relationship with him, but all I remember of the man is of him being a flawed and shitty bastard.

Dinner was Mississippi Pot Roast over toasted crusty garlic bread with fresh chives from the garden.

Sick Chicago drone doom

https://stomachdoom.bandcamp.com/album/parasite-3

I’m 45 and feel like I lost all of my friends and any social connection I had after getting sober. I’m neurodivergent as hell and have a very hard relating to other people and all of my interests are stupid niche and weird. My wife is my only real friend because all of my social interactions prior to sobriety were built around substance abuse. I don’t know how to make friends. Last year I joined several groups (garbage clean ups, board of directors for a local puppet theater) and ended up having to drop out because of mental health issues earlier this year. I’ve convinced myself I’m okay being alone but honestly feel like no one cares about me or I’m just unlikable and too fucking weird for other humans.

Anyways peanut butter banana taco for lunch