u/SweetBrick9047

I (f22) have been waiting for over a year to get married and my mother is onboard too however my dad hasn’t been taking it seriously. My parents are divorced because my dad was abusive (physically & financially) and couldn’t stop chasing women and marrying them whilst still married to my mum. He currently has another wife and 2 more kids however he’s still actively looking for another wife in his pursuit of “happiness”.

Anyways so the situation is I want to get married and me and mum found a good religious guy who i like. He’s travelled to my home country to meet my dad last year and his family have met me and my mum multiple times. Because this has been going on for over a year my mum wants us to have our nikkah done asap now. However whenever my mum brings this up to my dad he changes the topic or runs away from the conversation. We’ve tried talking to him in person and online but still he doesn’t care at all. On the other hand 2 weeks ago we had his wife call us crying about how he’s been looking for another wife and she doesn’t know what to do. My own younger brother has caught him using marriage apps and witnessed him flirting with women in the street.

I just feel so frustrated that i want to start a new life and be married however i can’t do it till my dad agrees and acts as my wali but i also know there’s no way he’s going to do that. Why can’t he focus on getting me married instead of running around trying to get married himself when he’s got a wife and kids at home. My dad himself tells all of us that he wants to build his own harem of women and all of us look at him like what????

I just feel so stuck right now. Mum is so fed up of my dad avoiding this to a point where she wants to follow the hanafi ruling where a girl doesn’t need a wali (we follow the shafai madhab where i would need a wali). Honestly i think i just wanted to get this off my chest because how long am i supposed to wait?

Edit:
The only other forms of mahrams i have are younger brothers who could act as a wali however im scared if i do get married without my dad there he will curse me out for the rest of my life and call my children bastards (he’s done this to others) :/

I (f22) have been waiting for over a year to get married and my mother is onboard too however my dad hasn’t been taking it seriously. My parents are divorced because my dad was abusive (physically & financially) and couldn’t stop chasing women and marrying them whilst still married to my mum. He currently has another wife and 2 more kids however he’s still actively looking for another wife in his pursuit of “happiness”.

Anyways so the situation is I want to get married and me and mum found a good religious guy who i like. He’s travelled to my home country to meet my dad last year and his family have met me and my mum multiple times. Because this has been going on for over a year my mum wants us to have our nikkah done asap now. However whenever my mum brings this up to my dad he changes the topic or runs away from the conversation. We’ve tried talking to him in person and online but still he doesn’t care at all. On the other hand 2 weeks ago we had his wife call us crying about how he’s been looking for another wife and she doesn’t know what to do. My own younger brother has caught him using marriage apps and witnessed him flirting with women in the street.

I just feel so frustrated that i want to start a new life and be married however i can’t do it till my dad agrees and acts as my wali but i also know there’s no way he’s going to do that. Why can’t he focus on getting me married instead of running around trying to get married himself when he’s got a wife and kids at home. My dad himself tells all of us that he wants to build his own harem of women and all of us look at him like what????

I just feel so stuck right now. Mum is so fed up of my dad avoiding this to a point where she wants to follow the hanafi ruling where a girl doesn’t need a wali (we follow the shafai madhab where i would need a wali). Honestly i think i just wanted to get this off my chest because how long am i supposed to wait?

I (f22) have been waiting for over a year to get married and my mother is onboard too however my dad hasn’t been taking it seriously. My parents are divorced because my dad was abusive (physically & financially) and couldn’t stop chasing women and marrying them whilst still married to my mum. He currently has another wife and 2 more kids however he’s still actively looking for another wife in his pursuit of “happiness”.

Anyways so the situation is I want to get married and me and mum found a good religious guy who i like. He’s travelled to my home country to meet my dad last year and his family have met me and my mum multiple times. Because this has been going on for over a year my mum wants us to have our nikkah done asap now. However whenever my mum brings this up to my dad he changes the topic or runs away from the conversation. We’ve tried talking to him in person and online but still he doesn’t care at all. On the other hand 2 weeks ago we had his wife call us crying about how he’s been looking for another wife and she doesn’t know what to do. My own younger brother has caught him using marriage apps and witnessed him flirting with women in the street.

I just feel so frustrated that i want to start a new life and be married however i can’t do it till my dad agrees and acts as my wali but i also know there’s no way he’s going to do that. Why can’t he focus on getting me married instead of running around trying to get married himself when he’s got a wife and kids at home. My dad himself tells all of us that he wants to build his own harem of women and all of us look at him like what????

I just feel so stuck right now. Mum is so fed up of my dad avoiding this to a point where she wants to follow the hanafi ruling where a girl doesn’t need a wali (we follow the shafai madhab where i would need a wali). Honestly i think i just wanted to get this off my chest because how long am i supposed to wait?

Edit:
The only other forms of mahrams i have are younger brothers who could act as a wali however im scared if i do get married without my dad there he will curse me out for the rest of my life and call my children bastards (he’s done this to others) :/

| (22F) (also oldest child) have received 2 proposals and i don't know who to pick. I've tried my best to figure out which one will be better for me but i just can't bring myself to decide. i'm hoping anyone here will be able to give me some advice on what to do or how to pick one.

Guy 1: he's 30, 5'10, his deen is good, he's cute and i do feel attracted to him, he's on a sponsorship visa, him and his family are super sweet, his values align well with myself, we have a lot of similarities, doesn't have much savings, he's the middle child, plans on getting his own place when he gets married, he is caring and when i asked about what he would like to do in the future he said he would like to do uber taxi or amazon driver.

Guy 2: he's 23, 6'1, his deen is also good, he's okay looking, british citizen, hes a lawyer, he's very sweet aswell, he's the only child, we have a lot of similarities, he's got a good amount of savings, our values also align pretty well, i'm not too sure if he wants to get his own place yet or not, he wants to keep progressing in his career, and he is very caring.

So yeah im really struggling to decide on who to progress with because ill be honest if i let my parents decide, they would tell me to go for guy 2 because he's financially stable however i want to give both an equal chance hence i feel so stuck.

Any tips or advice on figuring out which one might be the best option for me to marry?

I (22F) (also oldest child) have received 2 proposals and i don’t know who to pick. I’ve tried my best to figure out which one will be better for me but i just can’t bring myself to decide. i’m hoping anyone here will be able to give me some advice on what to do or how to pick one.

Guy 1: he’s 30, 5’10, he’s cute and i do feel attracted to him, he’s on a sponsorship visa, him and his family are super sweet, his values align well with myself, we have a lot of similarities, doesn’t have much savings, he’s the middle child, plans on getting his own place when he gets married, he is caring and when i asked about what he would like to do in the future he said he would like to do uber taxi or amazon driver.

Guy 2: he’s 23, 6’1, he’s okay looking, british citizen, hes a lawyer, he’s very sweet aswell, he’s the only child, we have a lot of similarities, he’s got a good amount of savings, our values also align pretty well, i’m not too sure if he wants to get his own place yet or not, he wants to keep progressing in his career, and he is very caring.

So yeah im really struggling to decide on who to progress with because ill be honest if i let my parents decide, they would tell me to go for guy 2 because he’s financially stable however i want to give both an equal chance hence i feel so stuck.

Any tips or advice on figuring out which one might be the best option for me to marry?

I (F22) need to rant because I feel hopeless when it comes to me getting married. I want to get married and move on with my life so badly but it seems so impossible.

so here’s some context. My mother is Arab and my dad is Pakistani. My dad lives in Pakistan and the rest of us live in the UK. My parents are both divorced and had a terrible marriage the whole way through.

so it’s been over a year since i met this pakistani guy i like and him and his family have been to my house and my family has been to his. we planned to get married next year after i finish my last year at university. now the problem is they are probably expecting the wedding to be the pakistani way where there’s a low mehr (£500 - £2K), wedding is split 50/50. whereas on the other hand my mother is expecting the wedding to go the arab way where i get a high mehr (£15K - £30K), wedding fully paid by the guy, and we live in our own place straight away. I know with both cultures there’s going to be some conflict for sure and the thought of having to go through that and try to come up with solutions to keep everyone happy is tearing me apart. I don’t want to lose this guy but at the same time my mother is extremely stubborn to a point where she wants the guy to buy his own wedding ring. My mum keeps telling me I should get married to an arab guy coz he would pay for everything but I don’t care about money. I just want someone i know would treat me well, care for me and will always keep me happy.

Both mine and his family are going to meet in a few weeks to discuss our engagement and wedding and i can’t help but feel terrified that either side will get upset or just leave. I just wanted a simple wedding with a reasonable mehr (about £3K) and for us to live together. I don’t want to be stressing out thinking about keeping the peace or calculating all the finances etc. I want to be like a normal girl that stresses about wedding dresses or makeup artists or wedding hall decorations :/

ontop of all that, my father is against me getting married even tho he’s been married multiple times. he wants me to come over to pakistan and live with him instead. Last summer he somehow convinced me to come to pakistan but after i got there he spent the whole time convincing me to drop out of uni and stay there with him, basically wanted me as extra help for my half siblings, and refused to let me know when i could come back to the UK so in the end i ended up running away and catching a flight back. Anyways, when i addressed me getting married he kept telling me how i should focus on just increasing my imaan instead of getting married and there’s no benefit to that. Also keeps talking about how the muslims in the UK are all kafirs and i should aim to go back to Pakistan. So now im scared he might just say no to the family and stop me ever getting married. I also told him i just wanted to be free to live my life with my future husband and he told me that was selfish and i should be focused on dealing and fixing our family instead. Even if i was to get married and do the wedding the pakistani way where its all 50/50, i know my father would run away from paying a single penny and it would all fall onto me which is why ive started looking for jobs so that worst case senario i will be able to afford getting married.

So yeah basically put it all just feels hopeless. I feel very torn apart by so many different issues and it feels like no one sees or cares about what’s going to happen. I don’t know what to do or how to solve it all. It just feels like everything’s on my head. I just wanted everything to go peacefully and smoothly without any issues.