u/TheSketchyBroski

I've decided taking a different strategy to deal with my Limerence. Instead of seeking to suppress, take adversary action, or reject the continuous thoughts, I just treat them as lightly as I can, which is to say, my Limerence is being treated as the inane thing it truly is.

Examples:

(Starts spiraling on something LO did or said) ‐ Reaction: "Oh, well... being an emotional addict sure is fun!" - Proceed to put on some music and list stuff you need to get done.

(Starts fantasizing about LO in a romantic context) - Reaction: "We're so creative, aren't we?" - laugh it off and keep living, maybe watch a movie.

(Negative thinking starting to creep up) - "Day X of building ourselves a rocket, meant to fly to Saturn, with tin cans and a spoon! We'll get there. The struggle is what makes the process fun!"

Met my LO today and had our first lengthy conversation after the fallout (I basically humiliated myself so bad in front of her), and it was fine! Probably because she's Avoidantly-Attached (a gift from hell to my Anxiously-Attached baby heart) and deeply compartmentalizes stuff, so she didn't seem like cutting me off. We're on seemingly friendly terms, with a fair bit of enthusiasm on her part.

And, of course, I was threatening to spiral the whole time — heart pounding, hands shaking —, but ultimately didn't, all because:

"Look, brain... Do your thing. Really. I don't care. Make me shake, speed up my heart, give me all this restless thinking about her... You do you. I won't move a finger, though, because we're not going back there."

And I just let it phase through me during the conversation. I'm building tolerance to my own subconscious. Whenever I feel like reaching out, I just do a mental joke about drug usage or something ("what emotional crack doesn't do to one?"), and move on.

My heart was trying to escape my chest... and so what? It means I'm alive and kicking. You'll have to try a little harder than that, heart... like killing me for good!

My hands were shaking, and it was fine. I relaxed every muscle, settled into it, and realized how meaningless this truly was, after all. My life will remain utterly unchanged.

And sooner than you would expect, it all faded. It went quiet, real silent.

Accept your Limerence. Really. Accept it as a part of you and take control of it. Don't feel bad for being limerent. Take it as a part of you and realize you have a full hold of it. Be yourself.

I'm certainly not fully healed, that's for sure, but today? It got, like, 95% lesser, and I think I know why.

It's because I'm addressing my trauma, finally. I reached the bottom of the issue and am currently taking constructive action about it.

I have a trouble with enmeshment in my home environment. I still live with my parents and they're very overprotective, to the point they still treat me, a 23M, like if I was still 10.

And that's the reason LO made such an impression on me: she's fiercely independent and owns her own life. That probably triggered something in me.

Yesterday, I finally put things down: told them I don't want to be treated like a fragile glass statue anymore, and that I am responsible for my own life. They obviously didn't like that and tried to guilt-trip me, but I stood ground for the first time.

I see now. I need to foster my own independence and live life as I want to live it. No more people-pleasing, no more fawning, no more letting others decide my life for me.

And doing that basically blasted the Limerence I had for this woman away, and I'll make sure it remains that way.

In a video about trauma, Dr. K discussed how, in a family in which one parent was abusive and the other was loving, the hardest thing to do is allowing yourself to show anger towards the loving parent. You feel so ashamed of being angry towards a person you love, that it turns into shame and you turn it inwards, beginning to hate yourself.

But... what if both your parents are the loving parent?

That's my life, and it sucks because of what they did to me.

It feels incredibly selfish and rude of me to feel angry at my two loving parents, who worked and provided, but I know I need to feel angry and hold them accountable for what they did to me.

They created an overprotected, anxiously-attached, people-pleasing, fawning, ineffectual young man, with no experience when it comes to the real world.

It's like a monkey who always got carried by both their parents when it needed to climb a tree. Now, it struggles to do it alone, because it never exercised that capacity.

And I loathe them for it. I hate that they took important formative opportunities from me. There are many I'm still insecure as it comes to it, because I never got to actually do them on my own and learn.

I never got gut punches from the world, so now, they hit extra hard. I was deprived of due contact with society *as it is*, and now, I'm struggling.

They robbed development from me with their love, and I will confront them.

I need to grow up already.

I (22M) am baffled even now.

How many years has it since I didn't seriously consider "quitting the game" (you know what I mean), because my coping mechanisms are faltering in face of the current situation?

I'm just mad now; mad that this Thing is making me seriously consider ending my run early, just so I don't have to struggle with it anymore.

I don't even care about LO (the person) at this point. Day after day, I think of them less and less... but LO (the limerent fantasy)? Oh, it's awful!

Quit trying to feed me images of her being all compassionate towards my struggle and taking me in with an "I'm sorry" and a warm hug, brain! That woman would never do that! It's just not who she is!

Quit wearing her face and using her voice, you monster! Face me like who you are, all my traumas included!

But don't make me think I need to give up on life. Don't give me the easy way out and make it look appealing!

I'm far too young, and I just want my life back. LO is LO and we know it, so let me be me, too!

I'm gonna dig myself out of this pit, so let me go!

Limerence is nothing more than an inner pattern you already had, that just happens to be activated by certain people. It's a sign that there is something you need to address, which could from an unmet need, up to a whole maladaptive way to look at your own life.

It's an unhealthy coping mechanism. Most people can't directly confront their Ego in order to know what's actually wrong, so the mind creates the trap of artificially inflating a completely regular person with the most impressive traits, promising you they could finally fix your problems for good, should you be with them.

And it's a lie. We eventually learn that it's a lie, but why can't we unattach?

Because you're treating the symptom, not the cause.

Trying to overcome limerence may seem obvious at first; you just need to stop idealizing LO, right? And you may think this involves cutting contact, trying to make them look bad in your mind, or stuff like that. We all tried that, but it doesn't usually work.

And that's because we're not really exercising something important: our capacity to be accurate.

The reason you went limerent in the first place is probably because you think too poorly of yourself, and to add to that, think too highly of the other. It's easy and intuitive to think anyone could be better than you, if you're lame, right?

Well, let me tell you this: you're not making an accurate assessment of reality on any level.

"So that means I should just gaslight myself into thinking I'm the best there ever was, and that LO is lame and lives in the mud?"

No, because that's also being inaccurate. No point in flipping the factors if the lie is the same, and after all, you wouldn't really believe it; believe it or not, your brain is smart enough to realize you're lying to yourself, even through literal Person Addiction — that's even how you came to realize you're limerent, not in love!

So, what you do is exercise your brain's capacity to make an accurate assessment of reality.

You might not be the greatest of all time, but you're not that bad and you know it. Just approach your own life with an open mind, accept your qualities as much as you accept your defects. Question the validity of your negative identity, not with an emotional discourse, but with logic and fact. Don't be the victim, nor the hero. Don't pep talk yourself; prove yourself scientifically instead.

"Why do I think I need this person to fix my life for me? What am I actually hoping to achieve here?"

"What makes me think I'm deficient/a loser/worse than others? If I really get LO, would that really disappear? Would it really be so simple?"

"In which fields of my life could I be allowing an overly pessimistic view to dictate how I think and act, concerning it? Is that really true or just an exaggeration? Why?"

"If it's really true, concrete proof and all, why does relying on someone else, that is just as human as me, to do romance novel-level stuff, sounds like the one, true answer? What can I do about that?"

"Let me take a look at my own life. In which fields/ways I'm actually thriving here?"

And do the same for LO. Look at them through lens of analysis, not admiration. Study their character. Put both the things that you like about them and the things you don't in the same level. Don't make an enemy out of LO. Don't artificially devalue them. Reanalyze the emotional narrative you created and debunk the loving and attentive character you brought forth, with reality.

"Would they really say these words I imagine them saying?"

"Could they really love me in the way I'm imagining they would?"

"What have they actually done for me? How did they actually treat me?"

"How much of this character I made of them just a bunch of my own needs, projected onto them?"

"Who are even they, really? What do I actually know, and not just imagined?"

Self-love isn't treating yourself kindly; it's consistently doing what you know you must, especially when it's unsightly or displeasing.

And getting rid of innacurate beliefs, in particular about yourself, is one of the best ways to start.

It's like exercising a muscle in the gym. It might feel hard at first, but keep doing it and results eventually show up.

I struggled with this for weeks, LO. I blamed you, blamed myself... I did all of the easy stuff and tried to call it, in order to end this. Nothing worked.

But now, I see. I understand it all. I reached the root of the issue, LO.

And I will never tell you these words; that's writing them here, for a bunch of internet strangers to hear. You won't ever know of what I found out and how it changes things for me, because you don't have to know.

I felt attracted to you because your attitude hurt my Pride, LO.

I know you don't care about any of this, and maybe, this is the very reason that led me to pursue you. You are cold, rational, unmoving and unimpressed... You are oblivious to my Pride. You are unconquerable.

"Conquest" - it's the world that ruled my life for 22 years. For 22 long years, I lived a life of willfully convincing people they must like me. I've charmed many, performed way too much, lied and inflated my own best qualities, just so they could like me.

My parents gave me all their love if I could achieve, if I could be whatever they wanted, if I could be ideal. And so, I learned "being loved" came from capturing people's graces. I grew to be a performer that uses the right mask for the right person.

And I always got it. I got their appreciation, their grace... their love.

But you? You never gave a damn, and it hurt my Pride. You denied Conquest.

Seeing you, treating me so coldly, ordinarily and distant, made me want to take you. I wanted to make you bend to my infinite gracefulness and charm, just like everyone before you did.

I set a goal: I just had to Conquer you.

And so I tried hard. I gave too much and sacrificed even more, but you never took on the things I threw. You began avoiding me, closing off, and that made me desperate.

I was losing. For the first time, I was losing in my Conquest. I couldn't charm you, couldn't seduce you with my wit or actions. No matter what I did, you never fell for it.

I wanted to hate you. I made a villain out of you in my mind. I treated you poorly in my own head in so many ways... Why couldn't you simply see?! What was stopping you from falling for me?!

I even convinced myself, briefly, that if I self-improved enough, at least on the outside, you'd notice you made a poor choice and would try to come back. I visualized you begging, saying "I was wrong" and "Give us another chance"... Things you would never do, just so I could feel better about myself.

But, deep down, I always knew this was wrong. Now, I know why.

I never knew my own worth, LO, and the fact you never treated me in any special way made me freak out. I needed to shut down that feeling. I needed to make sure there could be no questioning to my own worth. Your indifference to my charm awakened that.

I wanted to own you; make you into my ideal doll. And I was willing to do anything to break past that indifference.

But you proved to be the most well-guarded Castle City. No matter how many soldiers I send in my crusades, you always repel them, and my Pride in Conquest made me blind to the fact that I simply couldn't do it.

And it hurt so much to face the truth. As I said, deep down I always knew it, but learning what it truly meant and consciously taking it in made me the villain.

You never wanted this. I never wanted you - the real you, I mean. I wanted my dream of Conquest that you simply wouldn't give. You never treated me like the special person I wanted to be seen as. I was, always, just your equal.

Your passage in my life made me realize how poorly I truly think of myself. I don't truly believe in myself. I put up fronts; I smile when I want to cry; I force myself to talk big and loud, when inside I feel useless and unworthy.

I think I have no true substance outside of acting. I think that, if I don't charm and conquer, they won't like me for me.

That's all I know, LO, and it's scary to think of who I really am, if not the Prideful Conqueror. If I ditch the character, what will be left? I don't know, and that terrifies me. I never knew a "True Me".

But, this has to end, LO. I felt it. Maybe, there's a sufficiently good person underneath this shell, and this person will let go of this aimless quest. He is telling me that he will.

My masks don't quite fit anymore. They're feeling more and more uncomfortable. True Me is screaming, louder and louder. He wants out. He wants to see the world and show how much he can Love it.

"Love". A small, but existing flame, untouched by Conquest. Yes, I Love you, LO. I Love you. Love you, like I Love my parents, like I Love my friends, like I Love the food and the nice places, like I Love the well-written novels, the music I listen to and the daily exercise I do. I Love you as I Love life and the world, and that's why I know this is wrong.

There's definitely a side of me that can abandon that self-serving attitude; I just need to trust it, and that's why I'll drop my sword and walk back, away from your walls. I'll tell my valiant troops to retire. I'll release the cities from my forceful administration, and then, I'll take a long, long walk, through the green fields I never really paid much attention to, in my hunger for the next city to siege.

The Conqueror has to Conquer the most unknown territory: himself. Thanks for showing me that.

I, 22M, noticed a lot of my behavior and the way I see things in life has always been guided by this "I must have fought for it in order to enjoy it" logic.

If it comes too easy, I feel like I can't enjoy it. I finished HS at 17 with top grades, college at 22 with top grades, got into a residency program at the same 22, being the youngest one in my group (the second youngest is 25), and...

It felt too easy. In fact, it felt so easy I couldn't feel happy for it.

People keep telling me how great I am for all that, and how amazing it is that I got this far while being this young.

And while, logically speaking, I do realize I'm quite goated, my sole mental reaction to all the achievements is simply, "Oh, okay", because it was easy.

I can't appreciate good stuff that comes for "free". I realize I romanticize a perceived effort to such an extent, that it can get real bad.

For example, I fall hard for women who are emotionally unavailable. Now I realize that, for me, it's an attempt at a challenge — these women are my "vessels" for the concept of "conquering through hardship", and I feel nothing for women who actually like me from the get-go, and who would be more compatible, because there's no strife.

Is it just a matter of learning gratitude? Is it something else? Maybe a pattern from childhood? (I was trained to be an overachiever, so maybe that's it).

"Trying to reach out to you feels like drinking poison, thinking that this time it might hydrate me, while being fully aware that it's poison. I feel like I'm committing suicide, bit by bit, every time I try to get closer to you", said, to the Avoidantly Attached lady I was trying something with.

I'm an Anxiously-Attached dude, 22 (I know, rare stuff in internet sources!), and was briefly involved with a 25 Dismissive-Avoidant woman. Guys, it was just hell, so I come here to share some of the inputs I recently earned and am trying to apply in order to become more secure.

I really hope this can help more Anxiously Attached people navigate the dating game!

- Watch for even the earliest signs of Avoidance, that are already apparent during the friendship phase. If they don't look even mildly interested from the start, be warned. My mistake was thinking it was hot and that something could be done about it. If the person feels unavailable from the start, then they are. Take it at face value, always.

- They will look eager at first. First dates with Avoidants usually go fine. They will talk, connect, laugh with you... but then, they will suddenly cut you off and get distant in the following days. They have a lot of initial drive, but can't muster to sustain.

- Learn how to be emotionally authentic from the get-go. Ask for what you need. Avoidants will feel very inconvenienced by this, but Secure people won't. That's the easiest way to weed them out. Don't hide your necessity for attention and connection.

- If you're like me, you probably have a consolidated pattern of attraction to these people. Make a retrospective analysis of your past romantic interests/relationships, and watch it. If you're not distressed by Avoidance, but continuously attracted to it, that's the Abandonment Wound of Abandonment speaking.

- Make an effort to watch them from an analytical perspective. See if they forget details about you, act dismissive over stuff that's about you or don't reciprocate your efforts. The woman I was seeing confidently mispronounced my name once, even though we knew each other for over 2 months, and never again wore the bracelet I got her as a first date gift.

- You're going to continuously gaslight yourself into believing you can do it. "If I just compromise enough...", "If I just have enough patience with them...". Don't let yourself be fooled. This is a battle you can't win. You'll not get through the Avoidance Shell. No amount of love, patience or determination from you will be enough (quite the opposite!). You don't negotiate with the Devil.

- You fall for Avoidants because they're vessels for your own non-integrated qualities. They're an archetype to be "conquered". You want their love, just so you can replay the event that caused your initial attachment wound and try for a different ending. Remember: Insanity is trying the same thing twice, while expecting different results.

- Breadcrumbing feels addictive to you, but you must try to resist. One day, they dismiss you completely, but on the other, they say they want to watch "Movie Title" with you and only you...  Notice the trap that keeps you stuck and begin respecting yourself.

- In a similar vein, Avoidants get closer to you as you pull away from them. The woman I was seeing basically began glowing and being super friendly and close, as soon as I told I don't think this could work. She actually began to initiate conversation, to respond faster to my messages, now written in a strictly friendly tone... I won't buy it and it's important that you don't, too.

- On a similar vein, be prepared for the possibility that they might want to "try again" after some distancing time, claiming that "They see it now" or that they "feel it for real now". It's important that you don't listen to your heart. As you pull away, they feel comfortable again and might mistake that for a change in their own mind. State your hardest "no" and remember them of what happened the last time and how it's going to repeat once more.

- Give Secure people a chance. They won't give you the thrill of chase; they won't inject you with the adrenaline rush you mistake for "love". They are the dull people who don't usually get your attention. They're the right ones for you. You're conditioned to believe "constant stress equals attraction", and that programming is your responsibility to undo.

- Avoidants are overrepresented in the dating pool. Due to how hard it is for them to remain in a stable relationship, they will be circling around way more than Secure people, and don't usually date between themselves (Avoidant x Avoidant has too little drive from both parts to go anywhere past initial conversation or casual sexual encounters). Expect having to weed out a lot of people!

But also take note: Don't villanize Avoidants. They're not the Bad People. They're not Villains. They're friends, coworkers, family...

They're just not lovers. At least, not for you!

Today, I realized something: that I never actually ask for what I want, and it impacted my sense of self very deeply.

I'm 22M, and today I realized one of my deepest patterns, which has marked me for life and dictated my self-image. It happened as I pictured having a conversation with the woman I'm seeing (25F) about the situation of our rocky and Ill-defined relationship. I will actually meet her tomorrow and I'm fully confident in whatever I'm about to tell her, concerning us.

And as I spoke to her in my head, I really could listen to my true ideas about everything. My mental self wasn't angry; he was just honestly determined in a brazen way, and paying attention to what he was saying could actually quiet my anxieties concerning the future talk.

It also made me realize that all the things he said are the things I always denied in myself, and projected onto "vessels", as Dr. K explained in one of his most recent videos.

Today, I found out that I can be assertive, have clear limits and establish deals that don't involve sacrificing parts of myself for pleasing the other person. I also found out that, at some point, the message that "my needs don't matter" became my identity.

I have always been a meek guy; the kind-looking type that hides a lot of pent-up frustration. Instead of asking directly for what I want, I take the roundabout way, through strategies like Overgiving, Self-Sacrifice and People-Pleasing. I held a sign that says "walk all over me" and got mad (inwardly) when they actually took up on it, instead of appreciating me for it.

It also gave me new perspective in my own worth, and on the qualities I refused to look at in myself. I have a pretty bad self-image, an Anxious Attachment style that drives me crazy ("She will find someone better than me... I just know it! I have to fight for her attention, else she will leave me!").

But then, I had this wake-up call: I'm actually quite amazing.

Now, I know this is just as much of Ego as the previous message, but when I took a look at who I was at that mental talk, I felt it as "Me" for the first time. I heard myself speak in tones and terms and meanings I never thought I had in me. I realized I'm an invested, interested, driven to connection, passionate and extremely loving guy; that there aren't many like me out there; that I'm a man you (a woman) just can't lose. I'm an extremely devoted partner who will do his utmost best to make it work...

... But who can only do his part and for so long. He won't stick around forever for a woman who won't value him. He's a gourmet dish that somebody will relish on eating, and it might not be you (woman).

The woman who gets to have me will be the luckiest one, but she has to pick that luck with her own two hands.

I felt a sense of self-respect for the first time in my life. It doesn't matter as much if she is to find someone else or not; I just know I'm incredible in my own accord. Choices will be made, actions will be taken. Things will change.

For 22 years, I got the message backwards. I AM the actual catch here! And I wouldn't let a big fish like me swim away that easily. Your loss for taking me for granted and ceasing to invest as soon as you thought you got me!

I'll tell what really goes in my heart. Wish me luck, y'all.

Just passing here to remind y'all that ***YOU ARE ENOUGH*** and that there's nothing others have that you need. You are you, and you shine!