u/Tikanias

I know this probably sounds crazy.

I recently found out my partner of nearly 9 years was cheating on me online for the majority of our relationship. Well, to say I recently found out isn't entirely truthful. I knew and was in denial for years. I just found out the entire extent this month and finally asked him to move out.

It's been rough. Looking back, I can clearly see that the majority of our relationship was not healthy or good for me. I think he has a tremendous amount of shame and was incapable of ever being honest with me, even if he knew that it hurt me.

The break up, for me, hasn't been as rough as someone would expect after 9 years. I am sad and angry and feel betrayed, yes, but I am also allowing myself to feel hope for the first time in years. I am excited to find myself again, especially after realizing how much he was dragging me down. I am looking forward to the future. And there is no part of me that desires to get back together with him.

Since the break up we have had a couple of long and open conversations. He told me that he has been reflecting and realized and regrets how little respect he gave me in the relationship. He apologized and said he wished he could do everything differently. I told him it meant a lot to hear that apology, even if it's too late, and I hope that he works on himself and gets a good therapist.

The most difficult part of all this will be leaving our friendship behind, especially because I consider his family my family, and also because we will be splitting up our cats. I keep wondering if there is some future where we can rebuild a friendship and stay in each other's lives. But I'm also concerned that future is just going to be a world of hurt for me, and a reminder of what never happened.

I found my ex's Twitter and Reddit accounts last week. Thousands and thousands of pornography posts. He must of been dedicating nearly all of his time not spent with me to this. He was asking random women for nudes, and at some point event posting nudes of himself.

I knew this was coming. 6 years ago I found a chat in his phone, he met someone on a discord server and the entire chat was filled with porn. He sobbed and begged me not to leave him. I didn't.

A year ago I was helping him with an assignment and when I went to save, it came up to a folder filled of naked women. Same thing. I was emotionally numb. Convinced myself he would stop. Well, he didn't.

When I confronted him about the accounts, he lied. I just told him to leave. We were supposed to celebrate 9 years later this year. I have spent my entire adult life with him and he just took advantage of me. He spent more time, money and effort into his fantasies than he ever did with me. I wish I would've broken up with him so long ago. I don't know how I am ever going to heal from this.

I ended our relationship yesterday. He is moving out this week.

We have been together since we were 18. We are going to be 28 in a couple of months. We have been through so much together. We grew into adults together. We were talking about getting married and having children.

I am so lost. I have suspected this for so long, that when I finally got confirmation I almost felt relieved that I was not insane. But a big part of me wishes this was not real life. I wish I could keep lying to myself and everything was okay again.

I don't have a healthy relationship with my family. I've never have a healthy relationship before him. The only thing keeping me going is I have some amazing friends. But this is by far the worse feeling in the world, to realize you meant nothing to something you spent so much of your life loving.