u/TecN9ne

Enjoy 😊

This happened in June of 2024, and I'm still struggling. My cat, Deuce, was my best bud for 12 years. We went through a lot together. I'm not proud to say that I used to numb a lot of my pain with marijuana, and during his last week alive, I wasn't thinking clearly.

Looking back, I should have euthanized him when I found out he had a 5cm cancerous mass on his liver, but it hit me all so quickly, and I could not make the choice. That last week, I spent $4000 in vet bills because I did not want to believe reality.

I went to visit him there, and the vet advised me that it was best to put him down. When I sat in the room with him saying goodbye, he had a lot of energy, and I convinced myself that maybe it wasn't time. I selfishly brought him home, and we spent one last night together.

When the meds started to wear off in the morning, he tried to stand up, fell, and hit his head on the tile floor. After seeing that, I knew what I had to do. I grabbed his cat carrier, and he did not want to go in (he knew its vet time), and I kind of forced him in there. I fucking hate myself for not being more gentle to my best friend.

After I put him in there, I got some things together and I heard a big sigh. Thought he was just stressed. Turns out, it was his last breath. Usually, he would turn around in the carrier, and while driving, I noticed he didn't. I smelt pee. I knew then that he passed, and I instantly broke down.

I'm crying writing this, and I have always struggled mentally moving on from things. I can't help but beat myself up for not giving him a peaceful death, and I think I killed him by stressing him out that last time, putting him in his carrier. He must have been so scared in his last moments.

If anyone has any advice on how to forgive yourself, I would greatly appreciate it. Two years later, I am punishing myself for my selfish choices.

Thanks for reading.

RIP Deuce - June 23rd, 2024.

Edit:

Thank you so much for the awards, but please save them for those who deserve it.