u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw

So I have spent this week trying to formulate an exit plan. I have been told by my therapist, psychiatrist, primary care doctor, country resource representative, and now multiple women's and DV shelters that being in a polyamorous relationship you don't want is not abuse. Basically I have been told that my situation is my own fault and there are no resources available to help me escape because I'm not in an abusive relationship.

So. Stop telling people in these relationships to go to shelters or doctors for help. They will be turned away. It will make their situation much worse psychologically.

Back home less than a week. Husband has a date tonight. I'm not allowed to discuss any of my feelings about said date despite the fact that he and meta know i don't consent to this arrangement.

oh and i have to provide the childcare too. aren't i lucky?

I've only recently been reading about Santa Muerte recently because there is a large devoted compound being built in my state and everything I have read resonates with me in a way nothing spiritual ever has before. My abuela was a devotee but as a kid my dad basically lied to me about it (white supremacy when you're brown is wild, y'all). So now I'm rediscovering some of my heritage and may begin a devotional. Where did you get started? Thank you!

**You can check my post history for more details about this but the TLDR background information necessary to understand the ask I'm thinking about but have NOT made yet is:

For 20+ years I have been in a PUD situation. My spouse considers polyamory a core part of his identity and is unwilling to really negotiate on that in any kind of meaningful way. For economic, logistical, emotional, and disability reasons on all sides I am currently trapped in the relationship/cohabitation with this partner. I have done oodles and oodles of therapy. I am doing everything in my power to cope with being in this arrangement without taking that out on my partner. **

In chatting with my therapist this week, the question was asked what, if any, structural requests or changes would I make to the dynamic in a perfect world that would help me to feel less constantly on edge and panicky. After 24 hours of thought, the only thing I could come up with that would (I think) change anything in a meaningful way would be to request that neither of us intentionally seeks out new partners. Functionally, that would really just mean that there'd be an agreement that neither of us would be on the dating apps looking for new romantic/sexual partners. I'd be willing to agree that if something were to happen organically - like meeting someone at a party, friends or member of a hobby group developing a deeper connection etc etc etc (all the non dating app ways you could meet someone) - pursuing that would be totally fine and within the bounds of the agreement.

the goal being to take one trigger of the "constant possibility of meeting or seeking out a partner that could become a game changer" (if you've read polysecure/polywise you know what i mean) by being on the apps and constantly seeking new partners.

it doesn't sound unreasonable to me on paper. Our current agreements are not complex at all and boil down to:

- be honest about other connections when they form and where they're going (within reason and when you're aware, this is NOT a heads up rule. it's a "hey something changed and it's this" type of agreement)

- use barriers for penetrative sex or inform me if barriers are skipped and understand that means using barriers with me for a period of time

- we don't plan dates on nights we have custody of our son (this has some wiggle room built in for milestones, celebrations, and concerts that are date specific but in general we dedicate the time he's here to him)

- STI screening every 3 months and a preference for seeing STI results from potential partners that are less than 3 months old before engaging in sex OR informing me that sexual contact was made without seeing STI results with the understanding this may mean barrier usage with me

- we don't bring other partners back to our house and other partners do not meet our son.

- no veto power, no requirement to meet metas (in fact i vastly prefer parallel), no limits on how a relationship can develop physically or emotionally, complete autonomy to set up dates

I haven't brought this up with my partner yet because I'm not sure how he'd respond to it. I'd like to get some feedback from folks who actively date to see if this is an agreement they'd make with a duressed monogamous nesting partner before I even bother bringing it up to him.

Wondering about your experience if you've upgraded to the new CoCounsel that includes LLM and Westlaw research powers. I've been able to do some neat stuff with it but it's not as good as Eve Legal. Curious what others experience with it has been.

There I fucking said it. Not only is it just as toxic as regular polyamory, it actually puts people who are not legally married in triads in an even more vulnerable position ripe for abuse and harm. The people who think they're better because they're spicy monogamous are often worse.

Just got banned from r/polyamory for being Poly Under Duress and not willing to lie about it. Cool. Love the "community support"

I just want to scream into the void for a few minutes to people who hopefully understand a little bit. I am open to suggestions or advice, but if you're going to give me the "you're doing nothing this is your fault" speech, save it because i'm not interested while i'm literally actively working 3 jobs.

The Lore: I have been married to my spouse for 23 years, polyamorous since day 1. I have never wanted a polyamorous relationship. When we got together I was 17 and he was 19. I came up from an extremely abusive home life and I am not conventionally attractive - both of which resulted in bullying over my appearance along the lines of "no one will ever love you" my entire life. my familiar nickname as a preschooler was "fea" spanish for "ugly". So when I met my spouse and he fell for me, i fell hard. thinking it wouldn't ever happen for me. Pretty immediately he met a 40yr old woman that started grooming and abusing us both under the guise of polyamory mentorship. She sexually assaulted me and coerced him into relationships and acts he never would have consented to. it was a nightmare and by the time we were through it, he and i were living together and had started building a life. So we got married. I stayed.

I don't know why I stayed. I guess because I believed all those voices from my childhood that said this was the only change I'd ever have. I also have a slew of mental health issues CPTSD, autism, ADHD, GAD, and treatment resistant depression. Unfortunately at this point I don't know how to separate or quantify how much of that is to do with my past/present poverty and struggle and how much is because the polyamorous dynamic I'm in is doing constant cumulative damage to my nervous system.

The Present: Still together. He has one other partner that he's been with for 14 years and they have a kid together that we have all been raising as an equal team of 3 for the past decade. This is the main reason I'm still here - I love my son and he's non-verbal high support needs autistic. It would be disruptive to remove myself from his life and I have no legal rights to him if I exit the marriage. I think my meta would work out visitation, but I was the first person to hold him after he was born. I've seen him pretty much daily ever since. I don't want to be just a cool aunt to him, I want to keep being mom.

We're also poor as fuck. everyone is adhd/autistic/mentally ill. and my spouse and I are paycheck to paycheck and stuck in a lease until May 2027.

The thing is, now I feel like I'm trapped and it's my fault. Years upon years of therapy and 2 decades of my spouse coming home to me (and he also doesn't really seek out new partners, if it happens organically he explores it but he's not a pokemon collector thank fuck) haven't helped me to feel any more secure in the dynamic. He honors the agreements, my boundaries, our safety, and his responsibility. There's no lying or chaos or drama.

It's the structure that is killing me. It's feeling like I'm not enough and I have no agency. Like there's constantly the possibility someone will come along with a better offer or that will change how he feels about me. That will destroy the life I've built, the business we own together, and my access to my kid.

The structure is the problem and nobody around me seems to get that. I'm not saying it's the problem for everyone, I know plenty of happy poly people who are old and boring and loving it. but for ME? this is constant. cumulative. damage.

I'm working 3 jobs and working on my relationships with my meta and my outside social support in hopes that when the lease is up, maybe we'll be in a better position economically but I'm not optimistic about it given you know. the current regime.

Kind of looking for advice, kind of just trying to sort out my feelings but anything you can offer is probably helpful.

I (40nb) have been in a polyam relationship with my spouse Apple (43nb) for almost 25 years. We have been poly since day 1. When we got together, I was only 17 and in the early stages there were a lot of mitigating factors that made me stay including being from an abusive household that I desperately wanted to get away from and early on we were both groomed by someone twice our age with some really unethical polyamory habits and ideas.

Apple has certainly made mistakes throughout the course of our relationship including lying, cheating, and breaking agreements/crossing boundaries. We've done extensive therapy and trust rebuilding work since then and he's changed his habits quite a bit. His current practicing of polyam is very ethical and honors both our mutual agreements and my boundaries (which aren't crazy, but I'm happy to elaborate if you'd like).

Here is the issue I'm facing - it's been this long, the practices are ethical, the trauma has been worked through and yet every single time my spouse is with one of his other partners, even the one who has been around for 14 years and is one of my best friends, i have horrific panic attacks.

Last week he had a casual date with another partner he's been seeing about a year and I panicked about it for 6 entire days. 3 days leading up to it, the day of and 2 days after.

I don't know how to stop this and convince my nervous system that i'm safe and it's really wearing on me.