u/TheDavenessPhD

I had a massive shift in the way that I think, and I think it could help you guys too.

Last week Wednesday. I was in bed with the flu. I've been burning the candle at both ends, and I could feel it. I felt hopeless. As if all of the effort I've been putting in has been for nothing. And I looked up to the ceiling, to God, to the universe, to whatever you want to call it. and said, "I'm ready. I'm open." I felt this wave of energy come over me, so much so that I couldn't contain it, and I fell asleep with that feeling. I stopped asking how to fix everything and started asking who I needed to become. And then things started to shift.

Thursday, things started to happen. I got a job offer, I heard back about another job interview, and a friend approached me about a potential business to start together. On Monday this week, I got an email from the family advocate and her report recommended shared residency, 50-50, what I've been fighting for for 3 years.

The point that I'm making is, as guys, we very rarely ask for help, but in divorce we ask, "How do I win this case? How do I make sure I don't get taken to the cleaners? How do I keep custody?" When, instead, we should be asking, "Who do we have to become to win this case? What does the man who keeps custody look like?"

Surrender the how, and start to ask WHO? That is the shift.

I got the email at 15:39 yesterday afternoon.

Family Advocate report. Shared residence recommended - 50/50 Split!!!

I read it three times before I let myself feel anything.

I cannot explain to you guys how much this means to me. Two years ago I was lying awake at night, wondering if I'd ever see my daughter for more than a weekend at a time.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think past the next hour. The lawyer's office felt surreal. And friends who haven't been through it dont know.

If you're there right now, staring at the ceiling at 2 am, trying to stay strong for your kids while you're falling apart inside. You don't have to do this alone. You were never supposed to.

Stay in the game. Your email is coming.

We were driving in the car the other morning, and my daughter was in the back seat. She said to me, "Girl children are supposed to live with their mamas, and boys are supposed to live with their daddas, right, dada?"
I was absolutely flabbergasted because that's not something that a seven-year-old comes up with. But obviously, these types of conversations are being had around her when I'm not there. I don't know. I guess I'm just ranting.
Who else has had something come out of their kid's mouth where you just knew it didn't come from them?

I can't remember the exact time, it was a few months into my custody battle (41M), but I was talking to my mom about the communication between me and the ex. She turned to me and said, "Why does everything have to be an argument?" 
That one statement from my mom really rattled my cage, and oddly enough, the first thing that I wanted to do was argue with her. I realised that that is exactly the point that she was making.

I had been delaying it for so long, but I went back through all of the messages between me and the ex. For all of you that have done that, you know how hard that is (its like watching a train wreck in slow motion) but I came to the realisation that she was right. And so I said to myself, "Myself, If you had to go back and speak to yourself, what advice would you give yourself?" 
And after some thought, it really came down to five things. The first thing that was glaringly obvious going through this message is that the level of emotion in every single response was huge. 
So, the first thing I'd say to myself is that you need to figure out something that can calm you down, that can regulate your nervous system. No message sent in the passions of anger or sadness is ever going to be constructive or get you the outcome that you're looking for. 
The other thing that became evident to me was that I didn't know what exactly the court orders and court documentation said. I had gone and sat with my lawyers, and I thought I had an understanding of what was actually going on, but knowing that your lawyer has got hundreds of different cases and you are just one of them, the responsibility lies with you to go through all of your documentation and find out exactly what each of those things say. There might be something that has been missed. 
Then I would tell myself that documentation is everything. It doesn't have to be massively detailed, but you need to record every day what happens with you, what happens with the kids, and what happens with the exes. A person who does that is clearly someone who is interested in the well-being of their kids. It paints the picture before you even walk into the courtroom. 
The obvious one: remove all emotion from your communication. No JADE. For all of you that don't know, JADE is an acronym that stands for what you SHOULDN’T do - justify, argue, defend, and explain. Keep your communication dull and uninteresting. Google Grey Rock method and you'll get the information you need. 
And the last one was just something that kind of happened to me. I used to be all about budgets and tracking and all of that, and that was one of the things that had driven my ex absolutely crazy, so I'd stopped doing it. When you're in a divorce situation, not knowing your numbers is such a source of stress and consternation. Once I actually sat down and plotted everything out, it was bad, it was manageable, and it was such a relief to know where I stood financially.

So that's it. That's what I would tell myself.
I wish you all the best. Fight the good fight.
You’ve got this, and your kids need you to fight.

I forget how many months in I was, but I distinctly remember writing a to-do list, using the previous week's to-do list as the basic template, and coming to the realization that this list is not getting any shorter.

I was planning to do things.

I had lists and lists and lists in my head that needed to get done, but when I look back now, none of what I actually thought mattered, mattered.
It came down to five basic principles. It turned out that the thing that I was avoiding was going through the timeline, because it was just too hard at the time. If I had to go back to that point and give myself pointers, knowing what I know now, this is what that would look like:

Figure out how to self-regulate. It doesn't matter how much you do or where you put your energy. If you're operating from a dysregulated emotional system, you're going to make mistakes. I can guarantee it.

Go through it. Figure out exactly where you are. What does the current court order say? What is the current visitation? Word for word, what do each of those documents from the court say? Map the difference between what's stated in the documentation and what is actually happening. That is where your case lies.

Record everything. WhatsApp yourself. Buy yourself a notebook to journal in at the end of every day. It doesn't matter where, but you need to keep a record of everything:

• Handovers
• Messages
• Agreements made
• Agreements not met
• Times when you haven't met agreements and the reasons for that

 

All of it needs to be documented. If you don't think it's necessary, what if I told you that the other side is doing exactly that? How about now? You going to document it now?

For the love of God and all things holy, remove emotion from your communication. This is the biggest thing you can fix, and you MUST fix it now.

Budget. Figure out your numbers, Income, expenses, legal fees, potential alimony, real numbers, not what you think it's going to be. The fear of what you think it's going to be and what it really is, is worlds apart. Trust me, do it.

It doesn't matter what happened. You're in it now. If you want to start figuring out where it broke down, that can be done later, and the reason that you think it broke down is going to change constantly.

Sort out these five things, and your life is going to be significantly easier going forward. Trust.