u/This_Sleep_5237

In my head, being groomed is the truest form of love and being wanted. I can’t get rid of this belief. I feel like since I’m an adult and can’t be groomed anymore I’ll never be truly loved. I get jealous of younger girls who have/can currently have bad things happen to them. I’m not in that position anymore therefore I’ll never be as valuable again. I know it’s fucked up but I can’t think any other way.

I have a normal relationship, what any regular person would want and be completely happy with. I have deranged stupid thoughts like “yeah I wish I was younger so my boyfriend would *actually* want this relationship and get off to me” (I have no reason to believe he doesn’t want me already). Kind of makes me want to not be alive. I can’t handle the jealousy and ugliness I feel and I can’t tell anyone or explain it or they think I’m crazy.

I really see that certain dynamic as deeper love that I’m missing and will never have. I wish I was younger. It’s so bad I can’t even see beauty in other adult women or understand why any male would want someone who’s already experienced life, void of innocence, pre-used. I know it’s wrong but that doesn’t change it. It’s bad to admit all this but whatever. I guess this is who I am. I have a mental wall built up where I believe I’m right and everyone else is blind to the truth or they’re coping and lying to themselves.