u/Strubo-

Hello all, I’m hoping some of you can give this naive man some well needed advice or some knowledge from your own experiences 😂😂

I’ve not been in the dating world at all really as I had a partner for 12 years (high school sweethearts that drifted apart) so unfamiliar with how fucked up modern dating is nowadays… ANYWAY I started dating again last year and met a woman I really liked. I could tell she really liked me, we got on amazing, loved hanging out, laughed and joked and flirted all time, sex was incredible and building towards meeting parents, did a city break weekend away together and were planning going on holiday together in summer just past… it was all going amazing but I think I now missed some signs.

‘I wish you were my boyfriend’
‘You’re the first man to treat me so good’
‘I like you so so much’
‘You’re the first man to remember such small details about me’
‘You’re the first man to know this’
‘You’re the first man to make me cum this way (from head and hands)’
‘I have the most respect for you out of any man’

Now at the time I was naive to this being a bad thing until I read online that if they say ‘you’re the first man to…’ you should run and never look back. I didn’t understand but it seems pretty universal over on twitter? Wondering if it’s the same here? At the time I assumed it’s a great thing… but looking back now I’m wondering. She said she’d been in toxic past relationships, she is very much a ‘man hater’ type, ‘only slept with under 10 guys’ and some of the reels she’d like on Instagram were pretty ‘don’t need no man’ central… anyway needless to say with my rose tinted glasses on and seeing she looked like Sydney Sweeney’s twin I didn’t clock it especially when she was so nice to me until a random Tuesday she needed space and wanted to end things for no apparent reason other than ‘I’m (she) not stable’

Since learned she’s taking Xanax for her nightmares I know she’s had some mental health problems and pills in the past and is now seeing a psychologist… but she went so cold to me out of nowhere… she has said ‘you did nothing wrong’ and it’s true because I did have genuine intentions with her…

I guess my question is… is it a bullet dodged?? Because part of me would have liked to see her again because it felt genuine but I’ve not reached out now for 2 months… despite her interacting with my socials and her texting occasionally but just liking her texts and me staying distant is beginning to feel like a bit of a dick move…chemistry and like for eachother was evidently there but wow rollercoaster lmao

I (m29) was seeing (f25) for around 8 months. We had the same look on life, values aligned everything was absolutely perfect… I’m not sure I believe in love at first meet but that’s the closest I’ve ever felt in believing it. When I’m talking intensity and chemistry like nothing I’ve ever experienced before that was it, couldn’t keep our hands off each-other every night, we’d talk 8am- midnight every day texts calls when apart you name it. Never had a fight, never a serious argument. And here’s where it happens….

Monday same as usual flirting joking making plans for a trip to Montenegro in 2 months time… go to sleep wake up Tuesday (she wakes up earlier that day) no morning text… think nothing of it probably busy but by evening I’ve heard nothing and send a light text asking how the day was to a response ‘I just need to be alone’. Respected it waited a couple days heard nothing so checked in making sure all was okay ‘yes I just need to be alone right now’. So I left it… waited another 5 days send a light reel she’d find funny as we always did and she just liked it no response to which I ended up asking ‘hey just need you to let me know if you’re done with me? I hope you’re alright’ a reply of ‘I think it’s for the best good luck with your exams’

Now to say that came out of nowhere and being shocked was an understatement but no contact didn’t quite start there we both wished eachother happy birthday and she’s asked what I was doing in London once and we talked on the phone for a bit she told me she was having seriously bad nightmares couldn’t sleep (she’s taking prescribed Xanax now) and seeing a psychologist, doesn’t know where she’ll be in 5 years time etc. now fair enough your probably thinking that’s why but to happen over night?? And the one thing that we both adored in the world was eachother and she pushed me away? It felt like I’d done something wrong but knew I hadn’t… I’d of worshiped the ground she walked on yet here we are… any text I’ve sent since she’s barely replied to and hasn’t asked how I am more than one time since. It’s been 4 months since ending and no contact for a month now although she still likes my posts and stories occasionally…. Why what do I do?

Because I want her back in my life but I also have self respect. And I wouldn’t care if it was just any person but she actually was and felt different…

Any advice??

As the title suggests I’m completely in the dark about all this, truth be told I never heard of the term avoidant until very recently. Forgive the long story but I’m basically wondering where to go what to do or just hear if anyone’s experienced similar to my own experience because I’m pretty down about it all. I (29M) and her (25F) met online (tiktok of all places lmao) I travel a lot and take lots of photos in different countries and she obviously stumbled across and liked a few of them. Needless to say she was absolutely stunning and seeing she was from Belguim where I had been recently I ‘slid in the DMs’ mentioned how nice Brugge and Ghent were… smooth I know 🤣. But truthfully it was genuinly just me being polite making convo more than anything as I’m from the uk and she seemed to have a similar interest. Anyway from the get go our convo carried on for days about everything and anything and I’d jokingly said I wasn’t sure if I should message her because she is that good looking I thought it’s surely a catfish to which she’d laugh and say ‘why’d you think I liked all your posts I wanted you to message me’ jackpot.

Days turned into months of constant 7am-1am texts and phone calls and we both ended up realising we liked each other but we had the convo about distance fairly early which she said it was maybe best we stopped but we ended up seeing if we could make it work. She’d often say ‘I wish you were my bf’ etc but that was never going to happen before we met. I’ve never done distance before but been with enough women and long term relationships to know what was genuine and this was. Anyway after about 4 months we agreed to meet for a weekend away together. Chemistry incredible, laughed joked walked around the city went for meals did the ‘deed’ about 6/7 times in the 2 days together 😂 both so happy she even remarked ‘I feel like you’ve been my bf of 2 years already’ that’s how comfortable we were. Everything was great. She had tears in her eyes when I had to go to the airport, text constantly journey back and FaceTimed when home she’d been crying all day said her hormones were everywhere. It was like sad but happy sad.

Anyway for about a month and a half after everything was same as before texts calls, planning our next ten day holiday, her visiting the uk, plans to meet her parents in France with her, I’d say hello to her parents and sister over FT etc so it was going well. Was planning how to properly asked her to be my GF on our next trip which was weeks away. Then over night didn’t get a morning text so text later in the day checking in and she said she needed some space as work was hell. This didn’t concern me because we’d taken odd evenings off when things got busy for both of us before. Couple days passed still needed space and after about a week where I’d kind of get the same reply I messaged and she’d just like it and not respond to which I kind of just came out with ‘hey just want to know are you done with me’ or along that lines and she said she thinks it’s for the best as she’s back on meds and can’t sleep

(Background she’d gone to psychologists in the past with stress and was addicted to Xanax medication and she’d been given them again to help her sleep, I knew this about her previously but anyway she was given meds again as she was waking up from nightmares couldn’t sleep waking up crying etc)

So I left it a few more days and we did call a few days later to her explaining all this and that she doesn’t even want to be around her own family as well as she doesn’t want to make me wait to know were she’ll be as she’s kind of going through a career change or planning to but she was crying the whole time on the phone to me. I genuinely felt sorry for her but didn’t know what to do. I wanted to honour her space but also wanted her to know I’m there for her, said what I needed to say but she just said I couldn’t help her.

Now this is where I’m kind of at because any time I was stressed she’s the one person that could make me forget all that, but I’m not the same her it would seem. I self doubted, wondered if I did something wrong despite her saying repeatedly I had not and ‘your the man I have the most respect for’. But that doubts still in my head. Honestly a connection that strong makes me want to do anything to get her back but I don’t know what to do/say if anything at all. That was a month or two ago now and except from the odd message and her liking a story of mine. The last two weeks has been no contact which is hard. I’m hurt. But I seen her liking stuff on Instagram reels about being an Avoidant and that’s where I heard about this stuff. The traits seem to line up perfectly with what it describes.

I can’t even describe the pain because I’d of done almost anything to help her, even if I couldn’t really do anything except be around. She’s genuinely the most beautiful, kind, caring woman in the world. I’d worship the ground she walked on.

I don’t say this lightly because I’ve been in enough relationships that I really felt there was potential despite the circumstances. If anyone’s got any advice or experience please let me know.

If anyone could help it’d be great I recently wanted to start doing travel vlogs but I have no idea what GoPro to get I was thinking the hero 11 as I want good quality but I’m not strapped for cash. Any suggestions? Or tips

So I guess I’m using this as a way to rant and discuss and it’s not something I’d openly speak about with those close to me. But I met this woman (through tiktok of all places lol) who had liked my photos from travelling etc and got talking, at first it was very chill but quickly started liking eachother a lot. I’m talking multiple messages every hour of the day 3/4+ hour video calls etc. problem was she lived in belguim and I’m in the uk. She was the first one to say she really liked me and i could tell we both felt the same by the way we’d talk and acts of kindness through other stuff. We met after about 4 months of talking in Amsterdam had really great time, amazing sex about 6/7 times over the 2 days. Everything was perfect, never connected in a way with someone like this. She’s genuinely stunning, kind, sweat and it’s not just the things she does or says it’s the way she does it to me. It felt different and we were so gutted we had to leave she was crying and even the next day she was crying with her hormones all over the shop. After about 3/4 weeks I knew she had a lot of work and was quite a stresser at the best of times so we naturally talked and text less. Eventually she said she needed to be alone and i respected that but would check in occasionally. Video call every now and then and she just looked soul destroyed crying. Then after maybe two or three days of not talking I asked if she was finished with me and she said she thinks it’s for the best because of the age we both are, living apart and work etc. it was hard to take and even now 3 weeks later I still think of her every day but I know she doesn’t want anything so I’m naturally gutted and don’t know what to do. I said how much I liked her and want to make it work but she just doesn’t want it.

I don’t know what to do as I think she might have been the one. I know I’m not over romanticising it as I’ve been in relationships and slept with people before I know this was different and she genuinely liked me but I just don’t know why or what I did for it to change over night. I can’t stop thinking about what I did wrong or how I can win her back but obviously in this generation I don’t want to look desperate which I ain’t. I wouldn’t ever chase, but she feels different and i feel like now I’ll regret not managing it. As far as breaking up goes it wasn’t a falling out, she couldn’t of been nicer about it and I understand the reasons too but my god it hurts

If anyone could help it’d be great I recently wanted to start doing travel vlogs but I have no idea what GoPro to get I was thinking the hero 11 as I want good quality but I’m not strapped for cash. Any suggestions? Or tips