u/TheBayHarborDoomer

For the last few years especially post covid sports have been a very big part of my life to the point I've been living vicariously through my teams, fav players. Sorta been the only thing which stopped me from pulling SSR on my life in 2021 too and even today.

Yesterday seeing arsenal win the league after 20+ years and the reaction of their fans on social media to it posting their then vs now pics, posts dedicating to their family members who died who used to be fans and it kinda made me emotional.

Ik it's not the same as real life but their fans suffered a lot through the last 20 years in sporting terms. And to now finally ending that drought and suffering I can't help but feel happy for them and at the same time feel that i should start being optimistic about my own team asw which hasn't won much in ages.

But then it got me thinking in a different tangent too that why shouldn't I try being optimistic about my own life too. At my heart I'm still an optimist. I never give up on my teams and fav players (messi world Cup) so why not for a change apply that to my own life.

Fact is I'm tired of just being pessimistic all the time and negative. Ik life hasn't given me any reason to be optimistic tbh but if you saw the trenches arsenal were in 2020 you'd never think they'll win the league in 6 years. Same applies to life too I guess. Maybe it might get better for me in 6 years. Maybe not. I gotta keep hoping. Don't stop believing. Keep faith even though there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Being hopeful sounds stupid but it doesn't cost anything.

This won't be easy. It's easier said than done and writing this post. There's a good chance I'll be back to the same old doomer thoughts in 3 days. But I ought to try atleast.

I actually loved this job. So many pros. Was close from home. Not much work since I just automate through ai. Alright pay. Good WLB.

But something just felt missing right from the beginning because I never saw it as something I wanted to do long term. Idek anything that i wanna do long term. There's literally no job out there I'd do for over a year even if it's something I really like unless it's just watching sports (lmao). Parents want me to do either mba or give bank exams but even those jobs would make me feel same. Actually even worse.

Over the last 2-3 years I've realised I just hate jobs. Like the whole concept i hate it. Idek if it's because I'm lazy or something but I just don't like jobs. Tbh idts I ever did. Even pre covid before I was recluse, I always had an idea in my mind that I'll work for probs 3-4 years maximum and then get early retirement.

Problem with such line of thinking is you need a sure shot great plan to succeed. I just don't have that. Only time I had one was when I wanted to get into IIT. Well now I'm never becoming successful because that would mean getting an mba from a tier 1 college which again I'm too dumb and lazy for.

The mere thought about the future is suffocating me. Everyday I just feel like quitting my job but what do I even do next. Something through which I can be home and still earn money. There's literally nothing such.

Told my mom I really hate working and her response was expected. She just got angry and i don't blame her. What the fuck do i even do with my life like this man if im not gonna commit SSR. I cannot work corporate for 40+ years. Forget 40 idek how im gonna survive the next 4 months.

This is where i wish i was a normie again. Because like me ik others hate their jobs too. They dont enjoy this shit either but they've got that indomitable human spirit to somehow keep going. I don't have that. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control and i may just snap and burst out.

I get why people are into hookups, substance abuse and other stuff. I would do that shit too if i could to cope through this hell and just have a fun time forgetting the stress (tbh doubt even that would've helped after a certain period) . Instead i just cope through gambling and watching sports and gooning for the quick dopamine.

The future is very bleak for me. Both immediate and later. I just wish i had the courage to do the needful in 2021.

The existential dread is alarmingly increasing everyday. I feel so exhausted and trapped. Its suffocating me. How am i supposed to get up and go through these same motions for another 14000 days (40 years). Even saying it out loud is scaring me.

One cannot cope through it all the time. Be it anything substance abuse, media, sex, socializing, etc etc etc. At some point you gotta deal with it.

I envy the normies who can just shrug it off and continue to live. I'm not saying its easy for them either. But they've got this indefeasible human spirit to keep going. I don't have that. They somehow find the energy to cope and do the same thing all over again.

Everyday feels like a burden. The weekend just flew by and now i gotta go back to my job. Even though its really good and all and i barely work 2 hours a day but its still soul sucking all the same. Life itself is soul sucking. The everyday regularness of it. I have no idea what to do to escape this hell.

I knew this was gonna happen yet it still sucks. My current job which is so good on paper and I'm already starting to get exhausted doing it. At this point idek what I should do seriously. I cannot hold down a job more than 4 months. The whole corporate culture feels so fake to me. I always thought I could just work for 2-3 years minimum and then just do trading but that was only possible if I had a crore package job in IT which was the whole plan for years and I pissed on it. Now I can't do shit. Seriously I cannot work for 30+ years this is so depressing. I just can't. You can call me lazy or whatever but my soul just can't handle it.

I thought I could do my current job for at least 2 years but I'm already thinking I might be done in 6 months. Already started thinking about leaving with no backup. Idek what I wanna do. Which job would make me satisfied. Truth is there's no such job which would. Unless I'm paid to just watch sports games. I cannot continue like this. This all points towards an inevitable conclusion (SSR).

Have noticed I have one of these days every few months where I feel completely shot down. Absolutely zero drive and energy to live which usually isn't there that much anyways but it still somewhat exists due to my sports teams and looking forward to them playing.

On these days tho even that's not there and there's a lingering thought that what am I even waking up for ?

My parents life would be much better off without me. I have no friends I can share this with. No significant other. No career or money. No social life. Have my sports teams as cope but even that feels futile.

And I can't even pinpoint what specifically has me so down on this day. Was listening to "I want it that way" By Backstreet boys while going to work Which isn't even a sad song per se or is it? Because I felt so low during the whole walk to the office. And idek what's the reason. Is it because I lost all my gambling winnings yesterday or is it because my life just flat out sucks or is it because I long for someone to love me and see me or is it because of no particular reason whatsoever.

Whatever it may be, the urge to just be done with it all gets very strong on these days. Even this job I'm doing I feel so zoned out because ik it's not gonna last long. It's like a ticking time bomb and I may get fired any minute, second, hour, day, week, month, etc

And the worst part is tomorrow I won't feel this way at all. It will be back to feeling nothing. Feeling empty. Dead. Numb. Just there physically not mentally.

Everything in my life is temporary except this reclusiveness of not belonging anywhere at all. I really wanted to live long enough to at least be able to watch my sports teams in person but I'm not sure it's gonna happen at this rate. The clock is ticking rapidly. Tick tick tick that's the sound of my time running out. Another 40+ years of this? Hell no

Always wanted to do one of these. Not that anyone cares nor am I important like that but I was bored at work so shoot away if you want to.