u/Tiny_Excitement_6204

for as long as i can remember up until now ive been a pathological liar, id lie about big things, small things, horrible things, pointless things, it was like i wanted to be a different person with a traumatic past and random experiences. for example throughout the entirety of middle school i told everyone i lived in australia and even had an address and a town that i lived in. eventually i had to stop lying because i got into a fight with my friend and she said she was going to report me for doing drugs because i often lied about doing drugs and i had to tell her i never did that and i just lied to her about everything.

as most people who have a hard time controlling their impulses do, i said things in the heat of the moment that i often regretted later, some things were hurtful to others and others were just manipulation tactics like how id threaten to commit die (not sure if reddit will get mad at me) to make people change the way they felt about me, like how id also self arm mainly just so i could say i did it or for attention. everything felt like i was just putting on a show and the things i struggled with deep down was not knowing who i was as a person anymore.

id feel myself slowly losing my grip on reality and it felt like if the situation was bad enough i could just lose all empathy for others and wish horrible things onto people. it felt like i had no control over what i said when i went into fits of rage and when the dust settled i barely remembered what happened and i get upset at those that i’ve probably hurt for being mad at me because i dont truly see the wrong in what i did or even remember what i did wrong.

but then there will be these periods of time where i felt completely fine and wouldn’t dream of doing any of that and id actually feel like a good person because it feels like i do bad things and stuff but deep down i truly have good intentions i just don’t know what’s happening it feels like there’s just something evil in me causing all this harm to the people i care about and im left to clean up the mess.

to those who’ve watched obsession recently i felt like nikki exactly. like there’s something in me that acts completely batshit and then there’s me and i just don’t know what to do with it and i want out. it’s genuinely ruined my relationships with people i care for and my life as a whole i feel like i can’t maintain any sense of self. please if anyone knows what this could be so i can look into it i would be super grateful i know most things like bipolar disorder you can’t get a proper diagnosis until you’re over 18 but i have a history of bipolar disorder and erratic behavior on both my mom and dads side so im thinking that might me something to consider.

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