I (19F) broke up with my LDR bf (19M) because of my insecurities and bad mental health, but I feel like I made a big mistake. Was my decision correct?
Hey guys, I’m not very good at writing this so I’m sorry if I’m bad at this. This was my first ever relationship.
I (19f) broke up with my LDR bf (19M) because I constantly felt like I wasn’t able to give him the bare minimum. He always asked for talking on calls, sending him pictures of me, talking to him more but I just couldn’t do it because I constantly felt suffocated. I’m a very insecure person and we had a huge falling out at the beginning of our relationship because of this. When we weren’t dating (just talking and flirting all day, all the time and I MEAN all the time because we we about to start college and had nothing to do) I felt like he was the one I wanted all along but a month later he revealed that he was actively trying to pursue other women on hinge because he never thought we would be together ever and that his friends convinced and forced him to be on a dating app even when he didn’t want to.
I felt completely shattered and betrayed because I always thought that he was my perfect charming kind bf and I felt that he could’ve just denied his friends if he really didn’t want to. I felt like the only reason he was in a “relationship” with me (even if it was a talking stage) it was only because I was available and maybe he found comfort in talking to me. We talked and fought a lot over this but the resentment that I had built up in me never really went away.
One time when he was in college, there was a girl that was clearly interested in him (it was clear to him too) yet he spent time with her (studying at the library, talking to her etc - only friendly things tho). But this kind of behaviour triggered my insecurities so bad that I would cry myself to sleep at night for a long time. I didn’t tell him about this until later cause I felt like I would’ve been super controlling to tell him to stop talking to her completely. I did tell him about it like a week later because and he completely respected my needs and stopped talking to her. But I always felt like he only stopped because I told him to stop, not because he could see that it was hurting me a lot (which I don’t blame him for since I didn’t tell him until quiet a while later). Then the fights started happening a lot because he wanted my attention and I slowly lost interest in talking to him about anything because the fights drained me a lot. I know a person who truely loves can never really give up on a relationship but there were a lot of tipping points for me when I would have the worst day (bc of my abusive family) and I would never talk to him about it because he wouldn’t respond in the way I wanted him to. He was really good at helping me with stuff like this but after a while I just couldn’t talk to him and I don’t really know why. He would get really upset too because I would never want to talk to him about my feelings or what I was thinking because I had never known how to talk about my feelings. We would break up a lot (I would initiate it all the time) and then get back together because I missed him so much and I knew we loved each other a lot. But this time I don’t think I have the strength to go through that again because I know he inherently thinks that I took the easy way out by giving up on all that we had (we were together for almost a year, I broke up with him very close to our first year anniversary).
Please let me know if I made the right decision or if I should text him again. I don’t think I would ever want a relationship again (or at least for a long time) because if how hard this relationship felt and if I did want one I would only want him to be the one for me.
Another huge reason I missed was that when we met irl for the first time, it was so awkward that I didn’t feel even remotely sexually attracted to him even though I knew I loved him for sure and we did have a huge fight over this because I was pretty mean to him ( I told him that he needs to loose weight for me to be attracted to him)
I feel like I made a right decision but it still hurts so much because I miss him and think about him ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Thank you so much for reading this, please let me know !😭😭