u/Strict-Buddy5945

Just felt like sharing a story of mine after I saw someone post about their story.

I had a relationship about 4 years ago and he was quite distant and avoidant in nature. And I was quite opposite to him; clingy and always wanting his attention. I prioritized him throughout the relationship and always shared my feelings if something bothered me. But rather than understanding my feelings, he would think that I am blaming him or criticizing him and would get defensive. And most of the times, I had to be the one to reach out, apologise and get things back to normal even if it was his mistake. After 100s of such fights, I started losing interest in him and started feeling detached. There was a time when I couldn't even sleep without resolving a fight and would wait for his msg before going to sleep but over time, I realised that he would never do that and so I started focusing on more and grew distant. We broke up several times. For the first time, he started feeling that I could leave him coz before that he always thought that I would never leave him and took me for granted. As I became more distant (which happened naturally) due to bring neglected emotionally for such a long period, he started to show a different side of his. He became emotional and would cry in front of me, which was very strange and unfamiliar to me coz I had never seen this side of his ever before. Anyway, since I had got distant, I stopped feeling the same way for him and I finally broke up with him coz this side of him was too unreal for me and he would only be sweet when he's emotional but would treat me with the same kind of rudeness if I ever got emotional during that period. He made big statements that he saw me as a life partner and so on, but that never felt true coz his actions never reflected it. During our final breakup, he said that it is women only (basically, he was referring to his mother) that teach guys to suppress and hide their emotions during childhood and so, he can't change that in a day or so. He said that all while crying but honestly it was too little, too late. During the breakup, he also kissed me forcefully which felt like sexual harrasement to me coz by that time I had already moved on mentally and only came to his place just to have the last convo, for which I agreed to since he insisted a lot. That was the worst experience of the whole relationship. I didn't expect to be sexually harrased by him. It would have been better if I had not gone to his place that day coz I had a feeling that something might go wrong. And it did. I had a mental breakdown that day coz that kiss was very comfortable coz in that moment, he wasn't my bf, but just like any stranger or even worse than that. Coz had a stranger done it, I wouldn't have felt this bad since he wouldn't know me but this guy knew me yet he did that. It was as if he considered me his possession and could do anything to me anytime. In the moments that followed, I said a "yes" to him just so that I could feel that my bf has kissed me and not someone unknown person who I didn't consent to just to reduce the guilt and pain a bit, however all this while, my heart was telling me to just say "no" to him and move on. But I didn't, after I get back to home, I just fell on my bed and slept and when I woke up, I had such a terrible headache plus it felt like I had entered a different place; things didn't feel as good as they used to. I felt anxiety and a sense of confusion. So, I went to the terrace just to feel a bit better and I had a mental breakdown. It felt as if I am swinging between two worlds and not able to make sense of which one's right. I felt confused between two worlds; the first one which had his promises and statements and the other one which had his actions and deeds. It made no sense. And it was no less than being gaslight. This confusion, however disappeared soon coz I started to see the reality. I could finally understand that the world of his actions was the only real world and that realisation was even more painful than being in a state of confusion. It was as if my world has fallen apart. As soon as the realisation hit, I started feeling a terrible pain in my head as if my brain has been cut across in two parts. And that pain continued for the next 2.5 years. Since then, it’s been hard to trust anyone, including people of my own gender. That incident changed my view on life and relationships forever. I saw myself turn from a happy, hopeless romantic and a talkative person who's never afraid to love to someone who turned quite quiet in the recent years plus someone who finds it hard to trust in love, someone who stopped expressing love in the fear of being used or taken advantage of.