u/ThetiredAFmom

He stopped getting me gifts because I never appreciated them, and you stop putting in effort for people who don’t appreciate things apparently.

I am blowing this weekend’s incident out of proportion because I he didn’t violently whip his hat at the dog like I “allege”, and he would never hit his dog because he loves him.

I never worked on myself in therapy and couples counseling was him being ganged up on all the time, and it was about everything he was doing wrong.

Today was the official end of my marriage. I told him we married the wrong people and that was fine. That he could leave, and I would find a way to afford our apartment on our own. That there was no coming back from any of this. And I told him he had more chances than most men have to try and save their marriages and family, and he blew it.

I feel so free. I can’t wait to be a single mom next year. I don’t even care if he becomes the “fun parent” and I’m saddled with the most custodial time. He won’t be able to handle a full day by himself multiple times per week, especially overnights by himself, I don’t think he’ll go for 50/50.

All I need is my freedom and my baby.

I have a 102 degree fever and I’m sick right now. My husband had another freak out and whipped his hat at our dog tonight, then tried to convince me I didn’t see things the way I saw them. It turned into a blowup fight again. I told him I am not living with him after our lease ends next year.

I selfishly had my daughter because I wanted to be a mom. The years of infertility due to his health and steroid abuse should’ve been a deterrent. I knew what he was like and I thought he would change. He was nicer to me during pregnancy but fell asleep during the worst part of my labor and only was super hands on when people were watching. He’s been so cruel to me since she was born and has called me a bitch and told me to shut the fuck up. I thought he was capable of hitting me in April.

I’m such a piece of shit for bringing her into this. She is such a pure, happy soul and she’s growing up seeing this relationship as normal. I’m wiring this abusive bullshit into her nervous system.

I

Tonight he whipped his hat as hard as he could at our dog, I saw it. Then he told me I was overreacting and he did it much softer than I saw. When our dog was a puppy, he threw a speaker at him.

This man sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. He thinks it’s okay and I should just deal with it. He tells me I’m overreacting and he’s sick of my shit because I always have a problem with him.

I regret bringing my child into this abusive mess of a relationship. I have 11 months left on a lease with this man. I couldn’t leave because of finances so I resigned thinking I could get through it or maybe even things would get better. I have another fucking year of this shit.

I’ve told him to not leave grease all over dishes when he washes them. What do I find tonight? Grease all over the dishes. He does this fast to get them done without giving a shit about quality at home. Yet at work (he’s a chef in a popular restaurant) he tells me all about how he took apart their commercial mixer and hand washed every corner of it.

So you can do it for everyone else except me. Adding another thing to the list of resentment.

I absolutely refuse to take on one more fucking chore in this house.

Edit: sorry, I’m crying while writing this and I didn’t realize the typos in the title.

I was in “save my marriage” mode as newlywed. My husband has a lot of issues he wasn’t willing to work on until now. I told him I wanted a divorce in April (he threatened it multiple times over our marriage as a weapon, including 1 1/2 years in our marriage, right before Christmas).

He’s finally started going to individual counseling to work on himself, after years of my begging.

He’s making half hearted attempts to work on his anger issues. He used to stonewall me for days, yell and escalate normal conversations (like finances), and his behavior escalated after the birth of our child last year, including starting to call me a stupid fucking bitch and mentally ill.

We did couples counseling for a year and a half, because I told him if he didn’t go I was done with our marriage. He never implemented the skills we learned.

We haven’t had sex in three months. He half asses it to get the deed done.

He acted inappropriately online, including following half naked women.

Three weeks postpartum he expected to be able to go to the gym multiple times per week. I was watching the baby 70 hours or more per week with no break. The few times I was able to go out.m by myself, he practically timed how long I was gone and each time asked me when I was coming home; I was out less than two hours each time. I had horrible PPD and started fantasizing about driving my car in a tree. When I told him, he patted my shoulder and told me not to think like that. Didn’t even hug me, then walked away.

Weeks ago was our five year anniversary and it was a shit day. He told me he would sleep in bed that night, he didn’t. I cried about it and told him I’m mad that he never follows through on what he says. He said I was right and he needed to try harder. He never tried to sleep in bed with me since. I also cried over the fact that he showers our baby with love and affection and is so excited to see her, but he never shows that energy to me. Again, I’m right according to him, but he’s done nothing to change it except slapping my butt once and trying to kiss me a couple times a week in the morning.

Even if he did everything I’ve been begging for, I don’t know if I can recover from everything he’s put me through. He always tells me I’m right and he needs to change, but either changes for a couple days or doesn’t try at all.

We resigned our lease for this year. I couldn’t separate now because of finances. I’m starting to plan on getting my own place next year once the lease is up. When I imagine the next 20 years of my life, it breaks my heart to think of enduring this marriage for that long. I can’t have this be the example for my daughter.

I’ve told him I feel like we’ve been roommates for years, not a couple. I feel like I’m lying when I tell him I love him. I don’t think I love him anymore, and I don’t think anything he can do can make me love him again. I’m realizing he will never change.

And I don’t feel happy. I’m crying because I feel guilty because I didn’t get him a card, or put an effort into a gift, or anything for our milestone anniversary. He put in an effort for Mother’s Day and that was nice.

Things have been better since our blow up fight two months ago which led me to start divorce plans. He’s finally in therapy and trying to manage his anger. And working on his attachment issues.

Still no acknowledgement of all the hurt and pain of his actions over the years. We haven’t said “I love you” since April. This just feels like a hollow, empty day.

If he comes home with something for me, I’ll probably cry from guilt.

Cohabitating with my husband for now. Need to disentangle ourselves and financially separate before actual separation can happen.

Kept up the charade of self improvement for three weeks. Then a direct conversation about how I’m allowed to react a certain way to how he behaves, because he taught me over our five year marriage that that behavior leads to me being punished and ignored for an entire day set him off. And it turned into a series of deflections, plus a personal attack, when I asked him directly what I had said, and if he truly understood how I felt.

I knew this would happen, just wasn’t sure when.

I put up with this shit for too long. He’s finally in therapy, and I don’t care. He has a session today, and I don’t care how it goes. He’s lived for decades as a dismissive avoidant, plus being an emotionally abusive asshole; and he is incapable of change.

Yay! All my plans to have a nice day with my family are now out the window.

All because my dismissive avoidant shithead of a husband finally cracked and couldn’t keep the cycle up anymore. At least he made it three weeks without fighting with me and was actually useful around the house. But glad to see nothing has actually changed with him, and he’s still not ready to acknowledge his shit and how his behavior has impacted me over the years.

Hope his therapy appointment today is useful, but I know it won’t be.

In the process of separating. Granted, I told my husband to date and do what he wants, because I'm checked out of this relationship. But that doesn't give you cart blanche to stay out for hours at a time.

Yesterday his usual 1 1/2-2 hour gym trip was 3 hours. Tonight, he usually gets home from work an hour ago, and no sign of him.

You have a child, dude. You can't just stay out late without telling me because we're fighting and breaking up. I'm going on 13 hours of watching her solo so far today.

Also, he tried to justify his mistreatment of me as "everyone gets angry, it's a normal emotion". Yeah, everyone gets angry, but it's not an excuse to call your wife a stupid fucking bitch, tell her to shut the fuck up, or get enraged over the most minor things. He once got super pissed at me because I accidentally overfilled the humidifier. He made me cry. Granted, he did apologize, but shit like that to him is normal. He doesn't want to acknowledge that his behavior is abnormal, and his reactions are inappropriate.

Found an apartment I like today, and real tempted to sign on it.

I’ve never seen him so angry at me before. He practically hissed at me when telling me to be quiet, this is after he told me he didn’t want to speak to me anymore, then told me I was “mentally ill for real, and needed help”. I had told him not to bother with personal therapy for his issues if he didn’t want to, since it would’ve been for reconciliation, which wasn’t happening. I then snapped into nice/normal talking tone with him, because I’m not going to raise my voice. Apparently that made me “mentally ill”.

He grabbed our baby after that and stormed off.

We’ve barely spoken for a week and a half. I want out so bad.

It’s just a defense mechanism to say the nastiest thing to me to hurt me. But maybe, just maybe, I’m so “ill” as a result of your abuse over the years!

God, I wish he’d go bury his cocktail weenie in another woman and get out of my hair.

My DA spouse says the nastiest things in fights. This was the attack he made this morning, when I calmly and told him in a chipper tone not to bother looking into individual counseling if he didn't want to anymore, since individual counseling would be useful if we were working towards reconciliation. I've learned to do this instead of raising my voice at him.

I've been in therapy for years, and have tried to unpack the abuse I've dealt with at his hands. He needs therapy to properly process the trauma he experienced as a child that got him into the position he is now. He is a textbook DA, and I feel bad for him that he doesn't realize the impact his childhood has had on his ability to connect with others, and have healthy, warm, long-term relationships with people.

A DA spouse with an abusive streak is the worst.