u/Tara_Chu

I have recently started meditating and really working hard to stay in awareness. But the moment my thoughts go to how unfair my life is, that just gets thrown out the window. I am instantly red hot angry.

I know not to be angry, that I am creating excessive importance which will cause balancing forces, that I am mad at a mirror, and me dwelling mentally on what makes me mad is only making slides of it.

But I don't know how to not be passionate and not want to stand up for myself. Like I get so mad so quickly.

So far the only thing that seems to work is I'll think of the person and think: "Fuck you, I'm leaving soon and will accomplish more than you can even imagine." I am still mad but that energy is directed towards what I want. It totally makes me stop mentally dwelling on the crap. Is that really wrong to do?

I have ADHD (inattentive) and struggle with having to talk to customers and coworkers everyday. I have worked hard for years and studied all the books I could find to not struggle with that but I do. I basically have to put a lot of energy into masking everyday, but that doesn't really work either and it creates an unhappy work environment. In fact I am honestly getting bullied and having clients taken from me.

I want to move into an office-type field without a degree but it is always call center or receptionist positions. The worst part is I live in So Cal so they want you to be bilingual. I HATED trying to learn Spanish and struggled bad with it, so that isn't happening.

Any suggestions or am I screwed? I can't see myself at 36 working a job I am miserable in fulltime for another 6 - 8 years so I can get a degree for something that's just less miserable. And I would rather die than go back to retail or work in a warehouse.

I used to have health issues and I ended up calling out too much during a bad month. I worked there for 2 years. I like Walmart's college program and my health conditions have finally been treated and done with.

I saw a management position open at a different location and would like to apply there. Is it possible? I was fired about 2 or 3 years ago.

Also I did have to report a guy for sexual harassment once (he literally put a hand on my thigh and would say the grossest things). Can that negatively impact my ability to be hired as well?

Oh and do they still have the free college? Last time I was there it was put on hold for months.

I am listening to Tufti The Priestess and I am so confused about awareness. It feels like the audiobook is telling me to focus on myself and my surroundings, which is just my outer screen? I don't get how it is any different? I read Transurfing Yourself too and I just don't get it.

I've been practicing awareness off and on for a couple weeks now and I don't understand the difference. It does get me out of my head / inner screen.

Also is it okay if I feel emotionally empty when I do it? I get I should feel gratitude and joy but it isn't there. I'll affirm things I should feel greatful for but I feel nothing.

I got 7 screws that were holding down the door panel. 4 are the same size, 1 is very small, 2 are larger than the rest with 1 of the 2 being much bigger.

I know where the really small one goes (by the door handle) and where the largest goes (by the speaker).

I dont remember where I got the 2nd largest which is freaking me out. Can the door panel come apart if I screw it in the wrong spot??

All the screws are from the door panel by the way. I realised I didn't have the right screw driver bit for the side mirror, lol. So waiting to get that from Amazon before I change it.

I have ADHD so my mind is all over the place. Which is hard to give up because it's fun! But it's like an uncontrollable wildfire in a dry forest. One moment I am daydreaming about relaxing on the beach, then I am imagining an anime fight scene that makes me want to punch something lol, then I'll be analyzing my job and coworkers, then analyzing if I can pull off gig work which I would much prefer, then daydreaming about arguing with people I don't like.

I just got Transurfing Yourself and I am only just now getting it after studying manifesting for a couple years. I've read Parts I - V a couple times and Tufti. But I just didn't really understand it. I think that's what he means by presence, being awareness, and "waking up". Like stopping the inner monologue.

How in the world do you guys do that?? Are your minds quiet and you focus on what's in front of you neutrally in between sessions of imagining with the plait? How sre you not bored? Do not spend any time just mindlessly scrolling the phone or watching TV?

Makes sense though. I have done some manifesting tests and "letting go" seems essential. That and the feeling in my heart before "letting go".

Explains why I am struggling in my day to day life. Especially with so much excess potential and inner importance. Like I get so angry at work due to how I am treated and how it doesn't suit my ADHD at all to have to work by their schedule in an environment that overstimulates me. And then that makes me place inner importance on trying gig work because it suits me soooo much more and I just wanna quit the slave job haha.