u/SwordfishMission9280

my best friend blocked me about 22 days ago and every single day has been agony, we always were inseparable but i was mentally fucked lately and it ruined our friendship and she didnt need me anymore and i feel used and abandoned. every time i feel like im recovering she blocks me on a new platform and i see it and it is constant fucking agony i want to kill myself i have never felt so alone im having trouble moving on from this relationship, im 22 and this was my first love

my best friend blocked me about 22 days ago and every single day has been agony, we always were inseparable but i was mentally fucked lately and it ruined our friendship and she didnt need me anymore and i feel used and abandoned. every time i feel like im recovering she blocks me on a new platform and i see it and it is constant fucking agony i want to kill myself i have never felt so alone

I can't stop thinking about her and I know reaching out would only result in her telling me to move on and blocking me again. I know it's invasive but my mind keeps nagging me to do it. I really miss her and I thought she loved me. I feel so alone.

My best friend blocked me a week ago and I've been constantly thinking about her every day. I feel so alone because we talked every single day and the past month or 2 I've been making every conversation miserable and it's all my fault. I never met anyone that I've ever clicked with like that and I don't think I ever will again. I want to end my life because I don't want to be alone like I was before her. I can't take it.

We were best buddies ever since we first met, we had the same personality and humor and interests and I thought she was so special and unique and she was always so thoughtful and always thought I was sweet and I loved every moment ever as a friend and when we became more. She knew from the start I'm mentally not well and have trouble communicating with people and I always needed reassurance for stuff or I think I'm doing something wrong and i get anxious and she was always ok with that and was so understanding and sweet about it (we both have not been in a relationship before) i have really bad social and general anxiety and i have depression and stuff and i think shes possibly bipolar and wouldn't get tested for it and says I need therapy more and deflects it when I suggest therapy. In hindsight maybe we should not have started a relationship (long distance) until we were mentally ready but I do not regret it.

Recently she has been going through a lot of stressful life changes and said we are both not mentally ready for a relationship (we are both depressed and have to get therapy) so she said we should take a temporary break because she doesn't feel loving and the relationship makes her feel pressured to talk to me a lot, I got really scared and anxious and told obsessively messaged her talking about it and telling her how much I still loved her and trying to compromise things and kept asking her if it was something I did and she said she grew a resentment for me over this and from that point onward over the course of the next month she was dry when texting me and treated me very coldly and acted like she hated me and I could tell so I was sad about it and i turned every conversation negative because i was overthinking everything she said and was taking things the wrong way but i genuinely felt like she was being mean sometimes because she was still mad at me, anyways it got to a point where she blocked me. I made this post because she messaged me today to say "get help. move on." and it really broke my heart because i wanted us to be together forever and wanted to navigate the struggles together. I really don't want our FIRST serious disagreement/argument to be the end of our perfect friendship. I don't know how to move on. I don't WANT to move on. :[ I'm just hoping she unblocks me all the time and wishing she was here because I ruined a PERFECT friendship and I really care about this person still. I almost killed myself over it because I felt like i met THE person I was gonna spend my life with and do everything with and I soured it with my anxiety.

I know she doesn't owe me anything but I feel like my best friend turned her back on me because my mental troubles were too much to deal with basically. If I hid my emotions and anxiety we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel utterly alone and destroyed. She found many friends to talk to outside of me and she has people to go to but she was literally all I had and I feel like no one would care if i killed myself. We both joined a minecraft server together before this and I noticed she got friendly with the owner and the owner randomly banned me a few days ago and didn't give a reason so I can only assume shes telling people about our issues and it got me kicked out of the community. I feel so alone.

I should have given her the space she told me she needed time and time again. I fucked up. I ruined everything and I am a horrible person. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve to live. These last few weeks have been the most mentally challenging and I am not strong enough to survive all of it I want to curl up and die.

Sorry I keep coming back to edit when I have more thoughts I need to add. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I lost my only confidant. I will never meet another friend like her.

I can't do anything we used to do together because I feel really sad every time and end up quitting and crying and feeling suicidal. I feel like once things got rough she just left and is wiping her hands clean of our friendship. I didn't mention earlier but I also started getting really anxious after she deleted our entire chat history since the beginning of our relationship and all of our happy memories and it just seems like I made ONE mistake and she hated me and wanted out. It hurts beyond description. I feel constant mental agony over this because she said she knows I was never malicious and she said she knows I still love her and care about her but she said she doesn't know if she will ever feel anything except for suffocated because of me. She told me to stop saying "good morning" and "hope you have a nice day" and "goodnight" because it feels fake. She said she knows I'm being genuine but it FEELS fake so she doesn't like it. She didn't like ANYTHING I said. She basically treated me like I was supposed to pretend to be happy when she was treating me like I was a constant annoyance. I should have given her more space but I liked her so much I kept trying to talk to her and involve myself with what she was doing.

Now she's gone and she doesn't have to worry about me making every conversation miserable. I don't think she would care if I offed myself. I'm still seriously considering doing it. I feel so empty and sad. I hope she has a happier life than me. It really fucking stung when after she cut me off i noticed she came off of do not disturb. I feel like I'm such a burden on everyone around me. I feel like I am unlovable. She made me feel loved but I had to mess that all up. I really don't deserve anyone. All I do is drag people down.