Image 1 β€” Feedback on this short story?
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Image 6 β€” Feedback on this short story?

Feedback on this short story?

I wanted to get some wise feedback from you guys on this. Is it boring, is it interesting, do you feel lied to about the first sentence at the end or is that fine, and etc etc. I tried to have it sort of stripped back almost? Like not over write, but I do tend to go too flowery in most pieces, so if you see something that's too much lmk.

Also I just skimmed it to make sure it was in the right order and I hate that I added "not like him" after not much of a fighter line. I'm gonna delete that, but I don't want to screenshot it again. So pretend that isn't there.

ALSO, I would appreciate it if you try not to be too ruthless, because I am just a wee child. Like maybe at the end just be like "but you're doing great" or smthg to make me feel better

And there might be some TWs, but I can't say what they are bc then it would spoil it. You have been warned. Nothing too graphic tho

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 6 days ago
β–² 4 r/teenwriter

Is this kinda boring? TW: (see description)

So this still needs to go through at least another edit probably, but mostly like level stuff I hope so I wanted feedback now on if the backbone of it was good. Do you get bored, do things make sense, etc etc blah blah.

Also, for the TW, if I said what it was for It would spoil it. If you have anything you don't like to read related to death I would just steer away from this

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 6 days ago

Does this seem kinda boring? TW: (see description)

So this still needs to go through at least another edit probably, but mostly like level stuff I hope so I wanted feedback now on if the backbone of it was good. Do you get bored, do things make sense, etc etc blah blah.

Also, for the TW, if I said what it was for It would spoil it. If you have anything you don't like to read related to death I would just steer away from this

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 6 days ago

16f bored again πŸ™

Just want to have interesting convos and meet interesting cool people. NOTE: I will NOT respond if you just DM with hi. Put a little more effort so we can get a conversation going plss πŸ™.

About me:

I live just outside of DC in the USA πŸ¦…πŸ”«πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ. I love to write and backpack and camp. And just generally be outside. For ex, last week I went on a canoeing camping trip. I also love to rock climb and read.

I think history is interesting, mostly bc I just finished APWorld, and I like knowing things. And I think politics are interesting, especially right now.

Fyi, I'm not gonna send my full face. Bc I don't want that out there. But I might send half of my face just so you know I'm not an 80 year old man 😊

also it's past midnight here, so I'm probably gonna be in bed and I won't answer until the morning.

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u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 9 days ago
β–² 5 r/teenwriter

Should I cut back on the end?

I feel like at the end I kinda overexplained? But it just feels like such an interesting situation, I wanted the reader to understand everything and all the ins and outs about it. And I tend to be dramatic, so there are probably some annoying lines in there. If you could point those out so I can remove them please. Or if I overwrite and get all purple.

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 1 month ago

What do you think of the end??

I feel like at the end I kinda overexplained? But it just feels like such an interesting situation, I wanted the reader to understand everything and all the ins and outs about it. And I tend to be dramatic, so there are probably some annoying lines in there. If you could point those out so I can remove them please. Or if I overwrite and get all purple.

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 1 month ago

Feedback on short story (especially the end)

I feel like at the end I kinda overexplained? But it just feels like such an interesting situation, I wanted the reader to understand everything and all the ins and outs about it. And I tend to be dramatic, so there are probably some annoying lines in there. If you could point those out so I can remove them please. Or if I overwrite and get all purple.

Also, I am but a wee child (16), so please don't be as ruthless as I've seen y'all be on here before 😭

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 1 month ago

16f, wanna talk to some interesting people

I wanna cure my boredom by talking to people 😊. Some ✨fun✨ facts about me:

I have a fresh scar and nerve damage on my leg from this past year during a stupid sledding accident

I like Noah Khan and hozier mostly, and then ofc the usual pop girlies every once in a while. But I have a summer playlist that is wildly different then the normal songs I listen to, soo ig I'm actually all over the place

I danced ballet for like 9 (?) years, but quit recently. Now I do track and field (sprinting and high jump). And I recently quit field hockey too bc the team atmosphere was ass

I'm an athiest (shocker on reddit), but more like passively so, and I am tentatively bi? Or pan? Or actually I have no idea

I lived in india for two years for my dad's work, but when I was little, so I only have about a dozen really specific memories about really stupid stuff

Okay, there ya go. I tried to make them interesting bc I'm sick of dry convos and creeps. Fyi I'm probably not gonna share my photo bc I don't wanna have my face out there on the internet. But I will send you a pic of my pinkie or smthg so you can see that it isn't an old dude's.

just DM me, no need to comment

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u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 1 month ago
β–² 49 r/teenagers

Why do we have to be so embarrassinggggg 😭😭

It feels like the US can't do a single thing anymore without being somehow obnoxious. Because of trump a lot now, but also, like, a lot of things we are known for are bad things. Like gun violence and obesity and annoyingly intense patriotism and all that. Idk man. I love my country, bc I was born here, and I know some good qualities. But lemme tell you, if I was born anywhere else... Whew

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 1 month ago

15f, and veryy bored

I'm actually gonna be 16 in like 4 days on July 1st ayy. I like to write, read, watch stuff. I do track, but not seriously, and I love to rock climb, but don't get to do it often. I live around DC in the USA, but Im currently south at the beach. Unfortunately it's raining rn, so here I am ig. DM me iyw

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u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 2 months ago

Childhood CD!

As a kid, I had this CD that I loved and could recite, and I'm trying to find it again. It was about Mozart, and it started with the sound of horse clops and pretend Mozart humming a tune. He says "do you know this tune? No?!". And I remember right after that or soon after that, he says "my name is wolfgang Amadeus mozart. I was born on the twenty something of January, something something something something. I learned to play the piano when I was 5!" Or something like that.

I don't remember what it looked like, but it's possible it was blue with a cartoon Mozart on it.

Please help meee

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u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 2 months ago
β–² 12 r/ariheads

ANALYSIS of HTIMYLM video

Alright. I just watched it and here is how I interpret everything. Right below is a quick overview. Then I get way more in depth:

Yea it's about the hater fans. He (the fans) is first burying all her pain, ignoring it, probably about fans trying to dismiss all she has been through and keep her how she was. And then she comes and haunts them in their day to day life. Destroying them. Probably about how she is existing like she is, and they are freaking out about it. Bc all she does is stand there. He crashes the car, he sets himself on fire, etc. and so then he goes and he tries to dig up the pain (either to try and get back in her good graces, or to use it against her). And that is where she gets him and buries him, saying she is done with that relationship.

In depth:

First, we see a grave and a man burying something. We assume it's a body, or something adjacent and grotesque. He finishes the job, looks tired after. He drives off.

And then we travel down, down, down, and find out what he was burying: not a body, but a room (+Ariana). The room has a bunch of boxes and notebooks. Throughout the music videos, you can read them. Some say insecurities, other say monsters, trauma, things I should have said. So, basically her pain and everything she struggles with.

So, this part of the video is saying that the fans tries to hide away the real parts of her they didn't like, that they didn't want to deal with, and leave it at that. They want to have the old Ariana, and they throw away the new one. Abandoning her.

He is shown in the car, seeing a more recent picture with a look of disgust. He rips it off and throws it out the window. But then, there she is. In the car with him. Only when he turns, terrified, she isn't there. And then she's in front of him, and he veers off, crashing the car, even though she isn't really there.

This is saying essentially that she is haunting the fans. But not trying to. She is just existing as she is, and they are going crazy about it. Bc she doesn't do anything in the video. She isn't real. It's all on their heads, and they are falling apart bc of it. This more directly shows that she is just trying to exist in her trust form, dealing with everything she has to deal with. They can't just pretend it's not there. And when she just shows up, being harmless, they collapse. They hate. They yearn for the ponytail. They are "concerned" for her. And all that bs.

And then. He goes to his house and throws out everything that was theirs. He feels betrayed that he can't just bury her away. He even throws away their 8th anniversary plate. He doesn't want anything with her anymore.

The fans are trying to erase her now. Burning everything they had with her bc they want her back from before, upset they can't have that. Even though, in a way it was their own doing. They were part of the problem which led to her growth. They even throw away the 8th anniversary, is the 8th album, bc it's now how they wanted it. They don't want this version of her, and they are willing to burn it all away.

Only then he gets burned. Again, his own doing, and he is on fire.

The fans are literally destroying themselves to cling on to the old Ari, destroying everything around them.

He stumbles into a dinner type thing all burnt up. Tries to order, but there she is again. And then there she is all over the restaurant. Only the second time he sees the waiter, the name tag reads not petal, but freak.

Obviously, this signifies again what I said before. Being haunted by this. And the freak shows that that is how they see her. A freak when they are the ones stumbling around burning.

Then, he goes back to the grave. Dogs it up this time. I'm undecided if this means they are trying to get back in her good graces, or if they are trying to dig up her insecurities to use them against her. Nevertheless, he reached it, smiles, and then once he is inside, she buried him.

She is done with this bs.

Alright this is the best I could do. Let me know if you agree, or if I got it all wrong 😬

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u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 3 months ago

Guys helppp

I am trying so hard to not over write and overexplain, which I tend to do a lot bc I'm a dramatic emotional teenager. But I still want it to be philosophical and stuff bc I'm trying to bring in influence from Dune. And you have NO IDEA how hard it has been to cut what I have, bc it all sounded so nice and profound and chills, but it did really hammer the ideas in too much.

Ig what I'm trying to say is if you could just point out if you think it gets over explaining. Or if something isnt clear. Or if you see any other issues worth mentioning

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 3 months ago

Helpp mee pt. 2 😊

I posted the beginning of this yesterday (?) and I got good feedback, but some people said it would be helpful to see the whole thing. Fyi, I haven't gone through it with the feedback yet bc I wanted to get this out there first and then compare and such.

Also, as I said before, I am a mere hs sophomore child, so I would appreciate kindness πŸ™

I think what I am working on doing in this piece is refraining from over explaining too much, which I don't lot I feel like. I still wanted to have some more philosophical type thought in there (some influence from Dune which I am reading rn), but I did cut out some of the sections that I thought over explained too much. Which was hard bc they sounded nice, and I'm a dramatic emotional teenager, sooo... But I did my best.

Ig what I'm saying is if you see over explaining parts, point them out so I can figure out how to cut enough out so the point still gets across. Or if there is something that isn't clear enough

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 3 months ago

Helpp mee

This is the beginning of a short story for my lit mag class, but there is something wrong with it. Idk what exactly it is, but it feels kind of blocky maybe? Or tryhard-y? Idkk. I can't figure it out. Also, keep in mind that I'm a hs sophomore, so don't be too mean pls πŸ˜­πŸ™

u/StrongQuiet8329 β€” 3 months ago