u/ToonTasticBoy

Hello everyone,
A while back, I made a post titled "how do you actually let go?? struggling to connect with zen stories." I wrote about how easy it is to be logical when giving advice to others, but how difficult it is to actually drop our own attachments when our emotions take over.
Since then, things have taken a complex and painful turn.

To be completely vulnerable: I used to weigh 110 kgs and recently built a fit physique. With that physical transformation came an unexpected downside, an unsatisfiable hunger for attention from women. I was doing okay at managing my pain by avoiding connections altogether, but then I met someone. I was enchanted by her. She made me feel genuine emotion again.
However, my underlying craving for validation from others was still there. Being a slave to that need for attention ultimately caused me to lose her, the woman I loved the most.

The pain of this loss proved to me how dangerous opening up can be. I realized that the moment I laid off my defense mechanisms and allowed attachment back in, everything fell apart. I feel like the only path to peace now is to never let my guard down again and to forcefully "kill" my desires so I don't repeat this mistake.
Two stories have been my main points of reference during this time:

The Glass is Already Broken
The Thai forest master Ajahn Chah once held up a beautiful crystal glass and said:
“You see this goblet? For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably... But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."

The Monks and the Woman at the River
Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, met a young woman unable to cross a deep puddle.
Tanzan immediately picked her up, carried her across, and set her down. Hours later, Ekido scolded him for touching a woman. Tanzan replied, "I left the girl back there. Are you still carrying her?"
These stories hit me hard because I am living the consequences of carrying desire in my mind. I couldn't just "put it down" like Tanzan, and it cost me something irreplaceable.

Right now, forcing total detachment and actively trying to suppress my desires feels like the only way to survive the regret and avoid getting hurt again.
Has anyone else gone through a phase of forcefully shutting down their desires after a devastating loss caused by their own attachments? How do you move from using "detachment" as a protective wall to actually finding peace like the older monk?

Cinselliği dünyanın en önemli, en olmazsa olmaz şeyi gibi görmeniz tamamen bir illüzyon. Olayı tamamen gözünüzde büyütüyorsunuz ama işin aslı hiç de öyle değil.

Zaten bir filozofun çok haklı bir sözü var: "Midesine, uçkuruna ve uykuya düşkün olanlar üç kat köledir" diye. Adam nokta atışı yapmış. Bu kadar primitif, hayvani dürtülere bağlı kalmamanız gerekiyor. Hayat sadece yataktan ibaret değil, sırf biyolojik bir refleks için bu kadar kasmanız tamamen vizyonsuzluk.

Bu "cinsellik ve sevişmek çok önemli, hayatın zirvesi" muhabbeti de tamamen piyasadaki "alfa" tiplerin uydurduğu bir masal. Sırf siz bu yemi yiyin, kendinizi eksik hissedin diye şişirilmiş bir balon yaratıyorlar. Cinsellik abarttığınız kadar hayati bir şey değil; sadece temel bir içgüdü ve bunu hayatınızın merkezi yapmanız, dürtülerinizin kölesi olmanızdan başka bir şey değil.

I’ve had a chaotic mental trajectory. I’ve attempted to end my life in the past, and last year was a total shithole. Everything went downhill. But at the beginning of this year, I decided to force a hard reset. I started picking up hobbies like tennis and tango (I suck at both since I’m a beginner, lol) and started reading Zen stories and koans. I’ve had this inner conflict: am I a Stoic, or something else? I posted on r/zenbuddhism about "letting go," but it backfired. My brain just fought it. Then, last year, I had a psychological shift. I felt exactly like a prisoner waiting to be executed, experiencing his final moments. Suddenly, I felt this profound apathy. No more pain. I realized I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. It was one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever experienced. Yesterday, it clicked permanently. I was driving my car, listening to "Stereo Love," and I forced my brain to adopt the perspective that this is my last day on earth. It was difficult to force the cognitive shift, but I made it. Everything suddenly became colorful. Life got its meaning back. It hit me: life is more fun when it is closer to death. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive. I still get haunted by the ghosts of the past, but it doesn't hit the same anymore. I just let it go. When I say to myself, "I will die tomorrow," it initiates a weird sequence. First, it makes me cry. Then, it fills me with apathy. And finally, it leaves me with immense joy. I suddenly become happy, life gets a new meaning, and I stop worrying. I originally thought this made me a Hedonist, but I've realized I'm essentially using the threat of my own death to burn away my anxiety so I can actually enjoy the present. Has anyone else experienced this specific type of psychological override?