u/Sure-Variety-9704

I was just half asleep.

I've got into a bit of a routine? Need? To spend a bit of time rocking in quiet before I can sleep. Very soothing helps me decompress.

I'd just done this and got to sleep

Then my phone rang. It's on so vibrate. I automatically answered it... It was my mum.

She was talking. I was half asleep and every sound was making me feel overwhelmed.

I felt guilty cause I love her and do care but it was too much.

I said so and she was upset. Now feel very guilty because I just couldn't not go...

So I felt like a horrid human and then combined with the overwhelm. Too much.

I now feel the energy inside of me (shutdown /meltdown) and it feels more meltdown... Energy coming out, frustration, upset so on.

Sorry still in it

I tried rocking again and movement but isn't working. Trying to sleep and I can feel everything on me. I feel like everything is too much but I'm so tired

Combined with everything I don't know how I haven't had a full meltdown yet. I can't take much more. My system is at capacity and yet I feel more shutdown than anything.

I am not explaining well. I'm tired.

It's all too much. I feel everything.

Yet imposter syndrome shames

I'm learning to recognise and reconnect to myself but god it's hard.

Does this make any sense?

Sorry I'm not always miserable ha just seems to be more so right now

I've been off work for almost 3 months for burnout. Just got my autism diagnosis (paperwork and whatnot in about 4 weeks).

I'm due back to work in around 3 weeks. I'm hoping to add 4 weeks on so I can figure something out and get everything in place...

Anyways the issue is that where I work I can't see any way to make adjustments.

I work in a fast paced, loud, busy, bright and demanding role.

There are 3 jobs - Baking. Production. Service.

My main role is service so I'll start there. We are expected to serve each customer in a couple mins and often it is very very busy. I'm often moving so fast I shake and feel dizzy. The lights are stupidly bright and it's very loud. Before I went off it was overwhelming.... I don't think I could do it now.

Baking. Requires physical effort and memory plus keeping up with demand. There is more control as not customer facing but environment is the same.

Production I can see the most flexibility. You work alone upstairs so that reduces noise/people. And you could make adjustments there. However production has targets that I consistently don't meet (have been told off many times for being slow) also it requires getting up at 5am which I don't think I can do anymore.

So basically.... If I go back I'd have to sacrifice myself and any progress I've made. Just the idea of going back into that environment is stressing me out.

I am going to have to try and see if benefits are an option or something because going back there will kill me. I keep burning out every 3 years (been there 6) and this is my 2nd full burnout. I can't cope there.

I want to get another job but I suck at interviews as it is but at the moment I don't have the ability to do them...if I could even get one.

It's just frustrating because I'm scared of what this means. Going back means paying bills and being ok but also would mean I'd collapse.

Lots to think about and try and figure out....

It's official I've been diagnosed.

This is a lot to process.

It's good

It's overwhelming

It's something

I have struggled so much for so long not because I was broken but because I am Autistic. My younger self went through so much.... I'm struggling to word this all right now.

Wow

I am Autistic

I still feel a bit fake?? Years of doubt, shame, misunderstanding and guilt etc I suppose.

​

Everything is popping like little fireworks in my mind... Everything makes sense.

I know all of the things and I am sure but I kinda messed up...

I went to see my grandparents and a friend over a few days. Haven't been social in months ha.Anyways it was lovely but exhausting.

I'm now stuck feeling drained and I need to think about my appointment tomorrow. There's so much I could say.

I'm also realising that I've been looking at Autism from an AMAB perspective but as a trans man I'm now reading The Lost Girls of Autism and a few other bits and it's just all clicked. My identity issues etc all make sense. I've always struggled with my sense of self. I feel like a massive light bulb has come on and everything in my life has just made sense. Now just need to try and get this across tomorrow...

Had a counceliing session today and half way through felt my brain say "that's enough". I communicated really well the other day and today it was a mostly jumbled mess.

I'm trying to do look into things as I have some session discus points for tomorrow and I'm struggling to organise my thoughts..

Non verbal communication ie humour

Stimming

Change/transitions

Routines

Hobbies special interests

Sensory experience

I have pages and pages of notes and such it's just thinking of specific examples and assignment to the correct point?

I'm findings it hard to think about rhe non verbal social cue stuff because I literally just realised I've been winging it my. Whole life and have no idea what I'm doing. I can't explain this? My humour is just observational, dark humour stating the obvious in a dead pan or mocking tone. Sometimes I don't mean to be funny but apparently I am.

I genuinely am so confused about the reading between the lights, non verbal social cues etc I think I've been mirroring. I just know what keeps people happy and what pisses people off but I'm lost.

Gosh my brain hurts 🤯

Idk I'm just overwhelmed, tired and over thinking because I want to get this right.

Just off loading but if anyone has thoughts and/or advice thanks massively in advance.

I'm struggling with shame and whatnot.

I had arrangements to meet a friend. Friend cancelled. Logically I understand.

I often doubt myself and for years have pushed through feelings to protect others and myself from stuff.

My lips feel numb, my lips feel heavy.... Everything feels heavy body wise.

Sat in a dark room. Sound blocked out. With fave blanket /comfort item to smell has brought me back a bit.

I feel zoned out. Mind is more empty than usual (usually million thoughts talking to myself). In past silence = danger. Not looking happy = danger so allowing myself to feel this fully isn't something that comes with fear and shame.

I keep. Thinking stop being silly and whatever but this is real. I just have a lot of shame.

How do i trust my feelings/experiences when I've shoved them away mosf of the time or muted their impact on others... Am I making up this?

I feel like my mouth is shut. My brain is struggling to type.

Meltdowns feel undeniable and obviously but this usually learnt to smile and fake a level of beibg there but I live alone and I'm realising I'm Autistic... Etc. Sorry struggling to think.

Can't explain myself properly right now but any advice on shut downs would be great.

TL:DR I had my first appointment for my autism assessment. Lots came up, looked at stuff after and everything is clicking into place. I see the pain I've been through. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to tell my psychologist everything and get missed.

I'm currently at the beginning of a private assessment. I've had one session

Since then I've been thinking about what we discussed and doing some research. I'm now realising how many social cues I've missed and how many things I've misunderstood... Also how many things I don't know about.

I've spent my whole life feeling broken and like everyone else had something I don't. I've been looking back over videos /pictures (don't have many videos) etc and I see it plain as day. I can't fully explain but I see stuff I've never seen before... I am realising how much I've struggled.

I've been through many shifts in identity and I still always felt wrong awkward and alone. I have changed myself so many times and still do in certain circumstances (I describe myself as a chameleon) and I see that pain in a new light.

Anyways I'm now stuck Ruminating because things are popping like fireworks in my head of "ohhh" and so on. I am hyper focused on this... I. Like to figure things out. Ok well I HAVE to my brain won't stop until I do. I keep forgetting to eat etc.

Something about your whole life suddenly making sense that feels rather big to process. Still feel a lot of shame/guilt/denial and fear of what if I can't get everything across and they say nope. I know I'm not an expert but I'm starting to feel like I know I'm Autistic... I just fear that I won't be validated on this.

I sent an email to my psychologist (she said I could) explaining some things and I also wrote a 5 page document (didn't send that ha).

I'm allowing myself to be more unmasked with her because normally I say things are fine and try not to be "too much". But in this case too much means telling her what's needed.

I'm just so worried I haven't explained things well enough or missed stuff out.

I feel this need to tell her everything and fear that if I don't I've not been honest.

Lots of feelings Idk how to explain now (always been an issue).

Does anyone know if they just focus on what you say or do they also look at the way you communicate or something else?

Any advice on this or whatnot would be massively appreciated. Thanks!

Hi,

TL;DR - Struggling to accept that I am likely autistic. Not sure how to feel and what to do. Work feels impossible. In burnout. Looking for support /advice.

I believe I'm likely Autistic.

This is the third time in 10 years I've tried to process this but often end up going into denial. Anyways Long story...

I'm off work for burnout /stress. Have been for a few months... Still struggling and exhausted.

I genuinely don't think I can go back to my job a it's not something I can reduce down. I know my tolerance has once again reduced (2nd burnout) and I'm stressing about money.

I feel an autism diagnosis would give me answers and allow me to stop destroying myself but I fear what it'll mean letting go.

I don't have the energy to find a new job... It feels too much but going back feels impossible. I need money to live I have bills and such.

I want to work, I want a job but I also don't want to burnout again as I don't think I can take it.

I'm aware benefits exist but I don't think I can get much and honestly not don't know if it's right to take things off others?

I can't win.

If I could get a diagnosis, leave my job, have a few years to figure myself out and maybe volunteer or something I enjoy and build myself back up... Then go into a "real" job I'd have a real chance.

But this is real life and life doesn't wait... I'm scared to accept that I'm very likely autistic because it means accepting I can't cope but what if there's nothing to catch me?

Already I've been more attuned to how I feel and actually not ignoring stuff (harder anyways because so burnt out) and yesterday got super overwhelmed on a busy train. I'm scared of losing stuff that yes is difficult but I've always pushed through and done things...

Denial is a HUGE issue for me, shame as well. Ableisn I suppose. So when I allow myself to see autistic traits etc in myself I fear I'm faking. I could do X before why not now? I didn't feel this before? So on. Logically I know none of this is new it's just been so long shoved down and paved over.

I feel so trapped and lost. I want to do stuff but I have spent my whole life trying to achieve perfectionism that I've basically destroyed myself.

I'm not sure. It's not all negative but I'm scared.

Any. Advice much appreciated.

Thanks in advance

Hi,

Today I have just had a realisation of sorts and I am posting to ask advice and just to get this off my chest... please note this will get quite dark with mentions of Self Harm, suicide, sexual abuse. so Trigger warning.

TL;DR I have a depressive and self abusive episode every 4 years in June and wondering if there is a connection.

My age is the same as the year so that makes it easier.

In 2016 I experienced a breakdown, my mood was very low anxiety was high and I felt unable to cope. I started self harming and drinking as ways of coping with this. When I got drunk I'd often harm worse and as it went on would engage in sexual stuff on myself. I can't fully remember how this was then but honestly details don't matter.

This went on for several months and then stopped and started again but then I stopped SH and the rest until 4 years later...

In 2022 I had my 2nd breakdown, worse than the first. I started self harming again a lot and drinking a lot, to excess where I would pass out. This went on for months. I was off work. On one particular occasion I got very drunk and sexually abused myself (don't know what else to call it) it probably wasn't hours but felt like it. I remember screaming and biting my hand so hard it scarred. Next morning I was in agony. Things got very dark and I was sucicidal.

I still feel weird and a lot of shame and confusion around this.

Now, this brings me to this year 2026 where the same pattern. Lesser this time as I have been keeping things mostly in control. Mood is low, anxiety high same stuff. I haven't relapsed with self harm although came close last night. I got drunk last night and by default when drunk went to sexual stuff. Nothing like 2022.

Sorry not explaining any of this very well but I don't think many details helps or is necessary. There is a lot more I could share about past etc but I'll keep this to the point...

Basically what it comes down to is... This same pattern of behaviour has happened every 4 years in June (roughly same time). 2016, 2022 and 2026.

Could this be connected?

Is there a reason or something that triggers it every 4 years?

I don't know of any specific traumatic event that could have cause this response but I also do not remember large chunks of my childhood.

How would my mind/body know to do it every 4 years?

Why does this happen every 4 years?

I have always felt there is something wrong or something I am missing I have a lot of issues regarding perfectionism and fear of losing control. Who knows.

Please feel free to ask questions...hope this makes some sense

Thanks in advance

Hi,

TL:DR. awaiting assessment and unsure what to do about work/ asking about support etc.

I'm currently awaiting an assessment via right to choose. Unsure if my Referal has actually gone in yet so big ? About how long etc.

I'm so burnt out it's ridiculous.

Anyways, my question is related to my work. I'm off work due to stress/burnout and I'm due back in about 6 weeks. It's incredibly unlikely I'll have had my assessment by then so...

I don't honestly think I can go back to work given the nature of inflexiblity and toxicity of my job but I know I have to... Financially. I don't know how to approach it with my employer? I know going straight back in will lead to a crash again (this isn't my first time off) and idek what could be put in place to help.

I work in a busy food retail environment, fast paced production and there isn't any light duties or adjustments I can think of.

So basically...

How do I bring ADHD up to my employer without a diagnosis? Should I?

If I do get a diagnosis does anyone know about any support?

Honestly any advice for a late currently undiagnosed person is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

26 M

TL:DR - I tied myself down with commitments at 19, now 26 and wishing to move to Berlin. Feeling drawn there. Feeling trapped stuck in a toxic job. Didn't understand the commitments @19. What would you do?

-----------------------------------

I moved out when I was 19 to a new town a couple hours from where I grew up, I had a relative leave me money so I was unusually able to purchase my little house so young. I've moved once since. I'm very grateful but I don't think I understood what it meant at the time.

Less than a month after moving in I adopted a cat. I've had her for almost 7 years now. I love her deeply but she costs me a lot of money and limits where I can go and how long for. At 19 I wasn't thinking about the longevity. She also wouldn't be able to travel, she gets very very stressed and she's getting slightly older now. It would be too much.

A few months before lockdown I got a job and was on furlough until Sept 2020 when I started my role properly. I'm still there now. Toxic job killing me mentally and physically.

I didn't understand at 19 what I do now, I did not really understand how much I was tying myself down. I was doing life as I felt was "correct" and not really thinking about the long term financial, emotional and physical consequences or stress of all these commitments.

I could've gone wherever and done whatever, explored and made mistakes and then once I'd figured my shit out...settle down. I settled down far too quickly because it felt safe? right? easy?

At 19,20,21 I didn't have a clue. At 22,23, 24,25 I fought through a bad MH patch and put myself back together slowly.

At 26 I feel different. I'm having what's probably a quarter life crisis, I'm seeing people younger or my age less committed doing what I wish I could do. I'm also seeing young people making similar commitments I made. We all do our best and what ifs aren't always healthy?

I don't want to be stuck for the next 10 years feeling like this, I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 regreting staying as I am now. Time goes faster and faster... One moment I was 19 moving out now I'm getting closer and closer to 30.

Anyways the point of this is I now have a major dilemma....

I'm 26

I have a toxic job I HATE

I have a house and bills

I have debt

I have a cat

I have no savings

I have GCSEs( not maths) no degree etc and only retail experience

I went on a solo trip to Berlin last year and fell in love with the place, I saved up what I could and went again this year just for a couple of days. I've always loved Germany and spent a lot of time there with family friends, school trips, holidays as a kid. I've felt so down since leaving. I feel pulled there for some reason.

I keep talking myself out of it trying to make my life work because well I have a lot to lose and honestly I WISH I could just go, try it out and go home if it doesn't work out. I can't. I don't even know how I'd make it happen...there's too many obstacles.

Where I currently live there's a severe lack of jobs. So I can't just get another job because there's basically none here. What I have is currently my safest financial bet.

If you were 26 feeling drawn to make a drastic life change. Feeling stressed out from a toxic job and just wanting to try something new. Feeling pulled to a place you love. I crave a completely different life to the one I've built, I feel trapped. Stress is starting to harm my health.

I wish I could just pack a bag and go.

What would you do?

Advice is much appreciated. Thanks.