u/Teeny707

I was out the other day and heard this song, but couldn't Shazam it in time to actually get anything by the time it switched over. It was difficult to make out the lyrics, but I'll try to give you what I think I got.

I'm guessing the song is from the alternative rock genre. It has a pretty consistent base line, there's a lot of electric guitar in the chorus, heavy drums at the end.

I couldn't make out much of the lyrics apart from what sounded like "pistol whip"? Maybe?? And the end had a line that repeated a lot that sounded like "waiting and fading" with something afterwards that I couldn't make out, but I think it had five syllables? So like, "waiting and fading bum bum-bum bum-bum."

Also, this is going to be a wild reference, but if any of you grew up xtian/evangelical and/or are familiar with PFR, the singer's voice reminded me of Joel Hanson's, especially from their '96 album.

Okay, that's all I got. 😅 If this rings a bell for anyone, please lmk! It's driving me nuts, haha.

I've been wrestling with something for awhile now and would appreciate input from those who may have been in the same place before. This may be a bit long, so I apologize. If you stick through it, thank you in advance.

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I (39, afab) have been changing a lot over the past 6 or so years. It's been gradual, but steady. I left the grip of a cult, became Agnostic (at best), and have been actively trying to better myself by healing and growing as a person (yay, therapy! lol). It's been difficult, but it's been worth it.

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I've never really aligned with my assigned gender, which is a feeling that has grown and intensified since my childhood. In my childhood and teens, I just figured I was just a tomboy, but that word never felt like it completely explained how I felt. Tomboys seemed to have no issue with their femininity, but I often felt divorced from mine. I never felt "feminine enough," I guess. Every time my mom told me I needed to dress more feminine and tried to give me overly flowery shirts, dresses, etc to compensate for my perceived lack, it grated on me. I felt like a person being shoved into skin that was constricting and suffocating.

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The feeling intensified as I grew into my 20s and 30s, to the point that dressing femininely (dresses, skirts, etc) made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I distinctly remember attending a friend's wedding in a skirt and blouse and feeling like my skin was crawling. Like everyone there who saw me knew that I was an imposter and didn't belong in those clothes. Granted, the religion I grew up in is very... specific, lol, in its views about gender and how one should measure up to the standards. Women should be nurturing, matronly, feminine, married by their early 20s and popping out kids like overpopulation is a silly, made up word. And I fell massively outside of that established norm.

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As I stepped out of that life, I began to learn words that aligned more with how I felt at the time - nonbinary, agender. I just wanted to be myself, whoever that was, without the expectation of gender hanging over my head. So I began dressing more androgynously, binding my chest, and trying out shorter haircuts. I fucking loved it. And I remember telling my friends, "Well, I'm used to the equipment downstairs by now, so that's whatever. But man, if I could just lob these tits off, I'd be happy."

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But lately, I feel like I've been...idk. "Changing" doesn't feel like the right word, but idk what the right one is. Having a slow realization, ig? I've been leaning more towards masculine pronouns and noticing when people use them towards me (usually by accident because my face is a giveaway), it genuinely makes me just...so damn happy. A lady at WalMart called me "young man" once and man, I'm pretty sure I floated on that for a month. Two of my friends have a nickname for me that includes "boi" in it and every time they use it, it feels like it just touches something in my soul.

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"Okay, is this getting somewhere?" I'm getting there, promise lol.

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So, a couple months ago, I was talking with a trans friend and she asked me if I thought I would start hormones (she's been on them herself for awhile). I told her I wasn't sure because I was still trying to figure things out, and that at this point I'd just be happy with top surgery if I could ever afford it. She then kinda flippantly told me "Well, you probably don't need them. I knew immediately I had to be on them. If you don't feel the same way, you don't need them." And while I agree that you shouldn't take something unless you're sure you need it, the way she brushed me off threw a monkey wrench into my brain box. It made me feel like I needed to know or should have known immediately instead of having this gradual change I've been experiencing. Like if I didn't know *immediately* that I needed hormones, it was less genuine somehow.

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So my question is this:

If you're trans, did the realization happen gradually for you or was it immediate?

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Also out of curiosity, if you also grew up in a cult environment you had to deprogram yourself from, how did that impact your view of gender, both in yourself and in general? I oftentimes wonder if my schism with my assigned gender has been impacted by religious requirements linked to it. Like, I'm sure that affects it in the long run, but I also don't think my struggle here is some kind of buried misogyny or something. Women are fierce as fuck, I respect a great number of them. I just don't feel like I'm part of that group.

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If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Take care of yourselves out there and stay safe. 🐾