u/TaleAsleep5580

a few weeks ago i shared some experiences with a friend and she told me to seriously look up and question if i have ocd. i have asked myself that question a bunch already but i always ended up with "nah, you're exaggerating and you're shitty for comparing your stupid anxiety to something more serious" so i never looked into it. well, she herself started looking into it for me and a lot of stuff matched up. im not the "everything needs to be organized type" but i relate more to rumination, patters, rituals.

i named my intrusive or as i like to call them "bad" thoughts "the entity", because they truly feel external to me. i talked to my therapist about it, and even though she would never say "yea you have ocd" to me because she insists she is not a doctor (which i appreciate, of course), she kinda pushes the idea of getting a diagnosis and wants me to read books on it and when i say i have ocd she agrees in a non-direct way.

so yeah, i guess its a bit settled? ill still go get checked out by a psychiatrist and get an actual paper stating that, since i still don't believe it myself most of the time ("stupid piece of sh*t, how tf could you even think of that? your anxiety isn't even that bad! horrible, disgusting. you're bothering people around you with your stupid nonsensical problems!" says the entity).

well, im in a bad state. ive struggled with derealization for a long time and that combined with an awful life situation and the entity has brought me to a place i can't figure out how to get out of. im currently on vacation and im supposed to have a good time, but ive spent all of these days freaking out silently. convincing myself nothing out of the awful events from the last months happened and now apparently that im dead.

i just had a freakout in the shower where i convinced myself im dead and ive been dead so none of it happened. but when did i die? maybe last year. maybe i did throw myself in front of a car or subway (one of the things the entity says is "what if you throw yourself in front of that car? what if you jump when the subway pulls into the station?" etc.). or maybe my attempt from when i was a teenager was successful and all of this has been made up. why did i make this up though? its awful. what if I'm in a coma then and im close to dying so my mind is crumbling?

so i need help. how to know if im dead or not? im freaking out. i dont know how to talk about my more serious thoughts because in my mind im troubling people for nothing.

i want to try. i want to get you to come back to me because nothing was a lie. it was reality.

everything i see makes me think of you, of how you might've loved seeing what im seeing.

every new or old sight, of how it wouldve been if we were experiencing it together.

so i beg. in my mind i beg you get the view i have.

i miss you. i miss you greatly and its so different compared to how ive missed anything or anyone before. i miss you like i miss warmth on a cold winter night when im out for a cigarette. i miss you like i miss the cold wind on a hot summer day. i miss you like i miss seeing flowers when autumn comes and i miss you like i miss the golden leaves when autumn ends. i miss you like i miss seeing a beautiful view after ive traveled somewhere new. i miss your voice, i miss your awkward smile. i miss your laugh and your sparkling eyes. i miss that mole on your face and the corners of your lips. i miss touching the back of your neck and feeling your soft skin and your hair at the same time. i miss your arms and i miss holding your waist. i miss hearing you snore and talk in your sleep. i miss your rants and i miss you telling me fun facts about something youve learned. i miss listening to you.

the most beautiful memories i have are with you. the funiest ones, the cutest ones.

i miss how i was with you. i dont miss us in the last months of our relationship but that wasnt us. we were struggling so much and it was awful. i miss us. i miss us like i miss fresh air on a heavy boulevard.

when i think of a memory with you its like when i was reading a fairytale when i was little. filled with golden sunshine and bright colors, and a faded background because nothing else mattered in that moment, just you.

so i beg. i dont care about the hurt. i dont care about the pain. i beg of you. in this vast forest of thoughts ive been having the only thing that makes sense is that i love you still.

i don't know how people move on after loving someone like that. i imagine seeing you, meeting up with you. i make scenarios in my head and they all involve you.

before you i didnt know this was possible. any of it. i didn't know someone's face can make me so happy and i wasnt able to comprehend what love like this was. i didnt know a memory of someone's face can make me so miserable either.

you're not ready to see me yet but oh how i yearn for it.

i broke promises before but i dont know how to break this one.

i still search for you in bed.

**i swear to god if anyone messages me or comments asking for my initial i will lose it. im so miserable and desperate and even i can't fathom being THAT delusional. THERAPY, PEOPLE. PLEASE.

I've gotten even over 30 MF MESSAGES from ONE SINGLE POST and i post quite often so you do the math. IVE HAD PEOPLE STALK AND THREATEN ME.

some of yall are the worst.

i really thought i was getting better. i still call you honey in my mind. i still call you love. i still call you bubu.

i thought i am starting to heal. yet here i am, crying again in this god forsaken apartment because i miss you.

im so sorry. im sorry i wasn't a better partner. im sorry i let myself go and, as a result, i was letting everyone around me go. im so sorry for not trying harder. im so sorry for not being stronger. im so sorry for everything. i ruined it and thats my biggest regret. im so sorry.

i should've gotten up, i should've went on that date, I should've been more supportive, i should've been more active in my own life. im so sorry.

i broke my own heart, not you.

im so sorry.

im so so sorry.

i wish i could fix everything. i wish I'd be able to call you. i wish id be able to talk to you.

why was i so stupid?

did you send that on unsent project? oh god, i hate feeling like this. one second i think i can actually move on, get better, focus on myself and think of you as a beautiful memory and then im back at missing you.

i would do anything to see you. i would do anything to look at your kind eyes again. i would do anything to get at least a glimpse of how things used to be again.

one moment i think of the pain ive been in these past months and i despise what my life looks like now and the next im sure i could get over it if we just talked.

i cant believe it. you said you'd be there for me if i need help getting better and i need it so much. i feel so alone and im so uncomfortable with the position im in.

i still see you, holding my hands, with sparkling eyes and your chin tucked in a bit, asking me that after telling me you want me to step out your door.

i feel it with the same monstrous sharpness.

that's the moment everything changed and i wish i grasped those last seconds tighter.

i wish i went on that walk i asked for. i wish i knew.

my dreams of you have changed. they look like memories now, like they're actually happening and everything ive lived these past months didnt happen.

i didnt know and i could've never guessed.

you're still my best friend, even though you're not my lover, even though we're not talking.

i screwed this up.

i wish we'd talk. i wish a little bit of the heaviness im feeling would be lifted off by not feeling this heaviness towards you.

im doing bad. ive never felt so weak before.

that day haunts me. it gives me heart palpitations when i think about it. this knot in my throat and pressure on my chest never fully go away.

im away. you're 15 minutes away doing god knows what. im here, sitting where you last sat when you were here with a cigarette in my hand. it haunts me.

my body is so weak. i feel every muscle in my body try its hardest to keep me up. my bones crushing and bending in different ways they're not supposed to. I've collapsed.

im giving up.

every bite i take makes me sick.

im freaking out. they were together for like 3 months before we met. they never talked about that relationship as being something serious but i cant deal with it.

they broke up with me 3 months ago because of mental health and said they re not capable of being in a relationship anymore.

i cant deal with them getting into a relationship yet. im still hurting so badly, my life has been so bad since we broke up and i havent been able to process it yet. i cant bear thinking they're potentially already getting into another one.

we loved eachother so much and so deeply. when the break up happened they told me they still love me the most. was that true? was I the only one that felt that love?

im spiralling right when i thought i was getting better.

i dont know what to do.

they texted me happy birthday and i couldn't stop myself from responding "thank you, how have you been?" instead of just simply thanking them. it was a short conversation, just giving and receiving basic updates.

i really needed that. we ended on good terms but after a while of NC the pain i was feeling turned into a monster that was making me see them in a way i never wanted to. they were a representation of that pain, encapsulated in that suffering growing more monstrous every week.

i kept thinking and asking why can't the friendship part start already. i know we both needed time, but i yearned for it more than anything. not going back to being really close, being besties, but talking normally so the emotional heaviness of the conversations can fade away.

my friends keep telling me its a bad idea and that not enough time has passed and i get why they say that. i get why this does have the potential of making everything feel and actually be objectively worse and how it would seem that im just fooling myself, getting a quick boost in my happiness that would later be swallowed by my pain monster and would become part of it, but it did help me long term to perceive the situation how it actually was (saying this in reference to when we had this sort of short conversation over 2 months ago, i know this one is still recent). we were two individuals that loved each other deeply and still think of each other dearly. we never hated eachother, never thought of the other through a lense of intense pain. when seeing their responses i felt relief. i felt calm. i didnt cry, i still haven't cried. it made me happy.

that short conversation calmed me down. made me go back to "this is the same person, not an entity roaming around the same streets as me". it makes me happy to see we're still people, individuals trying to navigate through life.

i know my experience is not in any way even close to being universal, it is very particular to my situation and if you change even small details in how everything went down, probably i wouldn't feel like this, so please don't take this post as a sign to break NC.

im trying. im really trying to keep it all up. i dont know what to do. i got really angry a few days ago at you because i did something, i had an achievement, and I couldn't tell you. you weren't here for it. you left right when everything was starting to get harder for me and you leaving made everything impossible to navigate through without hurting (plus added a lot of new problems to my already awful situation).

but im not angry at you anymore. im back to thinking of your voice, your hugs, your warmth, your smile.

we were literally puzzle pieces...

i started therapy. im having my third session tomorrow. i hope in time i will get strong enough to not be so miserable and actually better myself. i wish i could tell you about it.

would you be mad if i reached out?

Things have been hard and and just kept getting harder since you left.

I'm not alone and yet I've been feeling like I'm "away", separated from reality and everyone around me because i can't find you in my surroundings. You're everywhere but you're not with me.

I wish you'd reach out already. It's been a month and a half since we last talked. It would really help to see you're still there... I'm afraid to do it myself. What if it's a mistake? What if you're not ready?

I miss you like hell. I wish you were here. Im afraid. Im overwhelmed and I need you. I can't stop crying. I'm so afraid and can't recognize my life.

i dreamt about you every single night the past 2 weeks, about you coming back to me, about you changing your insta profile picture, then again about you coming back to me, you talking to me, we hanging out, you kissing me etc etc ...

i miss you. i thought I'd be better by now, but i cant move on. i miss you so much. there isn't a moment that passes in which i don't think about you.

please, i still think it's worth another chance. please let me show you... i won't make the same mistakes again. i want to show you all of my love, always.

i miss you. i miss our love.

i want to see a text from you. it's so hard to see you're online, to know you're talking to everyone except for me, to know you're there, 15 minutes away, and i cant see you.

when i get overwhelmed i calm myself down by imagining you're holding me, thinking of your warmth again. i can't do anything.

im starting therapy tomorrow, it was about time. i don't know how it's going to help me get over this though. i loved you and still love you so much.

oh, my beautiful. i dont know what to do.

everyday i scream no when i wake up because i realize what reality im living in.

oh, honey b. oh no

i wish you'd see yourself how i see you.

i crave you and i miss you. how intense was your pain that you let our love go? i still don't understand it.

i type messages and delete them so often. i want to talk to you. i wish you'd reach out. i don't want to lose you. your face and name are always on my mind.

i dont want to feel alone anymore. please. please. please.

1 month and a half has passed and yet everything i experience i want to share with you. i drank almost 1 liter of matcha today and it's so silly. i bullied you so much for liking it, now look at me. probably bought it just because of you.

every moment, everything i do, everything i find, everything i try i would share with you if it was possible.

i would share everything i am and will be. everything i was.

ill start going to therapy. not sure if it will help with this though.

we missed the ceramic flowers..

some days are horrible, like today. i miss you like hell. i was fine yesterday and the day before, but now im crying like a baby because i miss you.

i wish id know what goes through your mind. i wish id know what you were doing. i wish you'd be here. i can't stop looking for you. i cant stop loving you. i cant stop missing you.

even though i accepted the breakup, the pain is sometimes more than i can carry. i feel so weak without you. i don't know how to stop choosing you. i cant even remove your photos from my homescreen. i can't delete the photos and videos of you from my gallery. i can't even change your contact name.

i feel like im pretending when i laugh without you.

i will be fine in an hour or two, but the room always feels so empty without you. no matter where i go or who im with.

it's all so quiet.

I'm doing better. I know last time we saw each other it didn't seem that way. I'm really sorry if it affected you, it was just such a hard day, such a draining week and it broke me. I really am starting to feel better.

I didn't lie to you when I said I'm getting better last month. I didn't lie when I said I want to change how I live and see my life. I didn't lie when I said I was starting to get excited again, to look forward for the things that are about to happen.

Even if this month has caused a lot of pain and it set me back a few steps, I realized I can't let that progress go. I can't go back to my "safe" hole of constant pain and suffering. I know I started too late. I understand why you couldn't wait. Your patience with me didn't seem to be justified anymore and I get it. You didn't deserve that. You wanted and deserved a partner, a real one, not a ghost and the fading figure of who I used to be. I took too long and I need to admit it. You needed me and I couldn't give that to you. I'm sorry.

I'm hearing you're doing good, going outside and spending time with the people you wanted to reconnect with. I'm so glad! That's so good! I'm really proud you're doing these things, I know how much it affected you to feel distanced from your friends and your life. You're amazing and I'm glad you're going back to feeling like you, the one I fell so hard for. I wish to see you like that again. It would make me feel whole, having confirmation you're still that.

I know you're there, you're a few minutes away. The distance we put between each other makes it feel like you're on another continent, unreachable, even though you aren't. It was needed though, I do still agree. We needed it and maybe still do. What we went through was incredibly emotionally heavy, it wasn't going to take a couple of days to heal. But yeah, you do seem very far away, untouchable.

I'm working everything out. Step by step, I'm getting peace. I'm finding it. I'm feeling it. I'm not fighting myself anymore. I'm doing my best and I'm starting to see results, I can appreciate myself again. I was thinking of jumping back to volunteering, even though I hope to be starting a job soon, one that will require a lot of energy. I really feel like I didn't give it enough attention and I forgot how good it felt to actually do something that mattered.

I'm going to get back into reading as well, really been ignoring that and I shouldn't.

DAMN there is so much to say about my thesis. I've been getting so ragebaited it's unbelievable :))). You have noooo idea what a silly (and incredibly fucked) situation that has been. It has gotten out of control so badly i literally can't take it seriously anymore. Nothing I can do about it now, what will happen will happen.

I hope I get to talk to you soon, even if we leave the emotional part out. I really wish you're doing well, that you're better, happier. I wish this did help you the way you wanted it to. I'm still not mad at you and I don't think I'll be. I see things more clearly, even if it hasn't been a long time.

The clock showed 2:22 while writing this. I hope my wish will come true. Have you been making wishes, like I always made you do?

It's weird. There were so many ups and downs, so much insecurity with my current situation and confusion. I was feeling really down and not thinking I would be able to be here now. I didn't cry this morning. I still have trouble eating and sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night in panic, but I didn't wake up sad.

Every single day is so different and they take so long to get through, literally seem never ending. Seriously, why does it take a week from waking up til 9pm?

Regaining confidence and looking at myself without that deep hatred, regret and disappointment is my biggest accomplishment.

My posts are really chaotic and I'm sorry for that. My thoughts are messy and hard to put in order. But let this one serve as a reminder that it is possible to heal alone, coming from a very depressed individual.

Thank you for your love and your care. You gave me such beautiful moments. I'm still not mad at you, even if I try to be in hopes of relieving some of this pain. You showed me what love is, what it is like to love and be loved. You showed me appreciation, you supported me and you saw me even when I couldn't. You believed in me. You held me when I was down, had patience with me, told me beautiful words when I needed it and sat in silence to listen to me. You saw me like I wanted to be seen.

I wronged you in so many ways. I'm sorry. Every part of me wishes I would've been different, better for you, for me. I have a lot of things I need to work on, how to communicate better, how to get excited about life. I need to find myself in this mess. I get glimpses of myself every now and then and it feels so good when it happens, but then my mind slips to you. I regret everything I did, every word and every moment I was not truly present. I got so deep into the hole I dug for myself, I forgot how it feels to not be numb.

Thank you for seeing me even then, for knowing me. You showed me a path that I couldn't understand, but now I do.

What we had was beautiful and true. We both made mistakes and that's how we ended up here, we're young and dumb. I hope you know how much love I hold for you, how grateful I am for everything you did and how incredibly sorry I am. I wish to tell you this in person when the time is right.

Right person, right time. Thank you and I'm sorry.

How am I supposed to start my day without you, love?

I'm still here. I wish you'd see that.