u/ThrowRAOpeningOk4704

I [28F] and my bf [32M] have been together for 2.5 years and have been living together for 1 year. Before we moved in we spent a lot of quality time together, but I guess that’s because it was always intentional when we met up.

Now that we live together, things are different. We don’t really have planned dates and if we do it’s because I asked or planned it. We work, come home, eat dinner together while watching something on tv (he’s usually scrolling on his phone and then I do too because he is) then he’ll usually play his video games while I watch something else in another room or we’ll watch something on tv while he scrolls on his phone. That is pretty much our life.

I feel like we don’t spend quality time together and I’ve told him this. He gets frustrated when I bring it up because he thinks we “spend enough time together” as we live together. He also is often on his phone while I try to talk to him or say something, even when I’m venting my concern about this. He’ll put the phone down if I start getting heated or he’s getting frustrated.

I know we should have our own time together, and I don’t care that he plays games every night, but it’s starting to feel like we’re just housemates? He thinks I’m asking too much. I literally asked him if he thought we spent quality time together and he said “yes we live together”. To him, the idea of literally living in the same house is time spent together.

I’m starting to feel alone and like a housemate in the background rather than a partner. I’m scared to ask him to spend one on one time or talk to him because his lack of attention or focus on me feels pretty awful. He’s been working a lot lately which is fine and I respect he wants down time, but I genuinely think if I stop asking to watch a movie together or hang out together then it’ll never happen.

What should I do? How can I incorporate quality time on a smaller scale (cheap/short time bursts) so that he doesn’t feel like I’m asking for too much?

TLDR - bf thinks we spend enough time together because we live together, whereas I don’t think we spend enough quality time together. He’s often either playing video games or scrolling on his phone, and he thinks me physically being in the vicinity doing something else or going on my phone as well is “quality time”.

We’ve been together for 2.5 years and have had a pretty tumultuous time. We love each other dearly hence why we’ve stayed together and it has improved over the years. I recently moved in with him though and I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I’m noticing little things about his personality that either make me wince or make me feel completely alone unheard and alone. He barely uses manners when he asks me to do things for him around the house or in general, he hates his family, does not wish to be close to mine and usually drags his feet to my family events (family is very important to me), most of the time whenever I ask for a hug or a kiss he says “why” or “he’s busy” in a very cold and dismissive way, and if I comment about it he eventually allows it. He rarely says I love you or compliments me unless I ask or say something about it. When he’s in a mood or had a bad day he wants nothing to do with me, and instead of talking about it or maturely stating he wants to be alone he says things like “what?” “What do you want?” “Leave me alone” in really dismissive way. When I try to talk to him or say his name. He says I create drama when I tell him that his coldness and emotional rejection hurts me, he rolls his eyes. I do everything he asks and when I ask him to do something for me it usually results in a sigh or he just says “why would I/why can’t you”. He doesn’t really care about my interests and when I start to talk about something he goes on his phone, walks off or just blatantly says he’s not interested if I ask why he doesn’t listen to me. He shows very little empathy when I express things I’m sad about or thinks I’m just always complaining (even though he complains the most and claims it’s because he has “real issues” worth complaining about).

Here’s the thing. I know he loves me. It’s good a lot of the time. He’s just so cynical and glass half empty and doesn’t show a lot of emotion anymore, but I know he does love me. I think it’s just who he is. But in the beginning he send me the sweetest messages and would gush over me on text, and say nice things more often in person, but now that we’re 2.5 years in and live together I barely see any of that. I understand that for some people that fades over time and what I’m experiencing is probably normal, at least that’s what he says. I guess it’s just his rudeness, coldness and lack of empathy for the small things that’s getting to me, but I’m worried that I’m being overdramatic and that’s normal behaviour/I’m just too sensitive. He can say hurtful things in the moment when we argue and rarely apologises for it as he doesn’t think it should’ve offended me so it’s essentially a me problem. Maybe I am the problem. I can’t tell if this is just his personality and it’s completely normal and healthy and I’m just too sensitive.

Does anyone else have a bf or experience with one where they are hot and cold and usually pretty aloof and unaffectionate/unempathetic? If so, how do you cope?

He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t cheat on me, doesn’t scream at me. So I am worried if I walked away it would be for stupid little reasons that are normal in relationships. We have also been through so many other huge stuff that I worry this is not something people would break up over and I’m overreacting to his behaviour, and what a waste of the time we’ve shared and things we HAVE gotten over, if that makes sense.

We’ve been together for 2.5 years and have had a pretty tumultuous time. We love each other dearly hence why we’ve stayed together and it has improved over the years. I recently moved in with him though and I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I’m noticing little things about his personality that either make me wince or make me feel completely alone unheard and alone. He barely uses manners when he asks me to do things for him around the house or in general, he hates his family, does not wish to be close to mine and usually drags his feet to my family events (family is very important to me), most of the time whenever I ask for a hug or a kiss he says “why” or “he’s busy” in a very cold and dismissive way, and if I comment about it he eventually allows it. He rarely says I love you or compliments me unless I ask or say something about it. When he’s in a mood or had a bad day he wants nothing to do with me, and instead of talking about it or maturely stating he wants to be alone he says things like “what?” “What do you want?” “Leave me alone” in really dismissive way. When I try to talk to him or say his name. He says I create drama when I tell him that his coldness and emotional rejection hurts me, he rolls his eyes. I do everything he asks and when I ask him to do something for me it usually results in a sigh or he just says “why would I/why can’t you”. He doesn’t really care about my interests and when I start to talk about something he goes on his phone, walks off or just blatantly says he’s not interested if I ask why he doesn’t listen to me. He shows very little empathy when I express things I’m sad about or thinks I’m just always complaining (even though he complains the most and claims it’s because he has “real issues” worth complaining about).

Here’s the thing. I know he loves me. It’s good a lot of the time. He’s just so cynical and glass half empty and doesn’t show a lot of emotion anymore, but I know he does love me. I think it’s just who he is. But in the beginning he send me the sweetest messages and would gush over me on text, and say nice things more often in person, but now that we’re 2.5 years in and live together I barely see any of that. I understand that for some people that fades over time and what I’m experiencing is probably normal, at least that’s what he says. I guess it’s just his rudeness, coldness and lack of empathy for the small things that’s getting to me, but I’m worried that I’m being overdramatic and that’s normal behaviour/I’m just too sensitive. He can say hurtful things in the moment when we argue and rarely apologises for it as he doesn’t think it should’ve offended me so it’s essentially a me problem. Maybe I am the problem. I can’t tell if this is just his personality and it’s completely normal and healthy and I’m just too sensitive.

Does anyone else have a bf or experience with one where they are hot and cold and usually pretty aloof and unaffectionate/unempathetic? If so, how do you cope?

He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t cheat on me, doesn’t scream at me. So I am worried if I walked away it would be for stupid little reasons that are normal in relationships. We have also been through so many other huge stuff that I worry this is not something people would break up over and I’m overreacting to his behaviour, and what a waste of the time we’ve shared and things we HAVE gotten over, if that makes sense.