u/Suitable-Data1189

So, the person who informed me that burdened parts are exiles also made a comment about firefighters often being connected to managers, and that the managers could be self-like parts...

Well, thanks again!

This firefighter is being "managed" by THREE parts... and she doesn't like that! We're really on the move now.

I had a couple of unexpected breakthroughs, and now I have a lot of inner work to do. I think this might help with my narcolepsy and migraine symptoms.

I love the people in this group. You all are almost always very compassionate, and say the most insightful things.

Whoever told me the difference between managers/firefighters/parts with jobs, and exiles before I did the thing where I delete everything, thanks. It's like I knew the difference, but I didn't. It's an important distinction that I had muddled.

What happened was... A part I didn't realize/understand was an exile became unburdened and integrated.

I was happy and posted about it. I included that I'm an immersive/maladaptive daydreamer.

Someone hijacked my celebratory post to talk about maladaptive daydreaming being unhealthy. It made this one firefighter super angry, especially since I'd told the person I didn't need that in that moment. It wasn't the time or place for it. That fact about me was part of the story, but not something I felt like elaborating on. They made it about their need to discuss it, and then basically told me my being upset was entirely on me.

I have been working very hard to feel like I'm allowed to create a space for myself. The part that had recently integrated was created specifically because of always being shut down and pushed out of spaces, including being pushed out of my own self curated spaces and experiences. And from having been bullied and always being blamed for being upset, and told that I should just learn not to let things upset me, making everyone else's behavior toward me my personal reaponsibility. Her role had become to just fly under the radar, smile, let people feel important, stay low. It seems like sometimes people come along and act like it's impossible to know how to show basic consideration. It felt unfair to have to manage this same situation immediately upon sharing that this part finally felt safe. I feel absolutely raw.

I also then got upset with myself that I didn't realize that the fact that part was unburdened meant she had been an exile, and I had never recognized that. So, even though people were being very nice, I felt stupid, so I deleted. I struggle with shutting down. I know there's a manager there, etc. I then deleted the previous post, and the one before that. I don't really know why.

When people anger me, I make a point of responding with compassion. But I'm very exhausted from always filtering my anger and dismay through a rosy filter. I really hate arguing - It is also so exhausting. There's never a winner. I'm so tired.

I'll probably end up deleting this.

Yesterday, I was really excited about unburdening a part. As far as I can tell, her whole job is to be joyous and creative, but she had been bogged down with needing to keep a low profile and make everyone around her feel more important. She was kind of the result of, oh, anything I tried to be happy about being pissed on and turned around to make me feel like trash, especially my own accomplishments.

She was very closely guarded by a firefighter who is a fire elemental + Amazon warrior type/demon with a spear. The fire warrior is still there, and I have felt either blended with her or like she is very close a lot of the time. And I've been negotiating with her to not just go off on people when they make her mad, but it's literally giving me a horrible headache.

I need to find a way to show the fire warrior that she is appreciated and not entirely unwelcome, without just screaming, cursing, and breaking something. This isn't an angry child part that I can just talk to about inside voices. This is an adult part that is ready for a fight. I don't want to explode at percieved slights while I'm learning how to not be extremely non-confrontational.

Yesterday, I had a therapy session, and last night I experienced a spontaneous unburdening/integration of a part.

I had been working on viewing myself as present - as a real person who is here, and matters. She's an important creative part, but she was burdened with always tiptoing around others, not making waves, not being percieved as a real presence. I felt the moment in therapy where she suddenly felt safe to be percieved, but I didn't realize how profound the effect was until several hours later. Using my lucky ability to be completely absorbed in daydreams, she got my attention, and made it very clear that she was ready.

At first, I felt nothing, and wondered if it wasn't just wishful thinking. But today, as evening nears, a sense of peace has washed over me.

Whenever someone makes an interesting post here and I try to comment, it's like my brain resets/switches "modes". Whatever part I'm blended with checks out and/or I suddenly blend with a part that says, "This has got nothing to do with me!"

Suddenly, I can't remember the subject at hand. Whatever I'm in the middle of saying becomes rambling nonsense. I just can't connect the dots.

I have thoughts like, "It was self-important for me to think anyone wanted my opinion, anyway," or, "I was probably in danger of oversharing."

Sometimes I go ahead and share whatever I have written so far, and hope it isn't too incoherent. Sometimes I just feel deflated or suddenly apathetic and delete. It's really aggravating.

(Techno Fists, lvl 69)

(TL;DR Need advice on getting better scores in Elite Contracts)

Okay, I'm a little frustrated with current elite contracts. I always just automatically connect with a group. I did the first two on the current track (Double Or Nothing), and had four stars on both. I also was the one who did both the most damage and the most healing.

The third one, no matter who I was teamed up with, we were defeated within seconds. My last try, it immediately looked like we were about to go down again, so I decided to just keep the other person healed. We finished with two stars.

They made an angry emote, and shot at me several times before the screen changed, which I assume means they were irritated and felt I didn't do my job, because I didn't do enough damage.

I kind of wish I just had a regular group to strategize with, because I'm always basing my interactions on previous team-ups. But I also have staggering social anxiety, so I don't know. I don't have the same amount of overall gaming experience as a lot of other people, and gamers can be really brutal when you make mistakes.

Anyway, who is getting five stars on elite contracts, and do you have any advice? Especially if you prefer techno fists!

My health insurance has fought me tooth and nail for years. I have gone months without migraine meds before. And it took me years to get them in the first place, as doctors kept telling me to go take some Exedrin (as if I hadn't tried that).

Well, I finally got my doctors and insurance on board a few years back, and I have a good neurologist who has me on a schedule: Daily meds, break-through meds, and quarterly botox treatments.

But the pharmacy started calling ME to set up their delivery to the doctor's office. The first few times, I asked them to set it up with the doctor's office, but they argued with me. So for about three years, they've been calling me, and every time, they try to set up the delivery date for AFTER my procedure. And when I tell them this, they don't seem to understand that it's a procedure, and act like it's a box of pills showing up a day late, so I get, "Well, this is just how it has to be."

This time, I was unable to get them to change it, so I called the doctor's office to reschedule. I speak to the receptionist (I guess), and he's like, "Wait, the pharmacy has been calling YOU!?"

Me: "Without fail. An' I gotta tell ya, it's giving me a migraine!"

Him: "That's funny, because the same pharmacy called me three times today... to schedule drop-offs three months in advance!"

Well, I rescheduled, and apparently this guy was ready to give someone a talking to, so maybe I don't have to deal with this headache anymore. Pun intended. Dealing with migraines IS a headache!

At last, I got my test scheduled! Now I'm suddenly worried I'm going to find out I'm a narcolepsy faker. The rest of this is sort of a vent. I'm having a lot of health anxiety.

Stimulants didn't workout for me at all. My doctor said it's because I have ADHD. I took them for a while, but then my symptoms started getting a lot worse. So I stopped, and within a few weeks felt better than when this all started? I haven't even had a cataplexy attack in weeks, and as far as I can tell, I'm not having a lot of hypnogogic hallucinations. (I guess I should add, I'm taking caffiene pills. I don't feel great about that.)

I know, really only people with narcolepsy have cataplaxy. I'm worried it's psychogenic, which a lot of doctors seem to think would be better because, as far as they're concerned, that means it's "fake", and I could just stop at will. I mean, that right there is the issue with psychogenic symptoms. Everyone treats you like an attention seeking a-hole.

I took an online quiz for chronic fatigue - something I've never been assessed for - and had like 90% of the symptoms. I don't drive, as it is too dangerous. I don't have a regular job because I make so many mistakes that I could avoid just by being awake - But instead I would always get myself in trouble for being careless. Also, when I had a job, I couldn't do anything outside of work. I have a very small window of wakefulness per day.

I'll get my test soon. My original diagnosis was based on symptoms AND family history. I'll be curious to see the results.

I don't understand why, when I say a part is nonverbal, people assume it is a child part, or call it pre-verbal. Most of my parts are non-verbal, including adult and/or ageless parts.

To be fair, most of my thoughts are nonverbal. I only have verbal thoughts if I focus on creating verbal thoughts, which I might do to help map out and articulate specific ideas that I need to communicate to others (others being people outside of myself, or parts that I'm making an effort to communicate with.)

I don't know if my experience is atypical because of my lack of inner monologue or what.

I recently met a child part, and I was so happy to get in touch with him. He needs to feel seen, and when he doesn't, he throws mighty tantrums. One of these tantrums came out of me recently, and I realized he really contributes to anger issues I've struggled with from time to time. But, when I understood the tantrum, I didn't want to chastise him.

He's an exile, I guess. I've been working with a highly critical manager for months to be able to talk to him. So when this tantrum happened, I didn't want to say, "That was bad. You shouldn't have thrown a tantrum." I knew if he got in "trouble", he would disappear again.

This one manager has been trying to keep me from getting into any situations that might upset him, because the tantrums leak through, and then I feel ashamed and spiral. I don't think I could have communicated with him without experiencing a tantrum.

I told him that we live in two worlds: An inside world, and an outside world. In the Inside world, I said, throw all the tantrums you need. I won't get mad at you. Sometimes I want to throw tantrums, too. In the Outside world, we share a body, and it's a grown-up body, so people expect grown-up behavior. It doesn't feel fair, but the Outside is just different that way. You can be Outside all you want, but we should try to be calm there, like a grown-up.

Well... then of course he points out to me that grown-ups aren't calm at all, and that sometimes they scream and hit. But, we don't want to be like those grown-ups. We want to be like the grown-ups we wish we had growing up.

He said he wants parents. I told him I'll be his parents, but that my spouse cannot be his parent. He doesn't understand why my spouse can't be his parent, and I tried explaining again about Inside vs Outside. Inside, there are lots of parts who can be your parent. But there aren't more parents outside. All your parents are right here.

When I just think about it, I cry. I understand why he's so sad. I've always felt this deep well of sorrow and emptiness that feels like it should be able to be filled by other people's love, other people's caring, other people's reassurance. But that well is a black hole. This part is the one who carries that well.

Now I constantly feel him at my side. He wants me to prove I'm paying attention to him. I'm doing my best.

So, I made a 3 level parkour maze for a party, and it turned out to be annoyingly harder than intended. I built in some shortcuts and cheats, so when people fall into my maze pit, they don't have to completely start over... if they figure out which way to go.

​

I started a party, and several people joined. After about five minutes, most players would drop out. One superstar made it all the way through.

​

If anyone wants to try, the code is mazefriend, but I'm not always online. I'm on the US server, and I'm on mountain time. I figure I'll try again for the next few nights - say around 9PM MT? I set up a little photo booth at the end with a trophy. Might be fun! I'll likely be AFK.

This might upset some people, but that isn't my intention. I know an lot of religious people.

I know a lot of people who have said, "God TOLD me..."

They weren't hearing voices. They would describe it as having a very strong feeling, having a conversation in their head, or being overcome with vivid mental images. They would say they KNEW it was God. They felt his presence. They would describe God as living in their hearts - figuratively, or almost literally- the way I would describe a part or feeling as existing in a specific location in or around my body (This one is strong for me. I experience thoughts, emotions, and parts, very spacially.)

I'm not saying anything about the validity of spirituality, or whether or not people can communicate with God. That's not for me to say. But the things I've heard people insist God told them over the years...

A woman who said God told her not to leave her abusive husband, because it was a sin.

A "friend" who used to tell me God told him I was acting out in sinful ways when he wasn't around (although it is a mystery to me if he believed what he was saying, or just wanted to f\*\*\* with me.)

A minister who kept joining ministries because God told him to, then leaving almost immediately... because God told him to.

I used to feel I had a God voice, too. Some people might have called it a conscience, but I think it was a manager part that had to change how they presented after I renounced the church. This was a part that reminded constantly that thinking for myself was sinful - because this part saw my intellectual independence as dangerous. It was, after all, at one time!

I wonder how many people have God-like parts that are managing trauma this way. It definitely gives a person the illusion of control, even while the fear of wronging such a part is so painful. As we do in this community, I will reiterate the phrase, "There are no bad parts."

When I faced this part, I wasn't aware of IFS. I just knew that I was basically in an abusive relationship with what I percieved to be God, and I said so out loud. That was when my journey of healing from religious trauma began.

The more I do this, the more I see other people being imprisoned by parts that are so burdened with trying to keep them safe from harm, and I soften towards them.

Heck, maybe this is already a thing. I haven't Googled it yet.

It's like one part says, "Oh, I should share all these thoughts! Maybe someone will have had a similar experience, and I'll learn something from them. Or maybe I'll help someone!" This part doesn't want to be anywhere else. The outside world is dangerous.

Another part says, "No, this is terrible. What if my therapist runs across this? What if someone recognizes me? I need to take these posts down."

It feels like there's always a negotiation going on, and I have to be careful not to say anything too personal. I deleted my last two posts, and feel bad about it, because people had made really thoughtful comments.

It seems like it's always different in every game, and it's something players pick up from each other, but I always tend to miss the general vibe... I have a couple of questions about game ediquette, because it seems like sometimes groups stick together, and other times it's a free-for-all.

Is it possible to kill-steal, or is everything a joint effort? It seems like helping with kills is good in this game, but I've played games where it upset people, so I'm never sure what I should be doing.

So far, I love how the players will come and get you when you die, even though you'd be back in a few seconds anyway, and even when everyone is doing their own thing. It felt really cool when players were working together, but when they were more "free range" I thought maybe I should stick to myself. If you're soloing, do you appreciate other players running with you for a minute or two to heal and zap the big guys, or do you want to be left alone? If you wind up on a map where everyone is moving together like a hive mind, do you avoid running off by yourself to finish that last quest? I know I'm overthinking it, but that's what I do.

I deleted, because this isn't as vague as I prefer, but I'm posting again because I've reached a complicated hurdle.

Some of my parts are holding trauma from an accident that put me in a coma for four days when I was a child.

I'm narcoleptic, and have really been struggling to stay awake even more than usual lately, even on my meds. I think it's related to a part who gives the impression he remembers being in a coma, and being aware, but unable to move or see for four days. I certainly have no recollection of this.

Anyway, he's stuck in a very weak, nearly unconscious state, and I think his surfacing is compounding my symptoms.

As I go through therapy, the way I define my gender has changed.

My parts vary in gender, and many of them are gender fluid. I have had some who feel strongly about their gender, and some who feel strongly about having no gender. A child part wanted to be acknowledged as gender fluid, but didn't use that term. (That term wasn't widely popularized until I was in my thirties.) They were angry that they were expected to be a girl all the time, and never acknowledged when they were being a boy.

Although I'm generally apathetic about gender, I've felt drawn to a particular dress style that I think clocks as very feminine to people. It doesn't seem like any part specifically disapproves of this style, and most fully embrace it. But I sometimes get a thought or feeling of, "Nobody can see when I'm a boy." Or, "Everyone sees a woman, so they'll never see me."

I'm not sure if I've already made a post about this, but sometimes I just mentally "reset". Suddenly I have no recollection of what is going on, why I am feeling a particular way, and so on. It almost feels like I just took over for someone else.

I think some people would call that switching, but I haven't actually read or heard that term in the context of experiencing IFS therapy for myself.

Is this a common experience? My official diagnosis is C-PTSD.

I've noticed when I speak with my verbal parts, they refer to me as the name of another part, depending on which one I'm talking to. I think I must be blended with a particular part, and the part I'm talking to sees me as being the part I'm blended with. But I don't know that I'm blended. I just think I'm me. My verbal parts used to call me one name, then they started switching between two names. Then a really big part integrated. Then the other parts started calling me the name of a part I hadn't paid much attention to (because I write characters a lot, and I never realize when they actually represent parts, even though that is always.) So now, I guess I'm spending a lot of time blended with this part, which is nice because one of my really critical parts won't pick on this one.

This is so weird though, because I still just feel like me, but I MUST be blended with this other part, who is a child part. It makes sense, because people in my real life naturally protect me and care for me, and it's always made me uncomfortable, but lately I've just been accepting it. I thought it was just because I'm chronically ill and exhausted, but it might also be that this part feels more comfortable with everyone protecting her. I know for sure, every part I've met (even the one who had a massive system of protectors) protects and cares after her... and right now I am her, I guess.

I don't know why people either hate me or protect me. I guess I must be childlike, even though it's not my intention. I can't focus whether or not that's wrong right now. I'm so emotionally battered. I just want to heal, so I'm very fortunate and grateful for my real-life army of protectors.

My therapist never says, "What would this part say...?"

I often see people say their therapists prompt them this way, and that it doesn't help them, because they don't know what that part would say. My therapist doesn't do that.

She will look at my reaction to parts, or very clear messages from parts, and talk about why that has come up. I feel I'm making a ton of progress with her guidance. I'm surprised this doesn't seem to be the most common approach.