u/Tokugawa_bonaparte

feel in a terrible situation, both where i don't have an absolute answer.
my mother is suffering from huntington's disease, symptons appeard during covid. with time i slowly distanced away from her since i couldn't see her as the same person whom i once dearly loved. Day before yesterday as i was crying, she noticed and came while suffering from intense chorea, came and sat beside me, asking me why am i crying. she recounted some events from past, telling me to tell what happened like a 100 times before i told her to go away. i even asked her who are you to which she said that i'm the mother of me and my sister.
my questions feels silly but now she feels like a stranger from whom i've distanced but i still cry looking at her pittiful condition, doing nothing all day, rotting in bed.

because I grew so distant from my mother, i formed a close bond with my teacher. i still look up to her as my mother figure and i love her the most and to be frank i love only her, i'm only emoionally attached to her. She also used to call me her son and telling me so many things. i'm not re-telling it all, just read in my previous posts, sorry. Recently she distanced herself from me and i feel shattered. i feel alone, so so so alone, without someone to fall back to.

EVERY DAMM THING IS MY FAULT, EVERY DAMM THING. IT WAS MY FAULT TO DISTANCE AWAY FROM MY MOTHER AND MY FAULT OF THINKING OF MY TEACHER AS IF SHE REALLY LOVE ME LIKE HER SON AND WOULD LOVE ME FOREVER. Like i should've been close to my mother through the thick and thin, i should've helped her, i should've bettered and retained my bond with her but i threw it away just because she couldn't speek, stand properly and lost her presence in my life just because she her presence could only be felt tangibly like cooking food or tutoring me? THAT'S AN EVEN WORSE REALISATION, HOW FUCKING SELFISH OF ME. until now i felt i loved my mother but perhaps i never knew what is meant by loving someone until recently. As for the teacher, i don't want to blame her since she was just helping me and has helped many students who'd lost parents or were also suffering BUT IT'S ONLY FUCKING ME ME ME WHO GOT OVERDEPENDENT ON HER, WHO GOT TOO ATTACHED TO HER ! WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?????

THIS ALL MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO DIE. however i don't intend to commit suicide, i'm too scared to do it, but i wish that a heart attack or stroke too me.

For the past days i was crying each day, each day felt terrible because i was grieving the bond i had with my teacher but on top of this the pain of not being close to my mother or something else makes me more sad. it all feels so complex now and so heavy to carry.

I just wish either i die or my real mother does. it seems even more selfish and evil but i seriously can't comprehend how to deal with this new realisation that perhaps her brain didn't die out completly and it was me who distanced, not her condition alone.

i don't normally beg but i beg someone to help me, this all is unbearable, though writing this all out has relieved me a bit, i know that each subsequent day will be 10x worse than it already was. Fuck me.

Yesterday, i won the award for best journlist in my school's Model United Nations. Even the aforementioned teacher said such things which woudl've easily uplifted my mood which has been pretty depressed over the past few weeks.

However i don't know why, even with a smile on my face, i coudln't feel joy, i coudln't and can't feel 'full' or content for the lack of a better term. perhaps because i came to later know that only i and the one who got the second position had crossed 70 marks in total and rest of the journalists were in 30s, even then the margin between me and the 2nd winner was of 0.5 or because of the old pains which still keep me hollow.

<just a general vent ahead>

i can't fucking believe how it all went from a fairy-tale to a battlefield. in 10th i remember i used to tell my friends proudly that i'll never get depressed or commit suicide, yet here i'm, perhaps both. in the begining of this year, the aforementioned teacher used to say such stataemenrs which used to uplift me as much as i'm depressed now : "I will always love you my dear son", "Keep smiling as it's important for someone on the other side of the phone" (she called me on mother's day and said this), we used to play a game i'm happy where each of us had to say 'i'm happy' whenever we met. now i'm as low as high as i was then. back then my heart used to be filled, me feeling relaxed, content, at peace, feeling like i can conquer the world, now i just want to perish, with or without pain but without my own hands since yk i'm too scared to just do it but too depressed to have hope.

for my situation, i can currently think of one question from all the mothers out there:
consider the following sentences :
1-I love you a lot my dear Son
2-I was, I am and I shall always be there for you My Son !
3-I love you like my own Son
4 - (saving someone's contact in the phone as "{THEIR_NAME} Son")
and similar sentences carrying some feelings of a mother-child bond
question -> Do these words carry deep meaning or weight? To whom would you say such things? To be specific, would you say such things to anyone or for someone you feel motherly love? Its not rethoric, it's a genuine question i have now.

TL;DR:
basically to be short, I'd a really great bond with my teacher and she said all those things to me and i felt that i could love her as if she was my mother (my real mother isn't in a healthy state, like a living coarpse she is). recently, i've indirectly deduced that she perhaps never meant those things, or if she did i took it too too too very extreemly literally.
i don't know why i thought that she did love me as if i were her son. now because i'm so shattered by this realisation, she noticed this in school and asked me whether i was okay and after a while she said that her only concern was my academics (i gave up on everything literally, mostly studying since its the only real thing i've. i told her that i'd stopped studying).
I feel just broken, my heart shattered in a million shards and each one cutting me. Perhaps i felt that she actually loved me like her son and thus I'd permission to love her back as my lost mother, ie i lent too much in the idea that she was my mother. Now looking on this statement i feel stupid but I thought that perhaps love can transcend blood relations, but maybe i'm wrong.
It's said and it's true that the a mother-child bond is the purest bond in the world, but that purity is poisining me. I literally can't funciton without crying over this.
You can argue i got overdependent on her for i literally drew my motivation to study, work for ambitions, even have a smile on my face etc. from this bond in order to make her proud, perhaps as a son might want. I feel stupid for wanting love, that too of a mother's which is impossible to get once lost.
Now i'm finding it terriblly hard to looking at her as just a teacher since she felt like a close family person to me, the closest one too, the only one to be fair as well. I'm deeply greiving what i thought i had.
I've two analogies i think might fit:
1- i feel like that poor raggpicker boy for a single reason from a story. the author asks why doesn't he go to school? the raggpicker answers that there isn't one. the author asks whether he'll come to her school if she built one. the next time the raggpicker meets the author he pesters her with the question of whether the school has been built ? she didn't think much about her statement but for him it filled every corner of his bleak world.
2 - Earlier, i was carving love, none to be found at home or outside. it was like i was at the bottom of a concrete well where the walls were of bricks and a good world outside the well. with the love of my new-found mother-figure (the teacher, as if reincarnated literally, as if God felt bad for taking her away and bestowed upon me her) i climbed each day out of the well by climbing the cylndrical walls of the well. however the recent events have made me fall hard on the concerete and the fall itself has exacerbated the pain i earlier had, of slowly lossing my mother to a disease and her absence.
I have talked about all this in grave details on other subreddits and i feel like i'm stretching this issue too much, more than required. perhaps i'm just being unreasonable at this point. maybe i should just man-up or well "boy-up", haha. i hope i'm not being like those people who talk about their broken relationships for 2 years straight which they could overcome in no more than a week, am I?

I've gone over this too many times, i'm tired to even list it all in grave detail
Basically, i (17m) had a really good bond with my teacher (45f). i looked upto her as a mother figure and shee too called me her son. i don't know if it was something fancy like transference and what not but i was very very emotionally attached to her.

this all started in 10th grade when the session had begun for a month or two and she called me up one day to talk, and i remember little of that discusson but it was mostly about her admiring how different i'm from the other kids, in terms of my interests like opera or european history and told me that i can come and have talk with her just about before the final class ends on mondays and fridays. i went to her every monday and friday and used to talk about languages, places, history, and i also used to help her with some work. she also helped me get over a crush i'd on someone with whom i'd formed a good relation but she didn't like me back and i felt terrible about it.

In 11th grade, i was mostly slient around and a bit sad because i couldn't go and talk with her like the previous year. she tried to ask me 2-3 times throughout the year as to what happened to me but i could never express myself.

This year, ie 12th grade, everything was a terrifying rollercoaster. basically she consoled me and said so many things throughout the months which made me go from seeing her as a mother figure to literally looking up to her as my actual mother (sounds dumb perhaps). She called me her adopted son, said that she always felt that we had a connection from the past life, addressed me many a times as her son and one time when i wrote to her that probably i shouldn't have looked up to her and called her my mother as she isn't able to give me that attention or (something similar i forgot) she sent me a picture of her calling me and my contact name showing as : "{my name} Son" and then over the phone said in a bit of a passive agressive way that if i want more proof.

However recently this relation has been under strain, and i'd say collapsed totally. This had been building for a month prior to this one perhaps. she told me to not greet her, to stop asking if she's happy (we used to play a game "jolly" where you've to draw a dot on you wrist with ink and the person who doesn't have it has to compensate others who have it in chocolates so a variation of it was that instead of saying jolly and showing our ink we'd say "i'm happy". it did boost my moral for a bit perhaps just because of the positive talk for the first time in the longest time), to stop trying to visit her etc. from another conversation i remember i could pick that she doesn't want this bond to remain. at this point, i've realised that such a bond was obviously never meant to last, BUT I IMPLICITLY THOUGHT, I'D THAT IN MY SUBCONCIOUS MIND THAT SIE IST MEINE MUTTER !!! ABER NICHT. her reasoning for going away was that not only what i was thinking of the relation is perhaps too far, she was also advised by the school counselor that i'm too dependent on her and probably she might've also told her to distance herself from me but also that others in the school are viewing our relation with suspicion.

because the bond is unoficially in the grave, i'm kind of paralysed. a few weeks ago life had lost all it's meaning for me, all motivations and ambitions seemed worthless and i just and still cry a lot about it, though now i can keep it in myself but not for long. today i heard one of her voice notes which she sent to me on mother's day after i'd sent her a poem for that ocassion - "... and i love you a lot my dear son". literally every day i sleep an hour or two later than when i'm already in bed, lights out because i can't stop stressing over this issue.

I don't know what is right or wrong, if i was just a verreckter dummkopf (basically a **** idot) for having thought of her as my mother. i don't want to blame her in any manner, after all she was trying to help me but i think it was mostly my fault. i genuinely feel that i was at 99.99 % fault but she was at lim x->0 fault where x % is her fault (basically 0.000....1%). her only fault was to use such strong words and phrases which encouraged my brain to look at the relation as permenent God gifted mother-son bond. i literally saw so many similarites between her and my own mother. i feel like she never realised how deeply i felt about what she said. i don't know if even this was wrong or not, perhaps i should've been a bit more sensible, perhaps people say these things all the time and something was wrong with me who took it in a serious manner. i take almost all things at their face value and certainly things so close to heart.

I don't have much friends aside from two, i don't like my father, heck he feels like a stranger to me and my mother is suffering from huntengton's disease and is in a pittiful state. she seriously loooks so so different and depressing than she was pre-disease. she can't walk properly and has abandoned going out of the house entirely, she can't communicate in a normal way, her cognitive ability has taken a hard plument. so basically, no emotional connect with anyone except her.

speaking of my father, one thing which exacerbates my sorrow is that the aforementioned teacher's recent advice for me is to just get along with him. i've told her that in my childhood he used to beat me up for un-reasonable things like playing games or watching youtube and even if the reason was a bit reasonable like academics, he'd go a bit too much with it. it was always my mother who protected me but that rapscallion sometimes beat her too and that scene of him beatin her is so engrained in me, i can't forgo it. uptill 9 / 10th grade too he used to taunt me for academics. though now he's much much nicer to me for some reason, i can't feel any love for him. but my teacher tells me that whatever he did is not that big of a deal since she too beats her kids and they still love her, that i'm being unreasonable. i respect my father a lot, a lot. he is breaking his back off by supporting me and my younger sister financially and even preparing our lunches in the morning, sleeping less to get my sister ready for school, working in his back-breaking business and taking care of his now lifeless wife in my opinion. however i don't love him, not a bit because love cannot be enforced. my teacher's advice (more of a tool to get herself away from me as i view it but also majorly a genuine concern she's) however just makes me question my ideas about what's right and wrong, whether i'm right in not loving him or not or whether i'm reasonable or not.

i'm seriously going mad over thinking about the things she said. i cannot digest the sudden sharp shattering of our bond. i'm literally shattered into a thousand pieces and each piece pierces my heart each day. this might sound too overly poetic or cliche or exageration or hyperbole or what not but.... i'm just..... lost and broken. i just want to cry as much i can about it but other things show up to mind like the different exams, prepration for them, sutyding daily which i'm unable to do . i don't know what i should do. i cannot accept that the bond is over, perhaps not until i get it in clear words from her, but...anyway. thanks for reading this far.

in the end, i think i'm unable to accept that the relation was never meant to be kept because i attached to it as if my life depended on it (and to me it did) and detatching feels like removing 2 pieces of paper glued with an adhesive (ik weird analogy but that's the best i can do).
any comments, opinions, advice? literally anything. it doesn't even need to be positive.

I've gone over this too many times, i'm tired to even list it all in grave detail
Basically, i (17m) had a really good bond with my teacher (45f). i looked upto her as a mother figure and shee too called me her son. i don't know if it was something fancy like transference and what not but i was very very emotionally attached to her.

this all started in 10th grade when the session had begun for a month or two and she called me up one day to talk, and i remember little of that discusson but it was mostly about her admiring how different i'm from the other kids, in terms of my interests like opera or european history and told me that i can come and have talk with her just about before the final class ends on mondays and fridays. i went to her every monday and friday and used to talk about languages, places, history, and i also used to help her with some work. she also helped me get over a crush i'd on someone with whom i'd formed a good relation but she didn't like me back and i felt terrible about it.

In 11th grade, i was mostly slient around and a bit sad because i couldn't go and talk with her like the previous year. she tried to ask me 2-3 times throughout the year as to what happened to me but i could never express myself.

This year, ie 12th grade, everything was a terrifying rollercoaster. basically she consoled me and said so many things throughout the months which made me go from seeing her as a mother figure to literally looking up to her as my actual mother (sounds dumb perhaps). She called me her adopted son, said that she always felt that we had a connection from the past life, addressed me many a times as her son and one time when i wrote to her that probably i shouldn't have looked up to her and called her my mother as she isn't able to give me that attention or (something similar i forgot) she sent me a picture of her calling me and my contact name showing as : "{my name} Son" and then over the phone said in a bit of a passive agressive way that if i want more proof.

However recently this relation has been under strain, and i'd say collapsed totally. This had been building for a month prior to this one perhaps. she told me to not greet her, to stop asking if she's happy (we used to play a game "jolly" where you've to draw a dot on you wrist with ink and the person who doesn't have it has to compensate others who have it in chocolates so a variation of it was that instead of saying jolly and showing our ink we'd say "i'm happy". it did boost my moral for a bit perhaps just because of the positive talk for the first time in the longest time), to stop trying to visit her etc. from another conversation i remember i could pick that she doesn't want this bond to remain. at this point, i've realised that such a bond was obviously never meant to last, BUT I IMPLICITLY THOUGHT, I'D THAT IN MY SUBCONCIOUS MIND THAT SIE IST MEINE MUTTER !!! ABER NICHT. her reasoning for going away was that not only what i was thinking of the relation is perhaps too far, she was also advised by the school counselor that i'm too dependent on her and probably she might've also told her to distance herself from me but also that others in the school are viewing our relation with suspicion.

because the bond is unoficially in the grave, i'm kind of paralysed. a few weeks ago life had lost all it's meaning for me, all motivations and ambitions seemed worthless and i just and still cry a lot about it, though now i can keep it in myself but not for long. today i heard one of her voice notes which she sent to me on mother's day after i'd sent her a poem for that ocassion - "... and i love you a lot my dear son". literally every day i sleep an hour or two later than when i'm already in bed, lights out because i can't stop stressing over this issue.

I don't know what is right or wrong, if i was just a verreckter dummkopf (basically a fucking idot) for having thought of her as my mother. i don't want to blame her in any manner, after all she was trying to help me but i think it was mostly my fault. i genuinely feel that i was at 99.99 % fault but she was at lim x->0 fault where x % is her fault (basically 0.000....1%). her only fault was to use such strong words and phrases which encouraged my brain to look at the relation as permenent God gifted mother-son bond. i literally saw so many similarites between her and my own mother. i feel like she never realised how deeply i felt about what she said. i don't know if even this was wrong or not, perhaps i should've been a bit more sensible, perhaps people say these things all the time and something was wrong with me who took it in a serious manner. i take almost all things at their face value and certainly things so close to heart.

I don't have much friends aside from two, i don't like my father, heck he feels like a stranger to me and my mother is suffering from huntengton's disease and is in a pittiful state. she seriously loooks so so different and depressing than she was pre-disease. she can't walk properly and has abandoned going out of the house entirely, she can't communicate in a normal way, her cognitive ability has taken a hard plument. so basically, no emotional connect with anyone except her.

speaking of my father, one thing which exacerbates my sorrow is that the aforementioned teacher's recent advice for me is to just get along with him. i've told her that in my childhood he used to beat me up for un-reasonable things like playing games or watching youtube and even if the reason was a bit reasonable like academics, he'd go a bit too much with it. it was always my mother who protected me but that rapscallion sometimes beat her too and that scene of him beatin her is so engrained in me, i can't forgo it. uptill 9 / 10th grade too he used to taunt me for academics. though now he's much much nicer to me for some reason, i can't feel any love for him. but my teacher tells me that whatever he did is not that big of a deal since she too beats her kids and they still love her, that i'm being unreasonable. i respect my father a lot, a lot. he is breaking his back off by supporting me and my younger sister financially and even preparing our lunches in the morning, sleeping less to get my sister ready for school, working in his back-breaking business and taking care of his now lifeless wife in my opinion. however i don't love him, not a bit because love cannot be enforced. my teacher's advice (more of a tool to get herself away from me as i view it but also majorly a genuine concern she's) however just makes me question my ideas about what's right and wrong, whether i'm right in not loving him or not or whether i'm reasonable or not.

i'm seriously going mad over thinking about the things she said. i cannot digest the sudden sharp shattering of our bond. i'm literally shattered into a thousand pieces and each piece pierces my heart each day. this might sound too overly poetic or cliche or exageration or hyperbole or what not but.... i'm just..... lost and broken. i just want to cry as much i can about it but other things show up to mind like the different exams, prepration for them, sutyding daily which i'm unable to do . i don't know what i should do. i cannot accept that the bond is over, perhaps not until i get it in clear words from her, but...anyway. thanks for reading this far.

I don't have a strong background in Physics, i'm fair in calculas and know integration, derivating and limits.
Question:
Is Flipping Physics enough for both AP Physics C courses to get a 5? how should i learn? should i first watch and make notes of videos and then solve questions or what.

i've seen other resources listed like Viren's videos on physics c, barron's, princeton review, MIT OCW, Yale etc. should i use them instead of flipping physics ?

I am not very good with books, books make me wanna fall asleep as they've very technical definitions which i never understand. whatever calculas i've learnt is from Khan Academy's AP Calc BC (ya i'm going to also take calc bc).

bigger question :
Should i even prepare for AP Physics c (mech and E&M) or just mechanics or just physics 1 or physics 1 and 2 or some other combination. i wish to pursue ECE or CE later in college.

bg -> highschool student in a non-EU nation wanting to study ECE at PoliTO. i'll apply to it the next year and hopefully attend PoliTO in september 2028.
i read that PoliTO accepts either of the 2 exams - TIL-I and SAT.
questions:
1 - Can a foriegn student give the TIL-I exam in their home nation? i read somewhere that it's allowed but with lockdown softwares and a 2nd surveillance device but i think this has been changed. IF NOT, how hard is the TIL-I exam ? I'm preparing for AP Calculas BC and both AP Physics C exams which i'll give in may 2027 so would that help? how long does it take to prepare for TIL-I?
2 - if i get a high SAT score (1550-1600) is my admission practically "garunteed"? i know SAT doesn't garuntee admission, only a score 60 or above in TIL-I does that, but does a high score increase my chances? one of my concerns was what if enough people got 60 or above in TIL-I exam and no seats were left in ECE for students providing the SAT.
Thanks in advance!