u/TA-tired

Hi, I made a new Google cloud account and have the free $300 credit. I made a couple projects to try and play around with it, and it's been eating away at the free credits.

I'm very new to this so didn't know you had to disable things. I've disabled billing for all projects, cancelled the billing account itself, shut down all the projects, but the money is still going down.

What's going on? What can I do?

I'm due to have a colposcopy in about 3 weeks. I'm really nervous about it and want to be able to manage my expectations.

I've never had a pap smear (too young in the UK to be offered it), and the only speculums that have been used have been those tiny paediatric ones, and even those have been difficult. It took three separate appointments to get a successful look at what was going on, and even then, I tensed up so much I was pushing out the speculum. Even though I tried really hard to stay calm and not tense up.

There's some trauma stuff going on too, which I think is making it worse... (I have asked for a female clinician, so hopefully that will help a bit)

If anyone has any advice for what to do, how to stay calm, or even could walk me through what happens/what it feels like, I would be really grateful.

I've been booked for a colposcopy, and I had a couple questions if anyone has any advice?

I'm 23, so haven't had a smear test or anything yet, but have had a couple brief speculum exams.

Is a colposcopy like the speculum exam? Does it hurt? And most importantly, will I feel ok/normal the next day? I've got a meeting at uni the next day and was wondering whether I'll be fine or should rearrange!

Any advice or experiences about this would be really appreciated. (Although any really bad/traumatic experiences I'd rather not hear about... sorry, I can get quite anxious!)

Thank you! :)

I get the sense my therapist doesn't like me very much. I don't think she dislikes me strongly, but just a mild disliking.

Immediately, I obviously think this is me projecting, but I dont know what it could be protection of. I've worked with a lot of therapists over the past few years, and I've never felt like they didn't like me. Even if I didn't like them very much.

This seems to be a one off, and I don't feel negatively towards her or anything like that. Mildly positive, pretty consistently.

It's not that something specific happened that's giving me that impression, just a general sense based on the way she interacts with me. Tone, language, expression etc.

It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but obviously isn't making it easy to open up.

How do I tell if it's just me projecting, or if this is really what's going on?

My god today's been a bit of a shitshow!

About 20 mins into the therapy session (online), I see a spider on my curtains moving around. I have arachnophobia and was absolutely terrified. Totally froze up, some nervous laughter while staring it down, I had no idea what to do.

Said to my therapist that I had to go deal with the spider, and I'd be back "in a sec!".

I was not back in a sec, I couldn't come back at all.

I just got my hoover, stood on the sofa, and hysterically sobbed alternating with panic attacks until my mum finally picked up the phone and travelled across the city to get it. Had a solid 3 hours of sobbing for that spider. It wasn't even that big.

I'm scared that it might still be there as I didn't see her get it... but I guess we'll have to see if it makes an appearance next session. I fucking hope not.

Urgh, I am exhausted. And well, that was an expensive 20 minute session fml 😬

I had a "turbulent" childhood with my mum. Which caused, from the age of 8 onwards, me to develop overwhelming attachments to some women in authority. Started with teachers, then therapists, nurses etc. It's been such a nightmare. Some attach back, leading to messy, inappropriate relationships, but regardless, it is intoxicating for me.

I had about 3 years where it suddenly stopped, but it's kicked off again last week. My dissertation supervisor. I've attached to her hard and am working so so much.

I'm doing way too much work, not sleeping much, putting off eating to keep working etc... it's ridiculous. I usually struggle to stay focused and do any work at all, but now i am struggling to stop.

I just want her to like me and be proud of me. I feel like a little kid again, desperate for her approval.

I don't know what to do. I thought maybe I'd grown out of it, but being back in this dynamic is so painful. It hit like a truck and I'm fucking exhausted already.