u/TrajanCaesar

I'm not sure I have the right tag for this, but I'm scared right now. A year ago, I lost my case before the ALJ over some of the most contrived reasons I've possibly read. So my lawyer helped me submit the appeal to the Appeals Council. From my understanding I should hear back within a year to 16 months. Since my paperwork was submitted at the end of last July, I suspect the soonest I will hear back is this September. Is my change of getting a remand really that impossible? I also know the next step after that is a federal lawsuit. I'm not sure of the odds of a remand after that. Has anyone been in the same boat as me, and what did you do? Did you ever actually get disability, and how did you get them to believe you?

I'm not sure I have the right tag for this, but I'm scared right now. A year ago, I lost my case before the ALJ over some of the most contrived reasons I've possibly read. So my lawyer helped me submit the appeal to the Appeals Council. From my understanding I should hear back within a year to 16 months. Since my paperwork was submitted at the end of last July, I suspect the soonest I will hear back is this September. Is my change of getting a remand really that impossible? I also know the next step after that is a federal lawsuit. I'm not sure of the odds of a remand after that. Has anyone been in the same boat as me, and what did you do? Did you ever actually get disability, and how did you get them to believe you?

Dear A,

Congratulations to your engagement, part of me is happy that you are happy, and yet if I'm being honest I will probably never be happy. Even though you rejected me, and pushed me away, because that's what you thought would help me most, I can't shake this attachment to you. I am not even sure I fully understand what this attachment is. All I know is that I did love you, I loved you more than myself. I always put you first, I always pulled your head up out of the water, even when I was drowning myself. I know you said I only loved the idea of you, that I never really knew you, but that isn't the entire truth is it? The real truth is, I loved you, at least all the parts of you that you allowed me to see. I loved the parts of you that were kind, sweet, and thoughtful. You probably always wondered "why you", so allow me to explain everything I like about you, starting from the surface level, to the deepest level. First, I was always attracted to your body, both when you were petite, and when you gained some weight. You have always been truly beautiful no matter your size, and let no one tell you otherwise. I loved your warm, cheery smile too. You are genuinely intelligent when it comes to everything writing, and you are one of the hardest workers I've ever known. You always cared more about doing something the right way, instead of the easy way. You've always had a great sense of humor, and you were always one of the funniest people I know. You are always full of chaotic energy, that made my boring life eventful. You are one of the legitimately kindest people I've ever met. When I started opening up to you for real, you made me feel seen in ways no girl before you has. Being in your presence has always had a calming affect on me. Even at your worst, and when things got heaviest. I felt like a super hero, because you needed me, at that time, and I desperately needed you. I loved the parts of you that were scared, hurtful, and dishonest. I accepted you, both the good and the bad. I know everything that happened to you, and I understood what burden it would be to love someone like you.

I was prepared for the asymmetry, the extra effort on my part to make it work, and I had the conviction to carry your burdens. You went through so much trauma, pain, and suffering. Things that no one should ever have to go through, and the entire time we knew each other, I always tried to do whatever I thought was necessary to put you first in every way that I could. You made me feel special, and that I wasn't alone. I thought we understood each other, and that you could fix the cracks in my foundation, while I work hard to mend the cracks in yours. Maybe you were more correct than I am willing to admit that this was unhealthy, and maybe it did have to end. But now I feel emotionally abandoned, and I don't think anyone will ever love me, and I am almost certain no woman will make me feel as deeply as you did. You came into my life after a lifetime of rejection, and your kindness made me feel seen. Now I feel like I've been abandoned, and forced to confront the uncomfortable depths of my loneliness. I catch myself asking the same question I did when we had our first falling out. Would you be happy if I died? It's a question I have always been scared to ask, because I never wanted you to think I was emotionally manipulating you, or if I shared how I felt at my lowest when you would pull away from me. That the thought was contagious, and would infect you with the same despair I was feeling. I know the Werther effect, and if I could shield you from it, I can at least say I protected you from myself. Even though you sort have answered this question indirectly, I still don't know if you truly think I still have value living, or if you don't really care, but feel responsible if anything did happen. Like how when we briefly ran into each other at the convention, and you asked how I was doing. I said, "I'm alive", and you said "the bar should be higher than that." From my understanding, you still ask our mutual friend if I'm ok. So it's almost like you worry about me in your own way, but I struggle to understand what I meant to you. Did you really see me, or did you only want me around so long as I served a purpose? There is still so much I don't understand about how you treated me.

Look, I understand the appeal of Mr. Perfect from India, he's in far better shape both physically, and academically than I'll ever be. I cannot compete with him, he seems super chill, funny, and a genuinely nice person. Anyone can see why he won, and I lost. If any woman had to pick between the two of us, he is the obvious choice, and there is nothing I can do about that. I know you said you don't rank people like that, but the truth is everyone does make those kinds of value judgments, and I know I am a low-value male. The only two truths about human nature is everyone is shallow, and everyone is selfish. The difference is in the degree to which anyone is shallow, or selfish. I'm not exempt from that either. I used to feel so ashamed of how jealous I would get of other guys talking to you. But once I accepted that, that jealosy is part of my human nature, I made peace with it. I know I'm fat, ugly, poor, and have many disabilities both physical and mental. I put so much effort into all my relationships, and when I love someone I put them first, and my needs come second. I did whatever I could to meet your needs, and treated you like a queen on a pedestal. All to compensate for what I was lacking, and it never amounted to anything. Now you are engaged to someone I know is obviously better than me, and I cannot in good faith blame you for it, because I know I couldn't do anything about it. I'm at a very strange cross-roads where I don't know what to do. Since our falling out a year ago, I have sworn off interacting with women, as associating with them is painful to me. After all, what's the point in playing a game rigged against me, and where my effort is never rewarded. Yet, at the same time, I deeply want that level of connection with a woman, both physically and emotionally. It's a contradiction I have not yet resolved, and I don't know if I ever will. I wish I could just clone you, or find the version of you that would settle for me, and accept my love for what that is. Before I met you, no one made me feel the way I did when you gave me attention. Even the most mundane interaction felt special to me. I don't think I will ever find again what you have given me, and that is one reason, among others, that I will truly never be happy. But it is what it is, you're happy, and that's what's supposed to matter, no? At least one of us has to be happy, I suppose.

Best wishes, G

Ok, I met her my last year of college in 2016, she was initially introduced to me by a friend of mine, but I didn't talk to her until a week or two later. At that time, I determined she was too beautiful to ask out, and promised never to ask her out for fear of rejection. Later that week she sat right next to me because a pervert was hitting on her, and this was the first time talking to her by myself. I awkwardly said to her, "Don't worry, I'll only be as creepy as you want me to be". To her response, "preferably not at all thank you". At this time, I debated whether I should confess my feelings, or bottle them up and hope they would just go away. So happens she thought I was nice, and continued to hang out with me. Which made my decision to bottle up my feelings even harder. I found out she was dating this abusive guy, I will call him Abuser 1, at the time when I over heard her arguing on her cellphone. This abuser was very controlling, and didn't let her have any male friends, and told her he'd break up with her if she ever weighed more that 130lb. Regardless, I was still scared of rejection, and swore never to tell her how I felt. Which made me want to repress my feelings even harder. I then warned her that I can become obsessive, and don't understand human feelings. I thought this would push her away, the opposite of what I truly wanted, but it didn't. A week later, she got an idea to have an aquarium in her dorm to fix her relationship with her boyfriend at the time. She heard I knew the most about aquariums in our group of friends, and became her closest advisor. I lended her some money, and helped her pick out a betta fish. She drove over the speed limit to get to the pet store, and dropped this idea on me as soon as she saw me this day before I could even get a word in. Which caused her anxiety to flair up, and would lead to her calling me at 2AM every day for a few weeks when I had 8AM classes. She would panic about everything, from worrying that the fish was swimming too fast, to panicking about water quality, and even random issues with the fish's scales. Eventually the fish died, and she was really upset about it.

This is where Abuser 2 comes into the picture, who tricked the girl into getting a restraining order against her best friend, and actually tried to push the girl and me together to control her better. He thought because I was graduating soon, and was emotionally vulnerable, he could gain my trust, and use me to get to her. Not knowing I had my own feelings for the girl I was trying to repress. He lied about having a girlfriend in Spain that reminded him just like the girl. She wanted to pay me back for the money I lended her and told me "she was going to jump in a frozen lake in the middle of February". At first I didn't realize what she was saying, I took my sleep medicine, and then my anxiety flaired up, and I realized that she meant to kill herself. I searched for her around the lake on campus late at night, and found nothing. I found her the next day, and we talked about mental health topics. She said she is plagued with suicidal thoughts all the time. I talked someone out of killing themselves in highschool, so I promised to always be there for her no matter what. She initially wanted me talk things out between her and abuser 2, which killed me inside. I couldn't sleep the night before, and waited for her outside in the rain for an hour when she asked me to come over to help her emotionally prepare for the discussion. Eventually the girl broke up with Abuser 1, and started dating Abuser 2. She started to act uncharacteristically cold towards everyone, and tried to push me away, but I did what I could to protect her regardless. Her parents also noticed how her mental health was slipping, and wanted her home. So she finished her courses at home. Her dating Abuser 2, who I thought was a dangerous snake, scared me and put so much pressure on me I had to confess my own feelings to the girl. Partly because I couldn't bear it any longer, and also to provide myself as the safe alternative to Abuser 2, so she wouldn't get hurt. It didn't go well, as she only said she knew about my feelings before going shopping with her roommate. Later, she would tell me Abuser 2 beat her up, and a few other people knew about that, but didn't tell me because no one wanted me getting into a physical fight with Abuser 2.

Within a few weeks of me graduating college she would try to kill herself again, as she was conflicted between wanting Abuser 2 and Abuser 1. I didn't know she was alive for a few days, when she called me from her mental hospital. When they officially became “facebook official” I couldn't sleep that day. I texted the girl asking her what was wrong with me, and she spent the whole day telling me there was nothing wrong with me. Eventually, she would break up with Abuser 2 when he said he raped her three times, was controlling, and told me he did something to her she had to go to the doctor to take care of. I never asked what she meant by that, but I have some speculations. I gave her as much comfort as I could, but when she started her next year of college, she started dating this guy, I'll call him boyfriend 3. Who I could find no reason to hate outside my own jealousy. I even casted a breakup spell to try to wedge them apart. Eventually, cracks would appear in their relationship, and boyfriend 3 wasn't sure if he was in love with the girl, or his dead ex-girlfriend who died in a car accident two years prior. They eventually broke up on Valentines Day, when boyfriend 3 accused the girl of something she didn't do. Their relationship fell apart quickly, and the girl's mental health declined severely. She was diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and a hand-full of other mental health disorders. This broke the girl, and she was again admitted to a mental hospital. Once she got out, she burned bridges with everyone. She called me on the phone, and told me "I don't love you, I don't even like you. Stop asking about me." Which drove me close to the edge, and it's only because of a schedule conflict I didn't kill myself. I blamed my own selfish feelings for the falling out, and promised to become a good person eventually. I promised if we ever reconciled, I would try bottling up my feelings again, and put her feelings first, and always. I also realized, that even if I hate my life, I have a responsibility to those I care about to keep living for them.

The girl and I wouldn't speak again until we met at an anime convention in 2021, and reconciled our feelings. She walked up to me along side a mutual friend who arranged this whole thing. She apologized to me, and I kept apologizing to her. She told me my feelings were valid, and understood me. She also told me that it isn't my job to make sure she's ok. I opened up about my own mental health problems, and that I started seeing a therapist. I also told her I blamed myself for not being able to protect her. She ended up making me promises she couldn't keep at the next convention, and we became slightly more distant again. However we reconciled the next convention, and had the first real conversation about our pasts. I've been slowly opening up to her since. Then recently, she is yet again dating someone new. I will call Mr. Perfect from India, and I tried to bottle up my feelings until I admitted to doing so to her. Where she told me that isn't healthy, and that my feelings are just as important and valid as hers. Which released the pressure valve too late for me to try to ask her out again. A few weeks passed, and she went no contact again. It was only later that I found out she had another suicide attempt. Triggered by the mere suggestion that we interact more. This caused my own anxiety, and depression to skyrocket, and I yet again had intrusive thoughts to do the same. At this time, our mutual friend determined that this situation would become unhealthy, and that something had to be done about it. Eventually the girl reached out to me again when I was at my lowest point. She told me that it's been a decade since I have tried loving her, and my level of interest in her was unhealthy. She then explained why she believes she would make a terrible girlfriend for me, and that there are wonderful people out there who would love someone like me. This is where our mutual friend joined to emotionally support her, and to keep me in line. I begged the girl not to abandon me, I even explained she was the first girl to ever treat me well, and I wanted to protect her. She then told me it isn't my fault, that she was unstable, and made no progress in processing her trauma the way she should, and I would only get more hurt the harder I clinged to her. I then asked her to beat me up, in the hopes that she would work through her problems with me by seeing how much power she had over me. She declined, saying she doesn't want to hurt anyone, and if she let herself do that, she didn't think she could stop herself. I then asked if there is any last thing I can do for her, to make her happy one last time. She then just told me to live my life, and then left. The aftermath of that conversation did not end well, and were my circle of college friends not present, I would not be alive right now to update this post. I spent months figuring out if life was still worth living, would it make her happy if I wasn't on this planet anymore, and just mourning the fact that no one ever loved me, and most likely, no one ever will.

One year passed, and the same convention we went to would come up, and I planned to go. I was asked both by my therapist, and my college friends what I'll do if I run into her again. I said, there is no way, all that talk about being cordial had to be a lie to make myself, and her feel better about cutting me off, and she probably thinks I'm a monster. I don't need to hide, because she'll be hiding from me, and being cordial will be just another broken promise. I meet our mutual friend at this convention, and the first thing he says is "So the girl wants to know how your doing, is it ok for her to talk to you?" I respond by saying "Fine, but she has to be the one to take the initiative." My frieng just looks at me with a hint of exhaustion and said, "Why are the two of you life this, she said pretty much the same thing to me." So we headed to the game area, and messed with my friend's handheld, because he wanted to test my reflexes. The girl, and Mr. Perfect appears right behind me, and asks how I am doing. She did something unprecedented, and took the initiative to talk to me. When her boyfriend showed up, I pretty much apologized for existing, and said "I'm sorry, I know you are better than me." Our mutual friend wanted to kill me for being so self-depreciating. Mr. Perfect responded by saying "What are you talking about, I'm trash bro." Which blindsided me, to the point my brain was forced to clarify "You are with her, that makes you better than me." This led to two hours of awkward, self-depreciating conversation, where she would ask me questions about myself, and I would give the bare minimum, and try to talk to chatgpt on my phone as a distraction, as my friend who was there left the three of us alone. The girl wanted to make sure I was ok, and asked if I checked if Abuser 2 was there. This was what I used to do for her protection, but because I never thought she'd talk to me again, so it seemed like a pointless task. I answered by saying "I didn't think I had to, besides, don't you have a better bodyguard than me?" To which she said he doesn't know what Abuser 2 looks like, and that this is fine, it's not my job anyway." Mr. Perfect spoke up saying "She's my bodyguard." Which if you genuinely read up to this part, you know why that hit me sideways. Mr. Perfect is a bit of a chill guy, and honestly if he wasn't dating who he was dating, we'd be great friends. I honestly can't find a flaw in the guy, besides being unusually chill in tense situations. After the convention, I compartmentalized her again, I'd go back to my new normal, and would put her out of my mind. Though if anything would bring her up, a wave of emotion hit me. I also developed a weird quirk where I avoid saying her name, which my one friend is very concerned about. So I'll have entire conversations where I mention her, without using her name, so when asked who I'm talking about I either say "you know..." or "That girl". Fast forward three months later, and our mutual friend checked in on her, and said she's engaged to Mr. Perfect, and they have been since a week after that convention, and she's worried about how I feel about it, and that's a question I cannot answer. I feel like hiding from her, so I can go back to compartmentalizing this attachment, and avoid relationships, despite the fact I desperately want one.