u/Typical-Ad-7980

I'm tired of everything. Of people hating on me because of tucutes ruining the image even further, of never being cis, of the whole "community" being obnoxious and seeing it as an insult when I say I don't wanna be trans but have a d1ck (ftm) and be born cis (which isn't this the definition of being trans???), of my mental health going downhill from being reminded that I'll never be the natural thing, of bobbing back and forth between thinking staying the way I am (pre transition due to money reasons) is better but then wrecking my psyche by doing so, of constantly trying to prove myself as something I shouldn't have to prove.

I'm sorry, I have no one to talk about this to. I'm so fucking tired, dear goodness why was I even born like this.

Ps. If it matters it's on nano virus or sth like that I believe

I (ftm) may be adult-ish, but I'm financially dependent on them due to literally being fresh out of the equivalent to Highschool pursuing further real full time academically challenging studies(med school). So legally an adult but not practically. And I am somewhat of a pushover, I know I need to grow some balls, but these traumas are healing very slow.

My whole family is actually pretty sweet and loving me. Do a lot of stuff for me and generally are supportive... Of the things they like, otherwise they're apathetic like eg. Career choices...But they are not accepting.of me being trans. For your information, I come from a russian family living in another country. I outed myself once years ago and it went horribly wrong. The main point was "who the f put this into your head, that's not you, you were always such a nice girl!" Or "you've been always so easy to manipulate! (I was a child)"- not me literally running around elementary school and despising being born in the wrong body, feeling highly euphoric after seeing a documentary about someone becoming a boy. I just didn't have a "label" to it, puberty feeling absolutely double horrible and my brain screaming "I don't want to be a woman!"

My parents see it as a phase, as a trend I'm following. My mother came with "I also had a boyish phase!" (Yeah sure because you wanted a d1ck or sth hanging between your legs). It gets worse since my whole environment is also somewhat russian. I always had problems with loneliness, always either being an outcast or an outsider. I have no supportive people out of my family and my "friends" are not really friends. If I break contact I will not only struggle financially but also succumb to simple loneliness.

Also my family twisted it in a way that made me feel disgusted and made me question myself over and over for years now. They still think I have a tomboy phase. My dysphoria is more or less absent because I'm mentally not there, I zone out, forget I'm trans without the respective organs and somewhat pass just enough as a teen boy before his growth. Although I have thick af hips that will make everything so much harder, I just know that I should've been on testosterone so much earlier.

I seriously don't know how to handle this. I have people I know who're also trans and have somewhat supportive parents. They continue to change their names and get on T (good for them, I'm just very bitter). I just can't handle it, it messes me up that they can but I can't just go on with my transition. Yes, I'm very jealous, but also it reached a point where I seriously have reached a breaking point of stress about it. I can't do sh1t without my family noticing. I also don't want to leave my club I'm at, I really do like the trainer even though he's also half russian... I just don't know what to do anymore, I know I probably won't co-exist with all the people who are dear to me but also I seriously have depression when at the same time my brain keeps telling me "what if I am wrong?".

I just need advice or a word on what to do- because therapy is way too out of reach, I don't have a constant time I can show up for since I have to be present for practicals in med school. ...

I know it sounds stupid, I'm pre-t and probably will never get T due to family issues and me being a pushover. Did someone try to use these lotions or something? Like I have this fluff obviously visible but like not the thick stuff you see on cis dudes. So my thought was, if I have it, then maybe this hair-growth stuff can do some magic or something? Has anyone tried it? Can't seem to find any stuff about it... Like I'm not hoping for much, but still just a tint more to pass just enough to stop getting questioned. A grown adult looking like a pre-teen boy is, well, it sucks if you look this young and constantly get outed like this due to the sheer comparison.

Привет, перед тем как тупо звучат: я не русский (простите за мою не грамотную грамматику, Русский мой третий язык, только говорит и читать научили). Но мне интересно, как Вам там на самом деле? Просто я живу в другой стране и у нас куча фигни про Россию летает. Вот и хотел спросить. Я многое как бы могу как-то предположить, но не уверен. Наверное сложнее всё получить и сложнее с сообществом? Реально просто хочу знать, а то в моём кругу всё очень не-очень и русскоязычные люди сразу начинают эту тематику в грязь тянуть

For context, I can't go on T due to family etc, general hostile environment. Like I pass most of the time, or at least in the context of being a male not getting questioned. But lately I've been clocked again by random straight people. I think it's the haircut , but personally nothing really changed? Though I've been getting a baby face lately for whatever reason...

Anyway. How do you guys pass better? Like I will take any advice I can, genuinely my clothes aren't the problem. I will take any even if it's certain exercises and things that might take time. Kinda desperate since that gives anxiety. Maybe it's also the voice, although I've got a pretty deep for someone who's not on T. Also the lack of any signs of beard growth... Any tips or tricks that could help?

So, I need a note taking app like freenotes. Freenotes is no longer free. How ironic really. Are there any similar alternatives? I loved the UI and some features like the layers and especially the inside the app split screen and tabs. But it's not a must. I'm fine with adds or a cheap ONE TIME payment for life. As long as it's not a subscription like freenotes did. Apparently most good apps are subscriptions.

Edit: I want to store the notes locally and preferably offline since I'm traveling a lot. I would use Onenote if it wasn't a requirement to have an account. An app preferably with Stylus support

Like generally one of the good paced mangas and anime I've seen. It has a tint of funny stuff, seriousness and action! Just wanted to appreciate the latest chapters.